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blakesteele posted 8/13/2013 15:08 PM

Okay, so we are not doing very well at all. Tensions are high...my wife is as quick to anger...almost to the point of rage as quickly as I am.

To date, I can't say I have seen real remorse. We have the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair...partially applied by my wife. She seems more interested in doing her individual journey then marraige work...say this because of the types of books she reads and her actions towards me and our marriage. But we had a hostile conversation about how important continuing MC was to her...she was fighting hard for it.

Kicker is her actions speak to individual work...her words to marital work. A month and a half ago I suggested stepping away from MC for a while...let us continue our work in IC and then see where that leads us. I still have anger issues and trigger hard about every 4 days...which is better then every hour.

I still ask similar and identical questions sometimes. We are 11 months out. I still rage occasionally. We have been in counseling once a week for almost 11 months now. I try to use "I" statements during our talks. I try to check my assumptions by asking her about them. She more or less doesnt get fully on board with the "I" statement thing and says that "checking assumptions" doesnt always mean talking to her (meaning I should have enough knowledge to answer some of them myself).

Is this normal? Ideas on how to get past this?

We are also at different stages along our spiritual path...appears to be becoming an issue between us.

Add to this the fact that her sister early on told her to "put her relationship with the OM aside so that she can concentrate on her marriage" (this was BEFORE I knew about the affair). To be fair..the sister did not know how deeply invested my wife was with the OM at that time...she was under the impression they were "just friends". Of course, NOW my wife and I have new wisdom...and there really can't be "just friends". But her FOO are very much instilled in her sister too...just like my FOO are part of my brothers too.

BIG driver now? My girls start back to school on Thursday...this is where my wife and OM would connect...drop respective kids off and meet. Pre-A I would occasionally ask to come into work late or leave early so I could have the pleasure of taking or picking up my girls. We bought a house that is 2 blocks from the school so that we could walk them to school. My wifes AP insists on parking along the street between our home and the school.

Thanks to the SI members that think I am a compassionate, thoughtful guy who has evolved...but I am not Zen enough to see her AP and not act like a Silver back gorilla and "protect" my family. That leaves me angry at myself.

We are also just about 2 weeks out from my 1 year anti-versary.

Anyone got one of those light sticks they use in Men In Black that are used to erase memories?

This is part of Gods plan. And I have free will. I just wish I didnt have so much free will...wish my path was more clear.

Mercy in mystery....right?

[This message edited by blakesteele at 3:15 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

TxsT posted 8/13/2013 15:21 PM

Blake....did you not post something similar the other day? Maybe I read it in a different forum. Maybe I am just way too exhausted from my own night of personal hell.

May I ask you something without upsetting you? What exactly are the issues you are hung up about? What is stalling your progression? I feel you are very devoted to trying to get to the other side but I can't really suggest anything until I know what your stumbling blocks currently are.

My sure fire fix and advise for just about anything in my world right now is open and honest FEELING communication. Feeling communication is where you remove all The blame structure and the body part fighting and just speak totally in feelings.....

Example.....I feel that when you continually don't get the point I am trying to make that I am not stating the issue correctly. I feel out in how to word the question better.

Or.....when you show me exasperation over my feelings it makes me feel lost, unappreciated, unwanted, whatever the feeling is.

The blessing the feeling communication brings is it lets you express things that might not be apparent to the other person in a kinder, not damning way.

My favorite line to my hubby is that when I have to repeat myself often it makes me feel like you are my father and I am trying to talk to the brick wall he always put up because I was a girl. My father disrespects women. Since my hubby now knows the damage may relationship with my father did to me he totally GETS my feelings. If I said the same thing this way.....stop sounding like my father or stop making me feel like a broken record, the message gets lost.

I hope this is of some help to you. I am struggling with my own demons today and in a world of tiredness. I didn't sleep more then 2 hours last night.

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 3:24 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

blakesteele posted 8/13/2013 15:38 PM

((((TxsT)))))

I am grateful to your post to me.

It's crazy how one person can add clarity....your post did that.

I see now that I engage my wife in the "father" format...,and that is discomforting to all involved....I don't want to be her father nor she, my daughter.

Like you, our MC checked me up on doing this very thing 4 months ago. I see now I am repeating an unhealthy pattern.

Got to find the strength to do a different thing. I am so very tired too.

I pray you find the peace you need now. Your input added just enough energy to me to get back up and at least take a few breaths...if not get back in the mix.

blakesteele posted 8/13/2013 16:04 PM

You are correct...still in the same spot.....frustrated, but I see my role in that' more clearly now.