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Itsgoingtobeok posted 8/13/2013 14:03 PM

I'm strugling with the emotions ! My WW seems to be trying to recover but this emotional roller coaster is beyond diffcult . I.E - my ww was upset the other day because I sold some of our daughter barbie doll's . The sale occurred during the hight of her A . I was dying to tell her this " If you were'nt in another man bed at the time of the sale I would have known you wanted to keep thoses old doll's " . All I said was I was sorry I sold them . So how do you guy's handle this type of situation ? Also I've been working a lot on myself ( mc fills I should completly focus on our m) and I'm starting to feel if this R thing worth the effort ? Maybe I need more from my WW .

doesitgetbetter posted 8/13/2013 14:45 PM

Honestly, I tell him. I tried my best to be as compassionate as possible each time something would come up, but I always told him.

2 examples. 1 day we were sitting down watching TV and he was flipping through the guide to pick a show. Oceans 13 was on, he said "you wanna watch that?" I said no. He says "do you mind if I watch it anyway" and I said "I would prefer not to. You were emailing your ex while we were sitting on the couch together, watching this movie, just x months ago, so I've already seen it and it just holds bad memories for me now". He was disappointed with himself, and apologized, and we picked a movie that we could enjoy together.

Other story. He was asking about taking the kids to the park one day, I told him I would rather go with him. He again asked why, he thought it would be nice to give me some time alone. I reminded him how he had taken the kids to park along with his laptop to "give me time alone", and he proceeded to not engage with them at all because he was cruising profiles. He had forgotten all about that. He broke down, cried so hard at how callous he was to his own children. It ended up being a very concrete moment for him to realize that his A DID affect more people than just him and I, and that the shockwaves would be felt a lot longer and farther than he figured.

So I think it's important that a WS is told of these things to help them realize the depth of their betrayal, and just how deep in the fog that they were. Plus, why should the BS take any blame for them not minding what we did while they were too deep in their A to protest or care?

Brandon808 posted 8/13/2013 15:06 PM

What were the circumstances exactly? Was she literally with OM when the dolls were sold? Were you unable to get her input because of this?

If that is the case then tell her that. She was in an A it had repercussions in everyone's lives.

If your WW tries to shift it back on to you then stop her cold "You are not honestly trying to say that it was my responsibility to go the 'extra mile', to put in extra effort in finding out what you wanted...because you were too distracted from betraying me??? You're kidding, right?"

If the MC thinks you should focus completely on the M then they're not very good at the "C" part of their title. You've been hurt, traumatized by your WW's actions. You're not very well going to be a effective partner in the M if you're not healed yourself. I personally don't think any person should "completely focus" on their M. What about your kids? What about you? When you do focus on those areas of your life? If I didn't know better I'd wonder if the MC isn't blameshifting and treating you as if you are solely responsible for repairing the M.

FeelingSoMuch posted 8/13/2013 15:27 PM

I bring it up, but choose my words carefully to make it about me.

I still pay for it. WW is still full of anger. The therapist says it's hard for her to talk about the A because it brings up shame. Nevermind that, I have a problem with it. Back to bringing it up, I do it every time.

I'm proud to own my part in whatever I have done, I expect the same from my WW. Here's what's been successful for me when she acts up in response to me bringing up a consequence of the A.

I put my feelings aside and mirror her to show I'm listening. Then I validate her feelings -- I don't have to agree with them, I just have to show that I'm listening. Then I show empathy -- again, I don't have to agree with what she said. Then it's my turn to respond. In your situation I would tell her that you didn't know she wanted to keep the dolls because she wasn't around. She's now expected to mirror you, validate what you said and show empathy.

We learned to communicate like this in MC and it's been helpful. It's based on Imago theory if you want to look it up. It feels awkward and stilted at first, but after a few weeks it became "normal" to use it in all A-related communication.

sisoon posted 8/13/2013 17:26 PM

Nowadays if something like this comes up, I'll say something like, 'Remember, your focus was elsewhere.' I say it pretty unemotionally. In the first year, and well into the 2nd, I said things like you wanted to say, like, 'Oh, I did that while you were with ow.'

There are consequences for withdrawing from the M, and I see no point in protecting WS from that.

She needs to be honest, and you do, too.
Has your MC ever suggested IC for you? Has she ever talked with your IC? I'm telling you, every time you mention your MC, I more and more think she's toxic.

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