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foundoutlater posted 8/13/2013 21:02 PM

I had a nightmare last night. I was at the delivery of our first child and a random person (an OM that never really existed) was also there as the bio dad. Woke me up and left me feeling shit I have not felt for a year. I have no reason to believe my kids are not mine but I have had unreasonable doubts that I thought were behind me. There was some anxiety leading up to this – our wedding anniversary was the day before.

I was in a really bad place and woke my W. I just wanted to hear from her some remorse and “I am sorry, this is my fault”. She reassured me that the kids are mine, that she is 100% in our M and so on. Being the middle of the night she was very tired and it did help. But I wanted “I’m sorry”. I told her it all hurt and she started to cry. She seemed scared and in her crying she said what if this is the end. Not our finest moments but it was the middle of the night and this all really felt like the first year all over again, even if for an hour one night.

I don’t know if I will ever be completely healed in our M. I really want to be. I don’t want to have these feelings and worries. I love my W and want to be M. I just think as time goes on this will be less frequent and less devastating. Anyone further along experience these kinds of things after a long period of it not being a problem? As I post this I think my W and I really need to talk it out when we are both rested and awake.

somanyyears posted 8/13/2013 21:19 PM

..

I don’t know if I will ever be completely healed in our M

..nightmares continue to haunt my nights..

..fWW's betrayal was with my bf and lasted over 18 years .. starting while she was my steady gf and on into our marriage.

..we have been in R for over 4 years and i still struggle with putting it all behind me.

..it can never be what it was supposed to be.. really sad to realize it never was!!

..if you want this marriage, you just have to keep trying.

..for me, at 66, it's too late to start all over again

smy

foundoutlater posted 8/13/2013 21:33 PM

Thanks SMY.

I saw a quote from jjct today (he has a way). It helped me. It might help you.

The hand of “what you wish it to be“ is holding your soul to the grindstone of “what is”.