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Indecision after affair

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Whattodo313 posted 8/13/2013 13:44 PM

I need some help / advice on what to do after my wife had an affair, or to be more accurate, multiple affairs.

I found out last Christmas that she had been leaving the house after I went to sleep to meet with guys she had known before our marriage, and some she had met on craigslist. She didn't admit sleeping with them at the time, but I had a pretty good idea that she had. She told me she would stop, and we went to marriage counseling. That did not go well, because she would only admit an "emotional affair" but I knew there was more to it. But, we have a 5 year old daughter, so I chose to stay and try to work it out.

Then, this last Friday, after I convinced her that the situation has no chance to work out if she is not 100% honest, she admitted that she had slept with 5 guys since we've been married, starting in 2009 (we were married in 2008 ), and that continued until last Christmas, when I first discovered a few of the affairs. She then admitted that she had still been keeping email contact with one of the guys she was sleeping with via her work email as recently as two weeks ago. She denies that she has met with this guy since I found out last Christmas, but does admit to continuing to talk to him.

I confronted the guy, and told his wife this weekend, but thats not really the point I am trying to make.

My wife has agreed to increasing her therapy sessions, and basically begs me to not leave her. She says she will do anything I ask to keep me from leaving. I have a child with her that I want to protect, so I am undecided as to what to do.

She also has another son from a previous marriage who was caught (by my wife) trying to molest my daughter last year, and I know her son and my daughter will be together if I divorce my wife, and do not get full custody. Her other child does not live with us now, but I know he would live with my wife (his mother) if my wife and I were to divorce. This is a main reason as to why I am hesitant to divorce - to protect my child.

I spoke with an attorney who told me that an affair alone is not enough to garuntee full custody, but that the police report and DHS report that I filed at the time would help. Still no guarantee, and it would "depend totally on the judge." This is not good enough to risk it. I have made an appointment with another attorney to get an second opinion, but figure it will probably be the same advice.

Based on this information, I am extremely undecided as to what to do. I am considering divorce, but want to protect my kid. Also, for some crazy reason, I feel sorry for my wife, and how bad things might get for her if I divorce her.

Any advice?


myperfectlife posted 8/13/2013 13:59 PM

I am so sorry for your situation. Hopefully someone will come along soon and offer words of wisdom.
I have not been here long so I hesitate to say too much to newer members.

Whattodo313 posted 8/13/2013 14:04 PM

Thanks. It's also my first day here, and first post.

MediumRare posted 8/13/2013 14:13 PM

My best advice is to actually not make any decisions right now and place solid boundaries/requirements on your wife so you can have some time to heal.

In all actuality, your D-Day was last Friday when she admitted to her multiple PA's. It is inhuman to think you can recover from such a direct blow in a matter of days and reasonably make the best decisions right now, especially with kids involved and your own health/happiness this close to DDay of the worst kind of betrayal a person can suffer.

I'd recommend your wife admit herself to IC, goes totally NC with any and all of her AP's, as well as any males that are not a friend of the marriage or for medical reasons, becomes 100% transparent as in openly yields all passwords, access to all email, willing to enable gps on phone, access to all phone records and cell phone(s), etc. etc. A detailed timeline of events with NO trickle-truth if you feel you need all the details, etc. etc. while you focus on YOU and your child..

Please be sure to get plenty of rest, stay hydrated, make sure your eating (the betrayal diet is terrible..), and if your wife isn't being totally transparent, please consider the 180.

Good luck to you!

Josephine01 posted 8/13/2013 14:19 PM


Have you told your Attorney about her son trying to molest your daughter? That may be grounds for custody.

Good Luck, I know none of this is easy to deal with.

Take care of yourself.

caregiver9000 posted 8/13/2013 14:21 PM

Welcome to SI. I think that you have two issues here. 1. Protect your daughter. 2. Divorce your wife or not.

The police report and the DHS filing were in regards to the inappropriate conduct with your daughter? If that is the case, I cannot imagine any case where the two children would be allowed to reside with your wife at the same time. That is not to say you would get full custody, but that the custody arrangement would have to consider the placement of the abusing child.

2. I don't think that staying with your wife because you feel sorry for her is a good reason.

It sounds like you have only begun to get the truth. Often the truth "trickles out" in bits and pieces and the declarations of "THAT's ALL" happen over and over again.

I would definitely consult with another attorney and make sure that you have clearly outlined the custody issue and concerns.

heartache101 posted 8/13/2013 14:23 PM

MediumRare gave you some solid advice.

Don't make any hasty decision with the new info.

But yes seek out a good attorney. It will make you feel safer.

Good luck

Whattodo313 posted 8/13/2013 14:30 PM

OK, I cannot figure out how to quote others to respond directly, so I will do the best I can here. And I TRULY appreciate all of the advice so far!

Medium Rare I have done exactly as you state. No contact with any males, GPS access, email access, phone records, time line, etc. And she has been open to all of that. The problem is that I was doing that pretty heavily when I first found out, let it go a little (not completely), then found out that she was using her work email to continue to talk to this guy. Obviously, I cant monitor her work email, and she knows that. This is the hardest part about where I am now, as far as it concerns our relationship and not my daughter.

Josephine - I did tell the attorney. Thats when she said it would be best to write in the divorce decree that the two children were not to be together, i.e. she would have to take her son to her parents anytime my daughter was there. If it were discovered that she allowed them to be together or in the home at the same time, it would be considered contempt, and the custodial rights would be reviewed. But, why do we have to wait for them to be together, and put my daughter in danger, to do what needs to be done now. I am worried about putting my daughter in that position, as I know I can protect her if I stay.

caregiver - You are exactly right. You have lined out (possibly better than I) exactly how I feel, and where I am at right now.

The crazy part is that I still care for this woman. I dont trust her AT ALL, but I care for her, and am considering staying with her and trying to make it work. I cant rationalize those feelings for MULTIPLE reasons, but I do feel that way.

I also fear the uncertainty of divorcing her, and where that would leave me. Financially. Emotionally. Socially. Everything.

StrongerOne posted 8/13/2013 20:03 PM

Just awful, whattodo, I feel horrified for you!

What was the result of the police report and DHS result? I take it your wife's son was not arrested??

Whattodo313 posted 8/14/2013 06:36 AM

No he was not. The police did come to the house, take a report, and file it or refer it to the DHS.

The result was that the DHS investigated, on behalf of the police department, but my daughter wouldn't speak about it, so they just recommended counseling for him. Of course, he did not and does not get counseling, but thats another matter all together.

And I think its important to note that I didn't get told something by my daughter, and blow it out of proportion. My wife walked in on her son trying to molest my daughter, then told me about it. So, I am 100% certain that it happened.

[This message edited by Whattodo313 at 6:37 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)]

stronger08 posted 8/14/2013 07:05 AM

Well my friend after 5 years of this shit I guess you can hang in there a little bit longer. You are under no obligation to make a decision right now. Given you have just gotten some of the truth last Friday. (I say some because usually there is much more to the story)Its not a good idea to make a life changing decision while under emotional duress. Take time to absorb what has happened. Think about if you can forgive and keep in mind you will never forget. I personally do believe that people have the capacity to change their lives. The big question is if they have the desire to. Being that she claims to have started cheating right after the M. You have to assume this is a lifestyle thing with her. In my personal experience with my XWW I've come to realize that her behaviors went way back to before I even met her. My XWW IMO has some deep seeded issues that go back to her childhood. Sadly she would never admit it or try to fix herself. She also is a pathological liar who only admitted to what I could prove. Hence the X in WW.

What I see as a positive is your WW has admitted to her bad behaviors. 5 dudes is a lot to admit to. So for her sake I hope she was totally honest. But the stats say its usually not the case. I think your first and biggest decision right now is if you want the M to continue. Staying for the sake of your child will most likely cause more harm than good to the poor kid. So take your time with that decision. Its good you have set boundaries. But be prepared to enforce consequences should she cross them. R after infidelity is not for the weak hearted. Just mosey over to the R forum and see that. But if both parties are committed it can and does work.

If you decide that her behaviors are deal breakers. And there is no shame in leaving her for what she has done. You must take every precaution to keep her son away from your daughter. How old is the boy ? If he is of age then he has to go IMHO. If not I would certainly go for full custody and make sure he does not have any contact with your child. Also keep in mind that change can not and does not happen over night. If she is sincere she will do what's needed to fix herself. And that does not mean you have to dictate what's needed. People who want to change need to do it for themselves. She must find the road to redemption herself. She must do what's needed without you pushing her to do. Her actions will dictate her sincerity. Keep a keen eye on actions. Its a real shitty situation your in. But take your time and think things through. Do what YOU feel is best for you and your daughter. Don't let collateral issues cloud your judgment. I'm sorry your in this position Bro. But you can and will survive. Whatever you decide to do I wish you luck.

Whattodo313 posted 8/14/2013 07:41 AM

Thanks for that man.

The boy is now 13, he was 12 at the time. My daughter is now 5. He does not live with us now. He is also not allowed at my house for any reason. Nor is my daughter allowed where he is not living (my wifes parents).

I am under no illusion that my wife has admitted to everything. I am sure the has admitted to most, but thats it.

I'm gonna give her a chance to get to therapy and change. I will sit and watch what happens. She is doing great so far, and doing things the has never done (clean, be attentive, etc.) but to be real, its only been a few days.

If she goes back to the way things were, we are going to have a serious problem. If she works to change, and does change, we have a chance. But, she has already crossed the line too many times to be given another chance if she fails again. Its harsh, but it has to be I think.

And finally, giving her consequences is where I have failed her. Her therapist told her that she has to suffer or she will not learn (meaning I should leave her), and I have not made her suffer. I let her get away with stuff. That is unacceptable, and I need to work on that. I am working on that, and have been very strict with her lately. Its a tough way to live, but I don't see another option at this point.

Andthencraigslis posted 8/14/2013 08:51 AM

First off I'm sorry for what you are going through, and I can relate to trying to protect your child. I'm new here so by no means an expert. but when I read your post I kept thinking this boy wouldn't molest this girl out of nowhere.... boys that do that are normally abused or something themselves. Why this matters especially to you is your wife's behavior is obviously not that of a healthy women. I'm thinking about your child's safety right now.... Do you know what lead to the boy's issues, your wife's? I would be very cautious to expose my child to any of that side of the family /family friends until I knew who started the cycle....Also although I agree you may get full custody given the circumstances, or at least an order that the boy be kept away from your daughter. I could imagine that order would get violated... and you are right, your child could be put in a dangerous situation for her. I would start by now getting in writing with your wife that you both believe it is dangerous for your daughter to be around her son, detailing what she saw and that she agrees to get counseling for him. If he gets help, perhaps if there is contact in the future it will make it safer for your daughter. And the additional proof won't hurt you if you separate. Also your daughter is not too young to be told how to defend herself, what to do if someone tries something with her, and what is inappropriate touching, and to always no matter what, tell daddy and she won't be in trouble... As far as your wife I think she is cake eating... she doesn't want to lose you and what you two have together, but wants to live as a single women too. She doesn't think you will really leave, and I don't think she'll really stop until she feels like she is going to lose it all. Additionally, I wouldn't be surprised if there are probably sexual abuse issues in her life that are clouding the waters as well. Getting serious about dissolving the marriage may be the only way to save it. I would talk to an attorney, get as much in writing from her while she is being contrite, and start preparing for life outside this marriage. Please don't feel bad for loving her, that is what you are supposed to do. But it doesn't mean you have to accept this sh*t from her. I've been through a divorce with young children, it seemed so scary I dragged my feet for a long time, but hell wasn't on the other side, it was were I was standing right then.

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