I don't have any advice, but as the WS spouse, I may be able to provide a little insight. I know that it took me a long time... Scratch that. WAY TOO LONG for me to finally drop my defenses. Anytime TCD would start to trigger or vent, my defenses would go up, and more often than not her trigger would devolve into an argument about how I can't do anything right, how everything will always be my fault, etc. what it really came down to is that I have an incredible hypersensitivity to criticism. The thing is, for me anyway, that my defensiveness would increase in intensity the more I stood to lose in the situation. For example, if I am at work and someone tells me that I forgot to perform a test, or I missed a step in a procedure, it will bother me. I mean really, an ability to handle (constructive) criticism is something everyone should develop, but how many people really LIKE to be criticized? In this case, though, it doesn't bother me very much because I know that I am in the union and it's going to take much more than that to cause any serious ramifications in my life.
With TCD, these criticisms carry a much higher stake. These things that are wrong with me, if not fixed, carry the very painful and very real possibility of losing my family as I know it. To compound the problem, my hypersensitivity would lead to things that really were not direct criticisms of me being taken as such. And once the defenses went up, the battle was ready to begin.
I finally seem to have things under control, but I don't have any real tips on how to bring that defensiveness under control. I just do my best to listen to TCD when she is triggering or venting or whatever and remind myself that she is just letting out her feelings. One of my coworkers said to me once "She doesn't hate you, she hates what you did." If I am able to keep this though in mind, it helps me to remember that she does love me and she does want to be here, so takes your lumps when necessary, speak when appropriate, but never get angry.
Sorry for the long-windedness... I get it from my wind-bag of a father.
I know we're worth it.
WH/BH (Me-36) EA 11/11-12/11
BW/WW (tattoodchinadoll-34) EA early 2016, PA 8/16-9/16, Continued to 12/16 after discovery.
Together nearly 20 years, married for 14.
Three daughters, 12, 8 and 5.