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I am more broken each day...

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ccw82 posted 8/13/2013 19:18 PM

I am having a really hard time this week.

My WH's grandmother just passed away, so now I have to be the kind, supportive spouse in his time of need.

Who is this man I used to know and love? How could he have sex with a prostitute that he cherry-picked from an online escort website? I thought I was his best friend? His love???

And now *I* have to be there for him while he's going through the emotional pain of his beloved grandmother's death...

Please give me the strength to get through this!

DollheartDead posted 8/13/2013 20:33 PM

So sorry to hear that; I know the feeling.
I refused to go to a family dinner and pretend to be all happy smiley to cover for H last weekend after DDay. I felt like a bag of shit. But ultimately, he was/is a bag of crap for doing this. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO FEEL BAD ABOUT THIS! You only need to feel sad if you cared about his Grandmother and deal with your own feelings of loss for her. Are you in MC or R? Just curious.

sunsetslost posted 8/13/2013 21:16 PM

Hi ccw82. Wishing you love and strength.

Let me share my story. As much as I hate to compare the loss of a person to an animal we lost our dog a week after DDay. The dog (Pluto) was hers before I entered the picture. She was so in love with Pluto. He literally saved her life. They were closer than any person/dog than anybody I have ever seen. He had been having seizures for about a year and was 12 year old. While she was with her new boyfriend he had another set of seizures. This time he was left paralyzed and wasn't coming back. I had a decision to make. I could let her her suffer alone and refuse to pay the vet bills or I could be there for her and help her through. My decision was to be the better person because I am the better person. I held her, comforted her, took some time off of work to be with them when he was put to sleep. My mistake was taking the emotion and the hand holding and the embracing for what it wasn't. Even being just over a week out from finding out about her still ongoing affair I chose to help her through this dark time because I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I would have turned my back on her. Yes, I got kicked in the ass when I came home from work and she was not there. But thinking long term I made the right decision for me. I was there because i am a good person. Long term I can look back on those days and know I made the right decision for me. I wasn't there for her but I was there because for me it was the right thing to do.

You can make your own decision of course. Just don't mistake any emotion for what it isn't. I know you want him to come back and change his ways. The emotions of loss are separate from the issues with you guys. If you choose to help him through his loss then do that for you. You are the better person.
Love and strength to you. I am so sorry you are here but I'm glad you found us.

Compartmented posted 8/13/2013 21:42 PM

What you've gone through is a major trauma. Be gentle with yourself. Do you go to any groups, where you can share your feelings? S-Anon, or COSA?

Try to find some things that give you pleasure and pursue those, even if it's something small to start. Gardening, reading, walking? Art therapy can be helpful. Singing loudly in the car has helped me a lot.

Is your IC helping? If not, find a new one.

I'm so sorry you are in this pain. It's wretched!

Keep posting. {{{ hugs }}}

ccw82 posted 8/15/2013 12:32 PM

Thank you for the responses, sorry it has taken time to respond back. Work, kids, and family obligations have been the priority.

He was diagnosed as a SA. We tried marriage counseling, but after a month I didn't see any progress and it fizzled. Sadly, I just don't have the time to seek IC, so this forum has essentially become my IC!

He started going to SA meetings, but hasn't gone in a couple of weeks because of time constraints, especially with the passing of his grandmother.

Here's the deal: he says he's extremely remorseful and willing to do ANYTHING, and he's gone completely NC with porn, Craigslist, escort websites, everything...but it's the thought of what he's ALREADY DONE that I can't get over! I am freaking STUCK on the fact that my best friend, love of my life, wonderful husband went and had sex with a prostitute while I was at work! The mind movies are painful and sickening.

What could possess a man to wake up, kiss his wife goodbye as she leaves for work, tell her he loves her, and then scout out a prostitute from an escort website and drive across town to meet her in some shady apartment to have sex with her? Especially when him and I had a GREAT sex life?!? I just don't understand, but not for lack of trying! Dear overlords above, please help me understand because I am stuck, and my world has crumbled around me!!!

Compartmented posted 8/16/2013 17:43 PM


Have you looked in the forum called "I Can Relate" for spouses/partners of sex addicts? (Click on forums in the small yellow box to the left.) There's a list of reading resources on the first page of the thread, and there's a lot of good information posted there as well. Some people will read the whole thread and go back to a previous thread or two, as well. We're up to the 11th spouses of sex addicts thread, and some older ones can be found by paging back through the I Can Relate forum. This gives an overall picture of what others have tried and found helpful.

I know how horrible it feels. My X used lots and lots of prostitutes. I found out over the course of about a year, through what we call "trickle truth". Most of it I found by searching, though, instead of him trickling it out. I remember having to make a "self-care" list to have things to try to do to get through the day and get past the painful moments. I went to a ton of Al-Anon meetings, in addition to some S-Anon meetings. S-Anon was great in that I was finally in a room with people who got how horrible I felt. But there weren't enough S-Anon meetings and none were near me, so I went to a lot of Al-Anon meetings (my X was a daily heavy drinker), and sometimes to open AA meetings when I felt particularly awful. You don't have to share in these meetings, but it is great to have a place where you can feel safe sharing your troubles, and to listen to how others find the courage to deal with the chaos and pain in their life.

I'm sorry you find yourself here, but SI is a good resource for getting through this.

ccw82 posted 8/16/2013 18:30 PM

I did find the Spouses of SA threads, but they are all so overwhelming! Reading story after story of people going through all of the same stuff I am going makes me lose faith in humanity.

I am thinking of leaving him. I am actually thinking of sabotaging our relationship even further by dating other men. I hurt SO badly, and see no relief in sight. I want to run from the source of pain, fast and far! The man I loved was a figment of my imagination...he never truly existed. So why should I stay with this stranger?

The "mind movies" are excruciating! How he could touch this prostitute the same way he touches me, how he could have OUR sex with her in the positions we had sex? How could he let her touch him in the ways and places only I touch him? How could he take what was OURS, and so easily give it away?

MY husband would NEVER have done any of that. I don't know who THIS man is that I'm now stuck with, but he is certainly not the man I married. He is a total stranger to me, a pod person in the shell of the man I once loved.

ccw82 posted 8/17/2013 16:30 PM

We had the funeral for his grandmother today. Yesterday was hard for me (mind movies running ramped ), but today I spent time reflecting on our lives.

Life is so short! We only get ONE chance to make the most of it and be truly happy. The million dollar question is: WHAT will make me happy, or happiest?

I have some serious soul searching to do...

NotsosunnyG posted 8/17/2013 22:08 PM

I don't have any advice as I'm very new here but just wanted to send some hugs. I found out last week that WH slept with escorts four times in a period of a month and I too, feel the same way as you. Other days I find I'm trying to block the entire fiasco from my head which I'm sure isn't good either :(

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