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Wow this forum has opened my eyes...

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Silentthoughts posted 8/13/2013 16:34 PM

I'm new to si but 2.5 yrs from dday. I am going to buckle down and try to open myself up to my emotions which I block. I thought I was doing everything i could to help my BH heal and he is much better but I haven't dealt with my stuff sufficently. I have a long sordid story...sorry in advance.

Married 25 years 3 grown children. Considered each other soul mates and have a very physical relationship. no support network at all. we were somewhat social but because of multiple moves and my h work schedule and wanting me all to himself (even the h and kids think this) no good friends. Moved in fall of 2010 again,
Late nov 2010 joined aff to find ow for threesome with my husband. Did not deep down want this but I have completely lost my own sense of self and do what h wants (b/c I don't communicate and analyze my feelings h did not realize I felt this way). In my early 20s before my h i did threesome and was a little wild and he really never let my past go and had problems with it so I thought if I do this for him I am awesome wife and he will drop my past. On aff did not find ow but did start getting contacted by men who thought I was sexy which I hid from h because I knew he would be upset. Many justifications later went from mild flirting to cyber sex to camming with 1 guy and sex talk with lots of others. Luckily he caught me after about 9 days total on line doing innapropriate things. No emotional connection or physical meeting took place. BH found out mid dec and it was lying and TT until full disclosure in mid jan 2011. Full disclosure of the details iI remember. A lot is a blur, it's like going to a giant party with 100s of ppl and trying to remember each conversation and everything that happened. You know the big stuff like you went home alone, but the details of everything else is foggy.

So all of 2011 BH spent trying to fix me. I stopped going on the computer unless he was home( I don't work since last move) we already had a transparent life, we were very enmeshed in each others life already so no changes there. I have done some ic and we had some mc but mostly we have been doing self help.

I'm allowed on my iPod now but makes it difficult to read and post so sorry if I'm a little difficult to follow. Hard to review whatever I've written.

I've known for some time I am extreme conflict avoidant and my BH is completely opposite and this continues to be a major source of problems for us. I ordered the book that so many of you have recommended nonviolent communication...I think it's called should b here 2morrow. Also we've been reading the high conflict couple (dbt book) by Alan fruzzetti phd. Among about 10 other books I've read and reread.

BH finally about 6 months ago realized he needed to concentrate on himself and let me fix me. We think he has Pisd and a book for that is coming 2morrow also.

I've realized we've come a long way since dday but I'm making a to do list for myself when I finish this post.

Thank you for letting me introduce myself.

Aubrie posted 8/13/2013 20:21 PM

Welcome to SI Silentthoughts.

Thanks for sharing your story.

I'm allowed on my iPod now but makes it difficult to read and post so sorry if I'm a little difficult to follow.
Does your husband know you're on SI? Will you share that with him? I too carried out my As online. My husband took a massive leap of faith allowing me to continue using the laptop. He never put restrictions on me, but I know that he was checking my history all the time. I made sure there was nothing bad for him to find. My browser history was full of SI and self-help stuff. Still is. (Well, and a little Pinterest)

BH finally about 6 months ago realized he needed to concentrate on himself and let me fix me.
My husband tried to fix me for years. On Dday, he was like, "Ya know. There is something wrong with you. You fix it. I'm done." It was probably the most liberating and terrifying moment for him.

Anyway, welcome. Hope you find the help and support you're looking for.

20WrongsVs1 posted 8/14/2013 16:08 PM

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. The book Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is changing my life, along with IC and my BH's support. Like you, I was cut off from my emotions and sense of self. Do you know why you're that way? It's important to figure that out. For me, according to my C I had disassociative coping techniques and PTSD from CSA.

After 2.5 years you are not allowed to go on a computer? Am I sensing some resentment about that? Have you discussed adjusting that boundary recently? If you're conflict avoidant and he's not...I get how hard it is to bring up a topic on which you might disagree. NVC will help with that.

Has BH officially forgiven you?

Silentthoughts posted 8/15/2013 09:10 AM

Thanks so much for your responses! I plan to tell BH Im on si. I sometimes feel like a squirrel with a strange new nut. I hide it away, then pull it out to examine it then hide it away again, over and over. I do have resentments. I know that I sometimes withhold peices of myself in a passive aggressive way b/c of control issues in our m. But I will say I floored BH the other day when I said I'm not like you, I don't always know how I'm feeling. BH is very logical but also very deep feeling and does not have trouble articulating his thoughts and feelings. I sometimes just have nothing there hence the user name.

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