After he left, I listened to see if he had any incriminating conversations, which he did not. What I did learn was how nasty I sounded in every interaction. My tone, attitude, sarcasm sounded extreme. I was shocked. It is horrible to end up the one looking bad.
I wouldn't want to be around me either. Not sure what to do now... We had had a great weekend then when he seemed distant last night and said he was too sore and tired and while in the shower (at my insistence) and I swore he said SOW name. So went my mood in the morning.
Like I said, if he is having a PA, not sure I would blame him, after hearing myself.
As Maya says, When we know better, we do better." You can choose your tone or to tone down the sarcasm. Will not change the pain, just lets you continue to respect yourself during this crapapoluzza.
I think most of us BS's have done that too. I know, for myself, I really had to catch myself before spouting off something hateful or sarcastic. Keeping my voice at an even keel helped Mr Lucky to respond more in kind to me also.
People ask me how in the world I can even be considering a future with him now that I found out about a new A... That's why. Because I was just as nasty and destructive but in a different way. No wonder he went looking for someone else when I basically shit on him every time he tried!
Don't beat yourself up about it - personally I think it's a good thing that this happened now while you've got time to decide how you want to proceed. For me, I think the realization came much too late.
R Began 5/21/11
D-Day #2 7/9/13 (OW #2 is OW #1's first cousin)
R Began (again) 5/03/14
I just want him to hear from another source other than me - what a shit he is.
Then, I usually end up also hearing what it does to a marriage when there is no forgiveness, or there is constant criticism, etc.
I didn't 'cheat' on him. And I am plenty pissed that he won't give me what I need.
But, I surely haven't done what I could be doing to help us heal either.
I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy
I may not have had an A, but I am not sure my H's gives me full entitlement to become a complete hateful human forever.
Thanks for sharing your findings!! Maybe recognzing it will allow us to be less hateful.
Sometimes just saying, 'I am feeling very angry at you right now' is all I need.
Be kind to yourself, and forgiving. You have been traumatized, you have been betrayed. It is so absolutely devastating. It is not your fault he had an A.
I know that I would also be disgusted if I heard myself while in a fight with WH. I am mean and hurtful and filled with crazy rage. I don't know myself anymore, but I can't help coming back to the fact that it is HE who turned me into this person. I am still early on in the process but I am really trying, and thanks to your post which has given me a kick in the pants to remember to keep trying to calm the eff down and refrain from sarcasm (my 2nd language).
It's nice to see how many people are sarcastic; I know that I use mine like a finely, sharpened blade. It's my defense mechanism (even my IC commented on it at our first meeting).
I will say, I am aware of it, and attempt to tone it down, but the rage hits and at that pointm I just don't care. I should, but I don't. I remember a time when I asked him to tell me when I was being that way so that I could change it; he didn't and then cited his bitterness at when I was being that way (despite ASKING him politely to TELL me so that I WOULDN'T talk to him that way). I remember changing my tonality and how I talked to him CONSIDERABLY because I wasn't sure WHEN I was talking that way. I remember asking people around me "when do I sound harsh?" And they told me so I tried to tone it down. This was certainly a problem for me that I had asked him to help me on because I HATE my voice, always think I sound tactless and un-eloquent (even if I am; I'm hard on my speech).
Too bad by that time he was already f*cking POSOW.
Maybe I'll tone it down again in the future, but for now, sarcasm is engaged at 70%. He doesn't want me to go to the full 100%.