I have been unhappy lately. My WH and I dont talk about the A much...and when I do or bring anything up he gets really snappy, grumpy, and tells me to stop and we are not discussing it and he doesnt want to hear it. Other times he will talk and be loving.
I am feeling bad. Our story- we met online, he lived in England, I lived in the USA. He would come over 3 months at a time, until they denied him entry. I went over to him. I was going to move there (Im a british citizen) but we wanted to live in the USA so we started the fiance visa/greencard process. We spent ALL day SAT and SUN on Skype. We called and talked on the phone ALL the time. We never wnet out to establish trust and keep our long distant bond strong. We were apart sometimes 8 months without seeing each other in person. He didnt work the whole time in England so I would work over here and pay for all the visa costs (a lot), and when he came over here, he would live with me for 3 months and I paid for EVERYTHING. When we got approved for him to come over, I paid and planned for the entire wedding, and honeymoon...paid for it all including his tux etc. My family and I bought all our furniture etc. After he got here he couldnt work for a close to a year due to visa issues, so I supported him while he was here. I worked two jobs to get him over, and even after we became pregnant with twins, I still worked two jobs 7 days a week to make us enough money...well until I got too big.
I feel like I am the type of wife that will do ANYTHING to make her husband happy. And I guess I feel really kicked in the face that my WH cheated on me after all that I have done...after all that we have done to be together. The immigration was not easy. It was really lonely, and missing the person desperately. And only to be treated like this?
So I have been dealing with those feelings, but also I have been struggling with the fact that I dont love my WH like I used to. I used to adore him, think he was the most wonderful thing, just stare at him and think "my god this beautiful man is in love with me!?" I walked around madly in love and couldnt be happier....now I am struggling with the fact that I dont love him like I used to. I am hurt so deeply, and know what he did for me, and how little I was in his heart and mind. I love him, I still love to be around him, and look at him, and I love his smell and the feel I get when he holds me, but im not IN LOVE with him like I was. I look back on all the once happy memories and i think they were all lies. I imagine that people who have been married years and learn of infidelity feel this way. I am only looking back on 4 years of being together, one year of marriage when the A took place.
How can i get past this feeling of not being in love...only loving him? I mean I miss him when he is away from me, but I cry myself to sleep, and dont feel the same way about us or him. When we have sex its not the way it used to be...he does things and acts differently.
Today we got in a fight because I didnt like that he had to go to a presentation that the OW goes to. He said he didnt see her, but when I tell him it makes me uncomfortable he gets mad. He said that I am trying to control every situation..and that it is like im not trying to trust him and give him a chance.
Sorry this is all mumbling..