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Dating member of your Divorce Recovery group?

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popitdaddy posted 8/13/2013 15:05 PM

I'm gonna start outright with a blaring statement: I REALLY like this woman who I recently met through divorce recovery. I'm not kidding when I say she's amazing and seems like just the sort of person I'd 'click' with.
My divorce recovery sessions are over and she was not actually part of my group. She was part of a core group from the previous semester. A few of the participants came back and attended the group I sat in on. She was not one of the ones who returned but I met her later at one of their little group activities.
They say you shouldn't date within a group like that but I feel like she's someone who I don't want to let get away if I can.
I don't want to infringe on any unwritten codes and wouldn't want to mess up my standing with the group if something were to go sour between her and I, but IDK, anyone had a similar experience to this?

ajsmom posted 8/13/2013 15:49 PM

Bad idea, all around.

The group I was in for 24 weeks last year had a very specific non-fraternization policy among group members, so I'm guessing there is more than a cursive "unwritten" code about this.

IMO, these groups are not meant to be places to meet and date. They are meant to be places for healing.


lieshurt posted 8/13/2013 15:50 PM


Maxiom posted 8/13/2013 15:54 PM

The reason you shouldn't date someone from that group is the oft quoted.. "Broken attracts broken"

You may be ready, but the person you are interested in may not be.

ajsmom posted 8/13/2013 15:57 PM

I agree. It's definitely a broken attracts broken situation.

I was there to get my stuff together and dating a group member wasn't a thing I even considered, regardless of their policy.

asurvivor posted 8/13/2013 15:59 PM

I don't get it. If the group is done and over with, why not? If I worked for a company I wouldn't date a fellow employee but if one of us quit why not?
I don't think you would tell him not to date at all so why not her? I realize that during the meetings that was taboo but does this taboo extend into infinity. I may be dead wrong so help a guy out with the why not.

hurtbs posted 8/13/2013 16:20 PM

Support groups are meant to be safe areas where people can share and gain understanding. It seems like a huge boundary cross to date members - like dating people in your AA group.

ASsurvivor - support groups are different than work. Therapy groups provide a level of vulnerability that requires some serious boundaries. Violating those boundaries can be damaging to all parties involved. This is why a therapist should never date a patient - current or former.

[This message edited by hurtbs at 4:34 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

asurvivor posted 8/13/2013 16:39 PM

I’m not trying to be a contrarian here, I’m really not, but this broken attracts broken thing sounds a little like psycho babble to me. Hell, I have been reading these NB threads and it appears every date is with someone that is broken. Hey the guy met someone he’s into and she happens to have gone through some of the same shit he has…I don’t think from a distance of about a million megabytes we can determine that they are two broken people that will finish off the destruction. She may be more together than anyone he could meet…especially if he tries the OLD thing. Meetings are over, it’s not like AA where you are going back continually to beat a disease.
My advice for what it is worth, which is probably nothing is to follow your brain not your heart right now. You are the one that must determine what is right and wrong with this and whether you are both so “broken” that it’s a bad idea…and if itisn’t, have some freaking fun

I know I'm full of crap...I have comes to terms with my crapness.

Oh and hurtbs...I think I know what the difference is between work and support group. I in fact have done both...well the work part is questionable but whatever. From what I understand the support group is over...fini...done. The curtain has been pulled, the walls have come tumbling down..the border has been taken over by taco bell.

[This message edited by asurvivor at 5:06 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

better4me posted 8/13/2013 18:22 PM

I hear of people meeting someone in the Divorce Recovery group happening over and over again. Sometimes it is a wonderful thing, sometimes it sucks. I know it usually against the rules, and the reason there have to be rules is that people want to break them. It's human nature. That said, it doesn't sound like you were in the same group anyway. If your session is over and hers is over too...then does the rule apply in this situation?

I do know that this thought:

I'm not kidding when I say she's amazing and seems like just the sort of person I'd 'click' with
and this feeling:
but I feel like she's someone who I don't want to let get away if I can.
don't always mean what they seem to mean...the "feel good" chemicals in the brain, feel really good and they always eventually dissipate whether we act or do not act. I've felt them strongly, and when the relationship doesn't materialize or fizzles out, I've been okay

Listen to the advice here and do what you think is best for you!

cayc posted 8/13/2013 18:28 PM

and it appears every date is with someone that is broken.

Hah! I think this too. I feel like in some respects we are all setting the bar too high. I get that's it's out of compassion and concern, but still, we're (mostly) not in our 20s where our only issue is how much we hate our parents and want to get away from them. We've all got crap to grapple with, triggers, debt, etc.

I see no harm in asking her for coffee or asking to get to know her. You might find you don't like her at all. You might find you like her sister. Who knows?

As an aside: what you don't want to do is future forward. So you're into her now without knowing her, and then you talk to her once and you start dreaming about what will be instead of staying grounded in the moment, letting her personality and life unfold to you (while yours does to her) and see. It's stuff like future forwarding that gets you into trouble and makes things awkward on down the line.

Crescita posted 8/13/2013 18:32 PM

Would it be appropriate to become friends? If so I would definitely pursue it this way first. Let the relationship evolve independent of Divorce Recovery, and if there is something there and it doesn't interfere with any current group involvement you can address dating further down the line.

persevere posted 8/13/2013 22:35 PM

I agree with Crescita. And my only comment would be if you can't take it slow and build a friendship first, THEN maybe you should reconsider your motives. It is tricky - but then many NB situations are. Good luck!

SeanFLA posted 8/14/2013 02:36 AM

I see no problem with it. At least it's not so much a blind date, which is what OLD really is for the most part. We all have baggage we are going to carry with us the rest of our lives. Maybe God put you on this track for a meet her. Nobody here knows life any better than the next. Maybe two broken people meeting and becoming friends is what each needs.

If the meetings are done and you've respected that rule, I say go for it. You seem like you've got your shit together. You've learned a lot here. You've probably learned a lot at your meetings too. Take your life back and live it. Lord knows I think there are many people in here that become stuck in here sometimes. They can't take a chance so it seems right that they advise others not to also. Frankly there is no specific timetable to all this. If you feel ready then you probably are ready. You go get your happiness. You deserve it. I admire that.

But only negative thing I will suggest in reading your tag line is to first finish your business and conclude your divorce (if you havent done so already). It makes things a lot easier for both of you.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 2:48 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)]

Kajem posted 8/14/2013 13:14 PM

I met XSO on a forum for people dealing with MLC. We were both BS's. we kept our relationship off the forum. For the most part, what brought us together was the glue that kept us together. Our broken marriages, his wanting to be a KISA, and me wanting a KISA. Once I started healing and growing and becoming independent, I stopped NEEDING him in so many familiar ways. He found someone who NEEDED him more.

When I was in a divorce recovery program called Fresh Start. 2 people started to date when we finished the program and moved onto the safe people program. We were all part of a core group that would meet before a meeting for pizza and after for dessert. There were 9-12 people who were part of this group. While they were dating it was a bit awkward, but we learned to live with it. When they broke up- it tore those friendships apart. All of us dropped the group-we were all on our way to becoming leaders/facilitators for the program. The program floundered got a couple of tears then ended.

It isn't the going out that bothers me, it's the ending?



popitdaddy posted 8/14/2013 19:02 PM

Thank you..... And asurvivor, better4me, seanFLA, you're correct to point out that we were in different 'groups' and that both series' are over.
I definitely like the idea everyone had about building a good friendship first and it reinforces my earlier notion.
Out with the ideas of cute flirting and IN with a friendly cup of coffee!

PurpleRose posted 8/14/2013 21:46 PM

A very good friend of mine has been happily married to a man she met in her Divorce Care group.

They are perfect for each other and enjoy life. It can happen.

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