SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

After the initial shock when my H confessed his affair and told me she was pregnant, I made him take me to see her. I had never met her and wanted to see who she was, since she had apparently been a silent third party in my marriage for the last year, and was apparently also going to be the mother of my H's baby. I was still traumatized from being blindsided, and I was really trying to be 'kind' and 'classy', and show her that I was the 'better woman'.

She let me ask her some questions and answered them for me in front of him. She was not in the least bit ashamed or apologetic. I was so humiliated to realize that this had been going on for almost a year and I had not had any idea. I felt like such a fool, like she must have been thinking, 'What a stupid woman.' I think I was trying to save face in front of HER, and I actually said to her, "I haven't been a good wife to him this last year. Thank you for taking care of him when I couldn't." My H was very upset when I said that, and said it was enough and time to leave. I made myself look so pitiful in his eyes.

What the hell? If I could undo anything about how I handled all this, it would be that. It wasn't bad enough he humiliated me, I had to throw myself on the pyre. I know I was a good wife, and my H has only ever said that I was the best wife ever, that this had nothing to do with me or anything I did or didn't do. So why would I do that???

DNA test. Liars lie. Forget about her and focus on your lying WH's ass. Everyone here will be on your side. This is in no way your fault. Plus, he's an asshole for doing that to you. Hugs.

Hugs, PP. Honestly, I think there is some temporary insanity that occurs after d day. We all in some way regret things we did or said. By the way you and I share a d day. What a weird bond.

(((plainpain))) who cares that you said that, it was hard enough having to be face to face. I think you did better than I would have. My WH's MOW probably couldn't get in a word edgewise because my fist would be in her face.

Nothing to be ashamed of. You do not have to explain your perceived missteps to anyone, you are under extreme stress now.

You were hurt, confused, and probably out of your mind. Try to be kinder to yourself and realize you reacted that way because you were in a dark place. I am not happy with how I reacted to DDay either. I wish I had been more vocal to the OW before NC was put in place. I felt as if she probably felt satisfaction in my silence as a sign of how she had gained an advantage over me.

You did what you did and it cannot be changed. I hope you find a way to own it and move past the guilt you feel in it. You did nothing wrong. You are better than her. Your story could be mine and I have heard you. And I truly mean this, bless your sweet heart.

Maybe you said that because you haven't yet been able to process "how" your husband could do something so horrible. With more time, you will be able to internalize that his A was 100% his horrible choice and 0% yours.

You have experienced a severe trauma and you are not yet whole with your ability to articulate the reasons for the trauma.

It may be akin to physically abused people who feel they probably did deserve some of the beatings because after all, they did leave the top of the peanut butter jar.

Be easy on yourself for what you said. It holds no water. Be kind to yourself as you try to heal.

I'm sorry for what has been imposed on your life by someone you trusted fully. Strength to you.

NMAI

I feel like this whole thing has made me bi-polar. I don't even know who I am anymore. Some days I am so proud of myself for how mature I am and that I haven't thrown myself in front of a bus. Other days, I feel like I am scratching through dust for my dignity.

(((plainpain)))

Infidelity is incredibly disorienting. Be kind to yourself; you and your H know the truth of the matter.

Okay, so you wish you hadn't said, "I haven't been a good wife to him this last year. Thank you for taking care of him when I couldn't."

You just forgot to add, "if he was going to see a whore, at least you saved us money."

You are the better person, pp, don't you forget it for a nanosecond!

Dear PP

I can see the hurt in your post.

A possible reason for saying and even feeling like this on some level is about having a sense of control. It sounds counter intuitive, but maybe if somehow your 'not being a good wife' contributed to an environment that 'caused' him to be unfaithful. then if you are now a 'good wife' you can effect that outcome.

In a way I can see how a driver might have been to mark your territory.

I said a similar thing to my H. shortly after discovery. In my mind I thought "So AP watch out because now I am back in my groove"

We 'know' that their affairs are about them. That even having been the most attentive wife would not have changed that outcome. but it is a natural and understandable reaction to wish if we just did something differently it would never have happened.

On a level I wonder if you were letting her know that his infidelity wasn't about her. That he didn't 'choose' her. And in some sense you were right. His actions had nothing to do with her, other than that she was available. She may as well have been a mirror. Because his affair was all about him.

Both of them were like emotional vampires, without reflections, needing another party (any available party) to validate them.

Maybe you did this at the time because you just needed to. And although with time you feel regret that you may have given her a window into your hurt, she DOES NOT matter.

You do. It is past, what impression she is left with over time you can care less and less about.

I now that seems a long way off, but I do feel some way along that path. although I still obssess about my H's AP over time this has begun to be less about her as a person and more about her as a symbol.

It is ok that you did what you needed to do at the time and confront her. and now your needs are different and you can draw a line in the sand between who you are as you recover and actions you took when your pain was so extreme.

Very few things in life will take us to brink like our partners infidelity. There are very few stressors that sit in the same degree for most people.

It is an extrodinary event. It feels life threatening, because emotionally and neurologically it effects most of us with that degree of extreme pain.

It would not be unusual for someone to confront a party who is threatening somone that is dearest to the persons heart. This external person was a threat to the precious entity of your marriage. and faced with this threat your immediate response was to act, move and fight.

there is no right and wrong with that. some of us would freeze, others flee. It is at a base instinct level of how differnet people deal with different stressors.

Blessings to you while you heal and recover PP. You are not alone.

Meg

[This message edited by MegM at 6:55 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

PP -

What you may have said to OW is less than a nano second in a time continuum that spans eons. These 2 people did not care about your feelings or comments before this... do not cede them the power to judge your comments now. You are entitled to "think out loud" while you work through this. They are entitled to nothing.

One of the best (and easiest) things I've embraced in the last 4 years:

Life is rarely Either/Or.

Truth resides in BOTH/AND.

Can you see the truth in the following: "I was BOTH brave to face the pregnant OW face-to-face ... AND overwhelmed by pain and shame I said one sentence that I regret."

You've suffered a major trauma in the last month. Be Gentle with Yourself! Don’t take his affair personally.

{PlainPain}

As far as HUMILIATION goes-- HOW much lower, humiliating and degrading could it be than to be on receiving end of those questions. You were miles ahead of her to begin with. Also, guessing that anyone who cheats like that is so self centered

that your words were also a blip to the SHOULDA COULDA WOULDAs she replayed regarding her end of the

Q&A discussion!

(((plainpain)))

I so understand . You have no idea how much I have blamed myself for everything.

It is a result of how our WSs have blameshifted their behavior onto us.

plainpain,

you had nothing to do with his decision to cheat.

I understand that you feel humiliated now, but in fact what I see is that you are the

bigger person in all of this, you are so far above that low life OW, there is no comparison.

Just proceed now, knowing that.

Okay, so you wish you hadn't said, "I haven't been a good wife to him this last year. Thank you for taking care of him when I couldn't."

You just forgot to add, "if he was going to see a whore, at least you saved us money."

Brilliant!

I know I wished I would have said alot of things to OW when she called me to out the LTA. I was in shock and could hardly get a word out of my mouth. I was in a hotel, out of state working, and my WH had just got on a plane to fly home after a fabulous holiday weekend with me. OW was mad because he had lied to her about where he was going. She questioned me like she had some right to know mine and my husband's business, like did we make love that weekend and had he told me about them. I remember just standing there in total shock as this woman I never heard of told me all about their love for each other and that my husband was going to D me and marry her. I felt just as humilated as you probably felt for not saying hardly anything at all and not asking more questions. After I hung up I remember just wanting to die and contemplated throwing myself off the balcony of my hotel suite or drowning myself in the bay. My husband had to fly back to get me because I got so ill I couldn't even make it to the airport and my friends had the hotel management checking on me until he got there to get me. I was so humilated and devastated. I look back on that almost 2yrs later and couldn't believe that was me. I had always been such a strong person and had always been outspoken before.

Do not feel bad for what you said to that slut. She is not worth it and if she is pregnant with your husband's child that is for him to have to deal with, not you. You did nothing wrong, he did. Do not let this define you. We do and say alot of things when we find out the person we love has betrayed us. Your husband betrayed you in the worse possible way. I can't imagine what you must have felt to hear this. I am saying a prayer for you tonight . (((HUGS)))

There's no way U should be imbarassed by anything U say. Your H and the Ow are the ones that should not only be imbarrased but ashamed of their lying, cheating , sneaky ways. your husband don't deserve U. He's a friggen asshole. Hugs.

Don't beat yourself up. I know you feel humiliated but really by who...the

slut that got pregnant by a mm? Her opinion isn't shit. Gosh I wish I could change things I ssid to ow but we aren't supposed to be having to talk to bitches that eff our husband's, that wasn't in the playbook . It's a whole new world and set of circumstances that knock the hell out of us. You shouldnt be mad at yourself. Sounds like you were trying not to be a stereotypical scorned woman and scream at her. I'm glad your ws stepped in and ended it. That's a good thing he did, I think.

PP, you will come to see this as just a small bump in the road. Yea, your statement to her was kinda cringe-worthy....but I'm looking at the bright side. You sat across from a woman that is carrying your WH's child...and she is still breathing.

I'd say that is something for you to be proud of.

@gonnabe...cringe worthy...perfectly stated. I couldn't find the word. Lol. I could make the face and did though