"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

sjf89 posted 8/13/2013 13:44 PM

My DDay was July 3. My WH ended the realtionship with OW on July 12. There has been no contact until today when she called him and left him a voice mail asking him to call her. She knows it's his bday. He let me listen to the voicemail. He plans to completely ignore it. For me - I feel like I'm losing it. How dare she still contact him a month after it is over when she knows he has ended their sex arrangment to reconcile with me. Please someone give me some advise on how to handle this. I want to call her or email or text and tell her to leave us the F alone. My husband says the best thing to do is ignore it.

Lucky posted 8/13/2013 13:45 PM

Welcome to SI!

Your husband is absolutely correct, ignoring her is the very best thing you can do.

Has he written a no contact letter to her?

1ost0ne posted 8/13/2013 13:48 PM

That's just plain mean. I hadn't read your story, but did your WH end it with her in your presence or did he tell you he did. Sounds like things might not be over.

I'm not a MC, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express once. Have him call OW while you are present and tell OW that it's over and to stop calling. Also, it's not super difficult to change your phone number.

Jrazz posted 8/13/2013 13:53 PM

It's really true that the best thing to do is ignore the hell out of her. I promise.

I remember thinking that my H was getting off easy for just having to turn his back on OW instead of standing with me as we both berated her for what a piece of garbage she is.

It took months of coming here and maintaining NC with OW for me to really and truly understand that the MOST damage you can do to them is pretending they don't exist.

If you respond, she's not going to hear your words. It's going to give her hope that she has a pipeline to your H, and hope that she somehow matters to him. Letting her know that you are thinking about her gives her hope that her presence will break down your marriage.

Don't give her a drop of your energy. Block, deflect, ignore. It sends the strongest message of all: You don't mean anything to us.

Lucky posted 8/13/2013 13:55 PM

Don't give her a drop of your energy. Block, deflect, ignore. It sends the strongest message of all: You don't mean anything to us.

EXACTLY!! our OW stalked me (us) for a year and a half. She just couldn't grasp the concept of NO CONTACT

sjf89 posted 8/13/2013 14:01 PM

Thanks, Lucky. Deep down I know that is the right way to handle it. My husband has not written a no contact letter. The arrangement was so casual - sex only - that he wishes to just ignore her if she continues to contact him.

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 8/13/2013 14:15 PM

Since he has not yet done a NC letter or call, I would have him do that- with you there or helping him write it. Then after that, ignore, ignore, ignore!!

kansas1968 posted 8/13/2013 19:11 PM

Absolutely, he needs to do a no contact email or letter and you need to be involved with what he writes. It needs to be curt, absolute, and final.
He needs to tell her that he never, and I repeat, never wants to hear from her again. Period.
It may be hard for him to do this, but he HAS to, for him and for you.
Do it sooner than later.
Love and hugs.

Morhurt posted 8/14/2013 10:29 AM

I want to repeat the need for a NC letter. My H and I took a while to get to it but it made a HUGE difference in peace of mind to both of us.

Also, it sounds like more than just casual sex if she knows his bday and wants to make it more special for him.

:(

NeverAgain2013 posted 8/14/2013 14:49 PM

Also, it sounds like more than just casual sex if she knows his bday and wants to make it more special for him.

I'm kind of thinking this, too. I think your husband is minimizing his story to do damage control.

I had the same thing occur when my ex's birthday rolled around and Miss Piggy tried to call him but we'd blocked her number. Her next avenue was an email. What kind of desperate imbecile - after finding out she's been blocked - write an email looking for attention? I mean seriously, how pitiful. I, however, chose to verbally eviscerate her in a reply then promptly blocked her email address at the server.

The bottom line is that my ex had also claimed that she was the one keeping their affair going - stalking him and coercing him into seeing her and all this happy horsecrap. Unfortunately for HIM, subsequent emails and pictures proved how much he was lying to me to cover his ass, and trying to minimize things. He'd been claiming to 'love' her and was future faking and everything else. THAT'S why she was so anxious to keep in touch with him - because she'd been led to believe it was a HELL of a lot more than sex.

I think there's probably a little more to your husband's story than he's letting on. Sadly, the clear majority of cheaters lie and deny in order to save their butts. Sometimes, the truth leaks out and they're busted, other times, they get confused as to which lies they've told you and they trip themselves up if they're not careful. And lastly, sometimes a big old piece of evidence just falls right into your hands from the heavens - proving everything they'd claimed was a lie.

Just guart your heart - I think you haven't heard the whole story just yet.

sjf89 posted 8/14/2013 15:05 PM

Is there a sample of a "no contact" letter?

Morhurt posted 8/15/2013 00:01 AM

Here is an example (using my screen name)

Hi,
I wanted to let you know that I have told Morhurt about what I did and that I will not be seeing or communicating with you in any way in the future. I realize now that what I did was very wrong and that I love Morhurt and I want to save my marriage. Please do not attempt to contact me.
FWS

So the key things my H read were to not use OW's name but to use the BS's (unless maybe OW doesn't know it and you need it to stay private), no greetings or anything nice, express that WS made bad choices or whatever not "we" (OW & WS) and keep it short but firm.

Dare2Trust posted 8/15/2013 01:09 AM

sjf89,

You don't have "your story" posted on your profile page....So, it's a bit difficult to offer firm advice

--If the OW is married, has her husband been told about the affair?
--OW must be sent A NO CONTACT letter, email, message informing her: The affair was wrong, it is over; and SHE is never to contact your husband again by phone, text, email, or in person.
THEN, you husband must me totally transparent - and give you access to his phones and other accounts, SO you can VERIFY that ALL CONTACT stays ended.

What is your WH doing to fix this mess he made, and to help you and the marriage heal?
--Is he seeking counseling/therapy to address WHY he cheated in the first place?
Is he answering all your affair questions?
Is he showing true remorse?

Can I ask:'
How did you find out about his affair -- Did he come to you and confess out of guilt...OR, did you catch him?

sjf89 posted 8/15/2013 09:50 AM

Thank you, Morhurt. Good starting point. Dare2trust - i havent gotten around to putting my story down - i will do that soon. To answer questions - OW is not married. Apparently her and her twin sister have a practice of having sex with married men. My husband has given me all of his passwords to the accounts I know about and so far seems to be transparent. He did come to me to confess and is seemingly completely remorseful. He does answer all of my questions - even saying things i dont really want to hear - not that i want to hear any of it. We are currently going to MC. I have been in a state of shock - never would have suspected this.

Dance4Me posted 8/15/2013 10:11 AM

I found it quite pathetic when my Hs OW/PA casually left a voicemail on my Hs main work telephone number (he had changed his cell number immediately after dday) and after five full months of NC. Seriously - how desperate must she be to think he would even want her after he just stopped contact altogether! It's almost laughable looking back after all this time. But I totally understand the anger and frustration you feel so close out from your dday. When my H came from work and told me - I just sobbed! It's a good sign that your H told you - remember that!

An NC letter is defintely the way to go! Hugs to you...

[This message edited by Dance4Me at 10:13 AM, August 15th (Thursday)]