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Kid help please

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heforgotme posted 8/13/2013 16:32 PM

So, this time last year, WH and I bought another car so that our daughter could drive our old minivan to school for her senior year. The plan (which she didn't know at that point) was to give it to her for graduation.

Well then the whole school year she did nothing but complain about the van. Everything works and runs just fine, the problem is that she doesn't like minivans.

So, graduation time comes around and I tell WH, hey I know we were going to give her the van for graduation, but seeing as how she's not crazy about it, it doesn't make a very good present, so how about we give her a check instead.

So, we agreed on that. $2013.

DD gets the check for graduation and is thrilled. Until she realizes that now she doesn't have a car and can't get much of one for $2000. So, I tell her our original plan and why we changed it and that if she would rather have the van instead that it's fine with us.

And ever since then there's been nothing but problems. She decided on the van, but continually talks about how we took "her" check back. I have tried to discuss this with her til I am blue in the face, but she is not getting it.

I do not see how this is hard to understand. She is simply being ungrateful.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I got a camera for graduation. I can't believe that she is walking away with a vehicle, but acting like she somehow got "gypped".

WH is ready to throw the $$ at her and tell her not to expect another cent from us. As bratty as she's being, it's actually tempting. But of course we won't. I just can't believe how this thing that was supposed to be so nice got turned into a problem. And I can't think of a solution.

If there are any ideas, I'd appreciate them. Otherwise, just thanks for letting me vent.

Williesmom posted 8/13/2013 16:34 PM

Take the van back and tell her to get her own fucking transportation.

Seriously. She's being more than a brat.

jrc1963 posted 8/13/2013 16:35 PM

^^^ Williesmom took the words right out of my mouth.

Take the van back and keep the check.

ajsmom posted 8/13/2013 16:42 PM

I would say "Asked and answered" then 180 her selfish ass.


RyeBread posted 8/13/2013 16:47 PM

Wow, that has really got to wear on you heforgotme....sorry you have to deal with that.

I have no answers for you. But my first thought was to tell her that the van was so that she has enough room to fit all of her things. Now start packing her stuff!

Ah, the innocence/ignorance of youth

GabyBaby posted 8/13/2013 16:49 PM

Take the van, keep the check, then get her a single day's bus pass.

Hopefully she uses it to find a job.

Aubrie posted 8/13/2013 16:52 PM

The money is yours. She rejected it. It was a gift that she opted out of. Boo freaking hoo.

If you give her the money, she wins. She will know that throwing her tantrum, while it may take time, will pan out for her. That in the end, if she howls loud enough, she will get what she wants.

She made her choice. She will have to learn to live with it. Or she can get a job and buy her own car with her own money.

heforgotme posted 8/13/2013 16:54 PM

I know, right???? I can't really figure it out bc we never really spoiled her with material things, so this is pretty out of left field. She's not usually like this.

In hindsight, I think I should have cut her off at the knees when she started complaining about the van in the first place. I should have refused to let her drive it if she was going to have that kind of attitude. But she was going to a very "rich" high school where they pretty much all got brand new cars for their 16th birthdays, so I was trying to be understanding in that affected her attitude towards the van.

Whoops. Guess that was the wrong thing to do.

Better go read up on the 180........

musiclovingmom posted 8/13/2013 16:56 PM

I would be inclined to explain it this way:
The van was a gift, which you refused. We then gave you a check for $2013. You could not find a suitable car for that price. So, in exchange for your check of $2013 you got the van (or, we, in effect, sold you the van for $2013).
Write up a bill of sale if you think making it official will help. She may not like it, but it proves that you did NOT 'take away' her check. She spent it.

lieshurt posted 8/13/2013 17:15 PM

WH is ready to throw the $$ at her and tell her not to expect another cent from us.

I wouldn't do this. He is just rewarding her poor behavior if he gives in. Stand your ground now. Otherwise, you can expect more of this behavior to follow.

metamorphisis posted 8/13/2013 17:43 PM

I would stop entertaining her nonsense. It was a gift.. if she has a problem with it tell her your next step is to take the van too. If she's going to be miserable either way, why bother paying her to be miserable?
That should do the trick if you say it like you mean it.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:44 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

Dreamboat posted 8/13/2013 18:34 PM

But she was going to a very "rich" high school where they pretty much all got brand new cars for their 16th birthdays

Big mistake. I went to a rich HS and *I* did not have a car. I was able to sometimes drive my Dad's car that was older than I was. Guess what? I survived! And so did the rough 1/2 of my fellow students whose parents were not rich enough to throw money at a greedy teenager. She should be thankful that you made the sacrifices necessary to live in the "rich" HS school zone rather than the ghetto high school where the education is generally crap.

Tell her the STFU everytime she whines. Treat her like the 3 yr old that she is acting. I have no problem telling my 16 yr old when she is being a brat. Tell her if she whine one more time then you will donate the car to goodwill and she will not get another dime from you. She is an adult now and she needs to act it. Finally, if she needs money that badly, then give her permission to sell the van for cash. And let her figure out how to do that.

Ungrateful kids

MissesJai posted 8/13/2013 18:50 PM

Take the van, keep the check, then get her a single day's bus pass.
BAM - do it!

Cally60 posted 8/13/2013 19:09 PM

I think Musiclovingmom's logical explanation was really good. However, it sounds as though you've probably already tried explaining, but to no avail.

Obviously, the bald facts do make your daughter sound very ungrateful. But you say that she doesn't have a history of being materialistic. So I think there's much more to the apparent ingratitude than meets the eye.

Namely peer pressure and perhaps the fear of losing face. Yes, it's easy for us, as mature adults, to say losing face doesn't matter. But to teenagers, social pressure can be very cruel and losing face devastating. So, for what it's worth, here's my theory....

I had a minivan, loved it and still miss it. But I gather than teens don't consider minivans cool. I think that when she started driving the minivan, your daughter probably took a bit of flak from the nastier element of the rich friends for driving one. And, naively, instead of making some confident, jokey retort, she was defensive. So instead of stopping right there, the nasty comments continued and escalated escalated. basically, she and her minivan became the target of a degree of bullying. [Grrrr...... ]Hence her complaints and apparent dissatisfaction with it. At eighteen, she wasn't going to tell you what was going on. So she vented her unhappiness to you via rude remarks about the van. [If this is what happened, then I am so sorry, Heforgotme. Bullying is soul-destroying - not jsut for the actual targets. :-(( ]

When your daughter got the cheque, she was excited and she may well have told people that she planned to buy a car. But then she found out how much cars cost. And reality set in. She made the better, more logical choice. (Yay!) But now she is upset about losing face. And THAT is why she is behaving so badly.

At the moment, like many a teenager, she is totally focused on her own feelings. In this situation, I think she would benefit a lot from a shift of focus and being encouraged to think about YOUR feelings.

So I'd start by asking her non-confrontationally, in a quiet moment, whether she realizes how hurtful it is for her father and you to hear her talk in this way. I'd remind her how you've always supported her and tried to do your best for her. Of how until now you've always been really proud of her and of her excellent values, etc. etc. And since the two of you love her so much, you were really excited about being able to give her what to you and her hard-working father was a very generous gift for graduation.

But now, instead, the two of you are both upset and really hurt. Because she has somehow changed, from your loving, proud-making daughter, to an apparently ungrateful and selfish brat, who is not only saying that your carefully budgeted-for gift is not enough, but is even accusing you of taking back the cheque that SHE chose to exchange for the minivan.

I'd pause. (Perhaps to wipe awya the tears that I'm sure by now would be streaming down my face.) And then I'd ask quietly, "Daughter, this is NOT the real you, is it? So what's really going on? What's behind it all?"

If it didn't all immediately come pouring out, I think I'd perhaps ask outright whether it was something to do with the rich classmates, who had more money than character. Had some of them made immature and unpleasant comments about Dad's minivan? etc. etc. And then wait. And maybe give her a hug. And hope that I found out the truth.

kernel posted 8/13/2013 19:27 PM

At the moment, like many a teenager, she is totally focused on her own feelings. In this situation, I think she would benefit a lot from a shift of focus and being encouraged to think about YOUR feelings.

^^^I think this can have a lot of impact. I also think you should mention how disappointed you are in her behavior, and how much she has hurt your feelings. I would put it into a letter because seeing it written out will have more impact. I used to do this when my youngest DD was being a pill about doing her chores and I was sick of talking at her when she clearly was not listening. It made her actually stop and think about her behavior instead of reacting in a defensive way to me talking to her. It helps when you are in the right, too!

Kajem posted 8/14/2013 01:40 AM

It's her car. Let her trade it in for a newer model sedan. Along with yhe payments-thst will be hers alone. That way she'll understand exactly what is involved with purchasing a car. Maybe then she'll realize just how much love was wrapped in that gift.



Bobbi_sue posted 8/14/2013 06:24 AM

Yes, I think she is acting like a spoiled brat/typical teenager about this, and I'm pleasantly surprised with the replies so far because it seems to me more often, yes sometimes even on this forum, I hear accounts of parents indulging/spoiling their kids and then wondering why they are spoiled and less than grateful.

But sometimes even when we raise them "not to be that way" their selfish friends and everything they seem to have gets to them, and plus it is partly just their age, I guess.

Anyway, it reminds me of my daughter in her senior year of high school. I gave her my old car when I got a different one. I hated that car but I think she looked at it as a "car" and any car is better than no car...if it runs. This was a Chevy Spectrum but the S fell of the the model name on the side, so she and her friends called it the Rectum.

But she never complained, at least not to our faces, about the car because I think she knew better.

We don't live in a "rich" area but of course some kids have everything, and a lot of kids have nothing. My kids were in what I would consider the "average" category but there were few average kids: mostly those with everything (or parents who wanted to spend like they had everything even though they were actually average) and those with nothing, and because of their grades and other factors, my kids were more likely to hang with the "everything" kids than the "nothing" kids. It seemed to have the most effect on my oldest. She didn't want shoes from K-mart, nor to be seen "going in" Dollar General. I was shocked she even expressed these concerns because that is not how I raised her!

Anyway, she did know some kids who had "nothing" and I remember one day that one of those kids must have heard her complaining about the Rectum, and that kid set her straight and told her how lucky she was to have any car at all. Coming from another kid, that really meant a lot to her, probably a lot more than if we had said it to her. She then opened her eyes to the fact that the majority of kids in her class had NO car at all.

tushnurse posted 8/14/2013 08:49 AM

So let me get this straight, you GAVE her a car, and she complained about it, so you gave her cash, and she didn't have enough? You were kind enough to let her have the van again, and now she is complaining about it?

She's done with high school? Is she going to college? Is she going away to college? If so I would absoultely positively NOT let her take the van. Many schools don't allow freshman to bring their vehicles because of space issues.

If she is staying at home, and going to school and living at home, then I would aboslutely take away her driving privledges for anything other than school and home.

I'm a little confused though, what is keeping her from getting a part time job? I worked while in school, just part time, on hoidays, and christmas and summer break, and banked as much $$ as possible. My H did the same, and my kids will be expected to as well. My son of 16 just got his lisence, but had a part time job this summer just the same, and he will be expected to get a new PT job as soon as marching band season is over.

It sounds like she is a bit deluded over what is reasonable, and what is expected. Time for her to understand that $$ does not grow on trees.

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