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Newest Member: MollyMoo (45749)

User Topic: Dating member of your Divorce Recovery group?
popitdaddy
♂ 37502
Member # 37502
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm gonna start outright with a blaring statement: I REALLY like this woman who I recently met through divorce recovery. I'm not kidding when I say she's amazing and seems like just the sort of person I'd 'click' with.
My divorce recovery sessions are over and she was not actually part of my group. She was part of a core group from the previous semester. A few of the participants came back and attended the group I sat in on. She was not one of the ones who returned but I met her later at one of their little group activities.
They say you shouldn't date within a group like that but I feel like she's someone who I don't want to let get away if I can.
I don't want to infringe on any unwritten codes and wouldn't want to mess up my standing with the group if something were to go sour between her and I, but IDK, anyone had a similar experience to this?


Me(39) - BH
Her(38) - XWW
Kids - 2
Married: 15 yrs
D-DAY: 10-23-2012
Length of A: [depends on what day you ask her]
Divorced

Posts: 84 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: NW Arkansas
ajsmom
♀ 17460
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bad idea, all around.

The group I was in for 24 weeks last year had a very specific non-fraternization policy among group members, so I'm guessing there is more than a cursive "unwritten" code about this.

IMO, these groups are not meant to be places to meet and date. They are meant to be places for healing.

AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21103 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
lieshurt
♀ 14003
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^^ditto


A relationship without trust is like a car without gas. You can stay in it all you want, but it won't go anywhere.

Posts: 13838 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Maxiom
♂ 26001
Member # 26001
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The reason you shouldn't date someone from that group is the oft quoted.. "Broken attracts broken"

You may be ready, but the person you are interested in may not be.


Me: FBS/WS 41
Her FWS/BS 41
My DDay - March 10, 2007 Whole Truth - May 2007
Her DDay - March 2, 2011
True NC March 3, 2011

Posts: 462 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Canada
ajsmom
♀ 17460
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. It's definitely a broken attracts broken situation.

I was there to get my stuff together and dating a group member wasn't a thing I even considered, regardless of their policy.


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21103 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
asurvivor
♂ 32368
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't get it. If the group is done and over with, why not? If I worked for a company I wouldn't date a fellow employee but if one of us quit why not?
I don't think you would tell him not to date at all so why not her? I realize that during the meetings that was taboo but does this taboo extend into infinity. I may be dead wrong so help a guy out with the why not.


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 576 | Registered: Jun 2011
hurtbs
♀ 10866
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Support groups are meant to be safe areas where people can share and gain understanding. It seems like a huge boundary cross to date members - like dating people in your AA group.

ASsurvivor - support groups are different than work. Therapy groups provide a level of vulnerability that requires some serious boundaries. Violating those boundaries can be damaging to all parties involved. This is why a therapist should never date a patient - current or former.

[This message edited by hurtbs at 4:34 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15325 | Registered: Jun 2006
asurvivor
♂ 32368
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I’m not trying to be a contrarian here, I’m really not, but this broken attracts broken thing sounds a little like psycho babble to me. Hell, I have been reading these NB threads and it appears every date is with someone that is broken. Hey the guy met someone he’s into and she happens to have gone through some of the same shit he has…I don’t think from a distance of about a million megabytes we can determine that they are two broken people that will finish off the destruction. She may be more together than anyone he could meet…especially if he tries the OLD thing. Meetings are over, it’s not like AA where you are going back continually to beat a disease.
My advice for what it is worth, which is probably nothing is to follow your brain not your heart right now. You are the one that must determine what is right and wrong with this and whether you are both so “broken” that it’s a bad idea…and if itisn’t, have some freaking fun

I know I'm full of crap...I have comes to terms with my crapness.

Oh and hurtbs...I think I know what the difference is between work and support group. I in fact have done both...well the work part is questionable but whatever. From what I understand the support group is over...fini...done. The curtain has been pulled, the walls have come tumbling down..the border has been taken over by taco bell.

[This message edited by asurvivor at 5:06 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 576 | Registered: Jun 2011
better4me
♀ 30341
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear of people meeting someone in the Divorce Recovery group happening over and over again. Sometimes it is a wonderful thing, sometimes it sucks. I know it usually against the rules, and the reason there have to be rules is that people want to break them. It's human nature. That said, it doesn't sound like you were in the same group anyway. If your session is over and hers is over too...then does the rule apply in this situation?

I do know that this thought:

I'm not kidding when I say she's amazing and seems like just the sort of person I'd 'click' with
and this feeling:
but I feel like she's someone who I don't want to let get away if I can.
don't always mean what they seem to mean...the "feel good" chemicals in the brain, feel really good and they always eventually dissipate whether we act or do not act. I've felt them strongly, and when the relationship doesn't materialize or fizzles out, I've been okay

Listen to the advice here and do what you think is best for you!


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:53
Divorced

Posts: 3236 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
cayc
♀ 21964
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and it appears every date is with someone that is broken.

Hah! I think this too. I feel like in some respects we are all setting the bar too high. I get that's it's out of compassion and concern, but still, we're (mostly) not in our 20s where our only issue is how much we hate our parents and want to get away from them. We've all got crap to grapple with, triggers, debt, etc.

I see no harm in asking her for coffee or asking to get to know her. You might find you don't like her at all. You might find you like her sister. Who knows?

As an aside: what you don't want to do is future forward. So you're into her now without knowing her, and then you talk to her once and you start dreaming about what will be instead of staying grounded in the moment, letting her personality and life unfold to you (while yours does to her) and see. It's stuff like future forwarding that gets you into trouble and makes things awkward on down the line.


"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3157 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Crescita
♀ 32616
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would it be appropriate to become friends? If so I would definitely pursue it this way first. Let the relationship evolve independent of Divorce Recovery, and if there is something there and it doesn't interfere with any current group involvement you can address dating further down the line.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3533 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
persevere
♀ 31468
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Crescita. And my only comment would be if you can't take it slow and build a friendship first, THEN maybe you should reconsider your motives. It is tricky - but then many NB situations are. Good luck!


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4670 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
SeanFLA
♂ 32380
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 2:36 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see no problem with it. At least it's not so much a blind date, which is what OLD really is for the most part. We all have baggage we are going to carry with us the rest of our lives. Maybe God put you on this track for a reason...to meet her. Nobody here knows life any better than the next. Maybe two broken people meeting and becoming friends is what each needs.

If the meetings are done and you've respected that rule, I say go for it. You seem like you've got your shit together. You've learned a lot here. You've probably learned a lot at your meetings too. Take your life back and live it. Lord knows I think there are many people in here that become stuck in here sometimes. They can't take a chance so it seems right that they advise others not to also. Frankly there is no specific timetable to all this. If you feel ready then you probably are ready. You go get your happiness. You deserve it. I admire that.

But only negative thing I will suggest in reading your tag line is to first finish your business and conclude your divorce (if you havent done so already). It makes things a lot easier for both of you.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 2:48 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)]


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1472 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Kajem
♀ 36134
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I met XSO on a forum for people dealing with MLC. We were both BS's. we kept our relationship off the forum. For the most part, what brought us together was the glue that kept us together. Our broken marriages, his wanting to be a KISA, and me wanting a KISA. Once I started healing and growing and becoming independent, I stopped NEEDING him in so many familiar ways. He found someone who NEEDED him more.

When I was in a divorce recovery program called Fresh Start. 2 people started to date when we finished the program and moved onto the safe people program. We were all part of a core group that would meet before a meeting for pizza and after for dessert. There were 9-12 people who were part of this group. While they were dating it was a bit awkward, but we learned to live with it. When they broke up- it tore those friendships apart. All of us dropped the group-we were all on our way to becoming leaders/facilitators for the program. The program floundered got a couple of tears then ended.

It isn't the going out that bothers me, it's the ending?

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5547 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
popitdaddy
♂ 37502
Member # 37502
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you..... And asurvivor, better4me, seanFLA, you're correct to point out that we were in different 'groups' and that both series' are over.
I definitely like the idea everyone had about building a good friendship first and it reinforces my earlier notion.
Out with the ideas of cute flirting and IN with a friendly cup of coffee!


Me(39) - BH
Her(38) - XWW
Kids - 2
Married: 15 yrs
D-DAY: 10-23-2012
Length of A: [depends on what day you ask her]
Divorced

Posts: 84 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: NW Arkansas
PurpleRose
♀ 33129
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A very good friend of mine has been happily married to a man she met in her Divorce Care group.

They are perfect for each other and enjoy life. It can happen.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3631 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Topic Posts: 16

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