First off, I feel a little strange coming back here after what seems like a pretty long time. I feel bad that I am here because I need you, SI. I feel like that fool who, upon facing death, prays to the God that was otherwise all but forgotten.
First, I am sorry. To myself. For staying after so many discoveries. I am sorry that I did not have the guts to just end it way back when it first came to be. Why I kept staying, kept letting him come back...I just don't know. He would cry. Beg. Feel like e could be better. I would give in. At first be strong and put up a front, be aloof. Slowly that subsided to feeling relief things were back to status quo.
Status quo. Isn't that a kicker. Is that what I want in a marriage. The average? Barely scraping by on loose treads of love?
Not really. I don't. Each time we said we were "done", I felt really good....strong...for a day. I accepted this was it this time. I was ready to be out on my own. The kids (three of them) would be fine. I would be great. All would be great without him. Then I would have a flash. A memory. See him. And nothing but hurt. Sadness. That inkling that, again, we would fall back together and be okay...for a while.
Help me please. Break this cycle of hurt. Can I find a real love? Is it even a real thing? WHat he had/has(??) with his OW...he said/says it is passion, feelings, emotional.
I caught his message to her on his semi secret text plus account:
"I know you are finished with me...but TTD and I had a real, no holds-barred talk about things and decided to end our marriage." There was another line, but I cannot recall it. I think I blocked it out from the shock that this had happened yet again. For some odd reason I truly believed we were actually PAST this...this time.
I discovered that text after H and I had been on a date night/. He got really drunk and spewed a LOT of "honesty"
and what I thought was his explaining why we kept working things out nad staying together. Somewhere I must ave lost track (and I wasn't drunk), because I have no recollection of the "no holds barred talk" we had. What does that mean, by the way? The only thing I recall is his saying, "Truth is, I will never stop desiring other women."
So, I don't know. He is buying an air mattress tonight so he can sleep at our recently (today) vacated rental to "work on it" he is telling the kids. For now.
OH! When I showed him that I saw the texts, the next morning, he apologized with a note that said, "Sorry I ruined our evening. I know I should never drink again."
I shrugged it off and told him it was too much for me.
The next day he told me he would move into the old rental so we could have some space. He said he wasn't talking divorce, just space, that it would maybe be good for both of us. I told him divorce was good for me.
Someone help me think this through, please. I am kind of unsure where to go from here. I hate the fact that he has tried to reconnect with her--I have no idea if she responded. As of Sunday, she had not. But, who knows...
WTF is wrong with me?
