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Why this is so hard

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Sadwife222 posted 8/13/2013 13:34 PM

This is an email I sent my WH on why it's so hard for me after his affair with his high school sweetheart.

Subject: What is hard

You gave her intimacy
You gave her sex
You gave her your kisses
You gave her a feeling of importance in your life
You gave her time
You gave her caring
You gave her good times
You gave her a place of importance with Tom
You gave her our boat
You gave her our money
You gave her information about me
You gave her information about our marriage
You gave her information about my family
You gave her protection for when things get "ugly"
You gave her loyalty over me
You chose her over me on the forth of July
You chose her over me for the football trip
You gave her the protection of your lies to me
You gave her all of the good parts of you but none of the bad
You gave her a feeling of being special to you
You gave her kids things to make her happy
You gave her your text messages
You gave her phone calls
You gave her shared meals
You gave her a ride in our car
You gave her your creativity
You gave her your dishonesty towards me
You gave her a place above me
You gave her more thoughtfulness than you gave me
You gave her your confidence while shutting me out
You gave her your patience
You gave her your interest
You gave her your wisdom
You gave her your laughter
You gave her your humor
You gave her your kindness
You gave her your plans
You gave her your smiles
You gave her your companionship
You gave her the secrecy
You gave her the knowledge that I was married to a cheater
You gave her the knowledge that I had chosen a man with major flaws
You gave her the knowledge that one day I would suffer humiliation
You gave her the right to feel pity for me
You gave her the ability to hurt me without me being able to hurt her
You gave her the pride in knowing that she still had a hold on you
You gave her the feeling of being desired
You gave her your desire
You gave her your lust for her
You gave her your fantasy about her
You gave her the impression that you would leave me for her
You gave her the knowledge that you were willing to risk me being devastated for her
You gave her the knowledge that even though you'd been discovered, you would still go to her house and spend the night
You gave her the knowledge that she was so important to you that you would find her at a quickly mentioned nail salon in order to spend more time with her
You gave her the knowledge that you would drop by her house on a Sunday evening to be with her even though you were living with your wife again
You gave her the knowledge that I would suffer if I found out and that was not important enough to you
You gave away your duty to protect me from any sexually transmitted diseases
You gave her the knowledge that I was not important enough to you to protect me from any diseases she might have
You gave her the knowledge that you didn't care if I died from one of them if she had one

You gave her your filth, your dirt, your lack if character, your selfishness, your immaturity, your consistent habit of putting what you want ahead of all others and then blaming them and making excuses for your horrible behavior.

You gave her my husband.

OldCow18 posted 8/13/2013 13:39 PM

Wow, that is powerful. How did he respond?

confused615 posted 8/13/2013 13:40 PM

Oh my.

So much loss.


crazyblindsided posted 8/13/2013 13:43 PM


That is very profound and I identified with much of it.

It's like they strip our soul down to the bare bones with nothing left.

Sadwife222 posted 8/13/2013 13:47 PM

No response, yet. He's out of his office right now. But yes, it is so much loss, more than he's really thought about, I'm sure. But not more than I have and not more than the other BS on here have thought and know about.

There is no quick fix for the magnitude of this type of betrayal.

Lucky posted 8/13/2013 13:49 PM

That's some powerful stuff.... I'm so sorry for your pain, suffering and hurt.

Lonelygirl10 posted 8/13/2013 13:53 PM

Wow. So true. And so sad.

I feel like sometimes they just don't get it. I want to be with my WS, but I feel like he took so much from me. Sometimes I don't even recognize myself.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 1:56 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

changedforlife posted 8/13/2013 14:01 PM

Wow! I want to copy this and give it to my WH (minus some of the specific ones).

To see it all laid out like that is very powerful.

myperfectlife posted 8/13/2013 14:27 PM

Ouch...that hurts to read but it's all so true. :(
I think I've lost my appetite.

Sadwife222 posted 8/13/2013 16:19 PM

His reply:
"Awww Honey, I soo sorry and you know what? I also GAVE her up for my sweetheart. YOU"

I don't think he gets it.

OldCow18 posted 8/13/2013 17:04 PM

They will never get it. I find myself disappointed in Wh every time I find something for him to read or write something that I feel will FINALLY make him get it, but he never does and he never will. He can't.

But I wanted to tell you that *I* get it, and so do all the BS's here. We get it.

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 5:05 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

IslandGirl18 posted 8/13/2013 19:51 PM

So selfish...why so selfish? I felt a physical reaction with each word you wrote. I'm so sorry you are hurt. It just never makes me feel better knowing another person has felt the devastation of betrayal. The lost trust. My God. For what? For what? Was being with someone else worth the destruction of the person you made vows to?

I was hoping his response would have been more tender.

You are cared for here. Always.

Sadwife222 posted 8/13/2013 20:11 PM

I was hoping he could see how everything he gave her I thought of as precious. What's hard for him to understand is that, because he gave them so indiscriminately to another woman, they now don't have the value for me that they used to have. His love, time, thoughts of who he wants to be with, are now worth so much less. I don't know if I can love him as I used to.

Lonelygirl10 posted 8/13/2013 20:27 PM

I'm surprised (and not surprised) that his response wasn't more understanding. I don't think anyone can truly understand what you've lost unless they've gone through this horrible experience themselves.

Scubachick posted 8/13/2013 20:48 PM

I'm surprised by his response. Even though you spelled it out, he clearly doesn't get it. I can feel your pain just by reading your words. So sorry you are hurting. I tried explaining it to my husband by telling him that I use to feel special to him. He took all those things that made me feel special and gave them to her. He didn't get it either.

UndecidedinMA posted 8/13/2013 20:54 PM

I agree they never get the devastation

Zayda1 posted 8/13/2013 21:58 PM

I'm so sorry. I wish his response would have been more empathetic to how you are feeling.

StillStanding1 posted 8/13/2013 23:09 PM


The tears are flowing freely for me after reading that...

I recently texted my H that he makes me feel like I should be grateful to him for giving up his exciting and satisfying relationship with OW to be stuck in one with me. It's the most awful feeling...

I'm sorry he responded in a similar way to such a heartfelt list of losses. It's still hard for me to fathom that many WSs just never really get it. I still hope that they will.

I'm so sorry for your pain. All of us here "get it".

16forever posted 8/14/2013 03:44 AM

Omg I felt every word of that so much this was true for me made me cry

confused615 posted 8/14/2013 06:14 AM

He gave her up...FOR you??


He didn't go NC with her because it was wrong..because he is committed to the marriage...because he understands he had an affair and it was gave her up FOR you. Not him..for you. That puts a lot of responsibility on your shoulders. His being faithful should have nothing to do with you..just as his cheating had nothing to do with you. If he decides his fidelity based on anyone..and anything other than his boundaries,his morals,his understanding of right and have a problem.

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