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Is this a phase on the healing timeline?

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Tired05 posted 8/13/2013 18:45 PM

For the past month or so, I have become more and more disgusted with my WH. The thought of sex with him...or with anyone as a matter of fact, has me scowling. This disgust that I have for him spills over into almost everything. I do get aroused, but I can't masturbate because I find it hard to find anything pure or fun or think of sex as enjoyable. I find myself thinking constantly that I don't even really like him, how can I love him? I'm not sure I do. He's self centered, he seemed to have no moral compass or boundaries, he had no concern for anyone else, and he is/was such a good actor that I know he can say or do exactly what he knows I am looking for and when I let my guard down, he'll do whatever he wants. Sure, I care about him, don't want to see him hurt, I do (mostly) enjoy spending time in his company (platonicly), but sometimes just looking at him makes me want to walk away. We are 4 months away from getting everything out there in the open after TT and successful NC. He has thrown a lot of undercover fence sitting my way(or maybe you could just say taking it underground. "Yes, I am going no contact, completely done." but didn't even attempt NC kind of thing), and for quite a while was not remorseful. Now I think that he is, but I just can't stand touching him. All I see is other people when I see him. All I see is how shitty he treated me and our daughter on top of his As. I know I am early on...but these things seem like volcanos I need to climb over, and most of the time, I can say that he is not worth it. Is this just a phase? I know I am deep in the anger stage, but absolute disgust seems a little extreme...?

[This message edited by Tired05 at 6:50 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

Lucky posted 8/13/2013 19:19 PM

I think that it's normal. At four months out some of the initial shock has worn off and you are able to look at the A a little differently. Being disgusted is normal, feeling absolutely nothing is normal - it's called "the plain of lethal flatness".

MegM posted 8/13/2013 19:36 PM

Dear T05

It is a completely normal reaction.

It might be that his infidelity (am I understanding correctly that there have been multiple APs) may be something that you can't safely heal from in the marriage.

It may be that the anger and disgust are a stage in your healing.

It may be that you are not trusting he is completely in and feel the need to protect yourself until you can feel at least this is the case.

Which ever it is. Trust your body and intuition. Over time you will start to be able to decipher what might be contributing to this, if it continues.

It is VERY early days.

It sounds you are not trusting who he is, and even if you like who he is.

A trait of many people who are unfaithful, is being inauthentic. In particular there are a hundred ways they need to placate their partners and put them 'off the trail'.

A party of recoverying is the need for them to establishe themselves as an fully authentic and present human being. Without doubt, fully IN the marriage.

And then over time the betrayed person being able to test and trust that.

It is way to early to expect that of yourself. But NOT to early for him to be working towards that every day.

What is he doing to show you and himself that he is authentic and committed to recovery and all the work involved?

Is what he doing enough for you to continue to work to heal in marriage?

If not than it is possible he is not meeting your 'conditions' for reconciliation.

i know this is hard. but our bodies are very good gauges of our feelings. trust your body.

best wishes


Tired05 posted 8/13/2013 20:04 PM

Thank ya'll for posting.

I can definitely see that it could be any one of those three scenerios. Is infidelity a dealbreaker for me? Maybe. Is this just a phase or part of the rollercoaster that I need to go through? Maybe. Or is it that I still do not know if he is being authentic? Maybe. I guess only time will tell which one.

I do know that most days I doubt that he really wants to be in this marriage. Some days I wonder if he really wants it or if it just happens to be the easiest thing right now. Or he DOES want to be all in it NOW, until he decides he wants to cheat again. He has given me all passwords and all accounts, he seems to be telling the truth, I keep having this nagging feeling that he has another 'secret' email, but he says that he does not and that I have everything and I can't find any evidence that he is lying. He answers all of my questions as best as he can. But like I said, I constantly wonder if he has just 'stepped up his game' and is lying and acting even harder. Am I still being taken for a ride? I can't say with 100% certainty that I don't think I am.

I know this takes a lot of time and comparitively I have barely even started. I figure I'm not in a rush to do anything right now anyway.

[This message edited by Tired05 at 8:06 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

krazy8516 posted 8/13/2013 21:07 PM

I constantly wonder if he has just 'stepped up his game' and is lying and acting even harder. Am I still being taken for a ride? I can't say with 100% certainty that I don't think I am.

This is where I'm at right now. The difference is, I haven't reached the stage yet where I don't want to work this out. You said:

I don't even really like him, how can I love him?

For me, it is the opposite. I know that I love him, but I really don't like him right now. If you reach deep down, and find that you truly don't love him, then it's probably time to let go. Sometimes our WS's take too long to get their shit together, and by then it's too late. And sometimes, infidelity is just a deal breaker... and that's okay too.

doesitgetbetter posted 8/13/2013 21:20 PM

It might also have to do with OC being due this month. Things like that heighten the pain.

mysticpenguin posted 8/13/2013 23:11 PM

I just read your whole story. Gently, your WH has lied and lied and lied, gone underground multiple times, and seems to have violated NC right after your birthday in June. I think what you are feeling is likely a side effect of: 1. Having a WS who doesn't "get it" / is not remorsrful (from what I can gather from your profile) & 2. The OC being born this month, so soon after your DD.

My husband served in the military and your story resonates with me, and my heart breaks for what you've been through and are going through.

MegM posted 8/18/2013 05:19 AM


How have you been doing?


blakesteele posted 8/18/2013 07:28 AM


Much of what you post I can relate to. So I think this could be just a phase.

However, your experience leading up to this possible phase and subsequent post is quite different. My spouse, although our marriage had issues too, had only 1 AP and my total experience with adultery invited into my marriage lasted 4 months. It appears your spouse has had several different affairs and has been slow to take responsibility for them and jump into remorseful rebuilding mode.

I was so sad to read your profile.

BUT, there are lots of people on here who experienced similar situations as yours...and this level of flatness that you and I are feeling are felt by them too. So even though our EXPERIENCES differ, the fact that we are at a similar spot may make how we got here irrelevant. KWIM?

For the record, I think the wrong person in your marriage joined the military. I respect your strength and a level not common in todays society. I feel this is a trait that should be a part of an honorable soldier. I hope your husband places the same value on this as I do and is truly committed on fixing that which is broken in him so that his lucky marriage to you is rebuilt on a new foundation of honesty and integrity....If he doesn't, people are a dime a dozen out there for him to continue his dishonorable ways of coping with...and it will allow you to move onto a person of your caliber.

Funny how that works. People with affair-tendencies can easily find others to commit this sin with...and that is good because it appears they will need many people over their lifetime. People who h don't have affair-tendencies are more rare, but it only takes one person to satisfy them over a lifetime.

God be with you.

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