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Back and completely at a loss. what the hell just happened?

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Trying_To_Decide posted 8/13/2013 21:28 PM

First off, I feel a little strange coming back here after what seems like a pretty long time. I feel bad that I am here because I need you, SI. I feel like that fool who, upon facing death, prays to the God that was otherwise all but forgotten.

First, I am sorry. To myself. For staying after so many discoveries. I am sorry that I did not have the guts to just end it way back when it first came to be. Why I kept staying, kept letting him come back...I just don't know. He would cry. Beg. Feel like e could be better. I would give in. At first be strong and put up a front, be aloof. Slowly that subsided to feeling relief things were back to status quo.

Status quo. Isn't that a kicker. Is that what I want in a marriage. The average? Barely scraping by on loose treads of love?

Not really. I don't. Each time we said we were "done", I felt really good....strong...for a day. I accepted this was it this time. I was ready to be out on my own. The kids (three of them) would be fine. I would be great. All would be great without him. Then I would have a flash. A memory. See him. And nothing but hurt. Sadness. That inkling that, again, we would fall back together and be okay...for a while.

Help me please. Break this cycle of hurt. Can I find a real love? Is it even a real thing? WHat he had/has(??) with his OW...he said/says it is passion, feelings, emotional.

I caught his message to her on his semi secret text plus account:
"I know you are finished with me...but TTD and I had a real, no holds-barred talk about things and decided to end our marriage." There was another line, but I cannot recall it. I think I blocked it out from the shock that this had happened yet again. For some odd reason I truly believed we were actually PAST this...this time.

I discovered that text after H and I had been on a date night/. He got really drunk and spewed a LOT of "honesty"
and what I thought was his explaining why we kept working things out nad staying together. Somewhere I must ave lost track (and I wasn't drunk), because I have no recollection of the "no holds barred talk" we had. What does that mean, by the way? The only thing I recall is his saying, "Truth is, I will never stop desiring other women."

So, I don't know. He is buying an air mattress tonight so he can sleep at our recently (today) vacated rental to "work on it" he is telling the kids. For now.

OH! When I showed him that I saw the texts, the next morning, he apologized with a note that said, "Sorry I ruined our evening. I know I should never drink again."

I shrugged it off and told him it was too much for me.

The next day he told me he would move into the old rental so we could have some space. He said he wasn't talking divorce, just space, that it would maybe be good for both of us. I told him divorce was good for me.

Someone help me think this through, please. I am kind of unsure where to go from here. I hate the fact that he has tried to reconnect with her--I have no idea if she responded. As of Sunday, she had not. But, who knows...

WTF is wrong with me?

phmh posted 8/13/2013 21:31 PM


Huge hugs to you. Are you in IC at all? I know that's what helped me to regain my self-respect so I could make the best decision for me.

You are strong and will get through this.

Trying_To_Decide posted 8/13/2013 21:39 PM

Thanks. I plan to jump head first into IC!

openedupmyeyes posted 8/13/2013 21:42 PM

Nothing is wrong with you. Its so simple. You love him. So does he. Not being flippant. You will put him first. He should do the same, but right now he loves himself more than he loves anything. Don't his actions reflect that? Believe him. I am so sorry. You are strong. Read the healing library. Post. What ever you decide. You, decide. Nothing is wrong with you. You see things just as they are. You are on point.

Trying_To_Decide posted 8/13/2013 21:51 PM

Yep. He is very selfish. Though he doesn't love himself like he should. He is overweight and self destructive.

heartache101 posted 8/13/2013 21:56 PM


I am so sorry. But you now know who he is. Time to accept that he has told you his true self.

You have done nothing wrong and you will be ok.

I am sooo sorry doll...
Get into counseling eat well drink fluids and love yourself.

Trying_To_Decide posted 8/13/2013 23:08 PM

That's the hardest part--knowing who he is.

I just walked into to our room to quite a scene. I had to run out so I could lock myself in the bathroom and cry. All three kids helping him pack--he's told them he is at the old house working on things that need to be fixed o be rented out again.

Oh my god, that was hard. I am trying to stop crying. I am. But, it hurts knowing full well that is probably the last time we will all be in the same room as a whole family. And they don't know that.

openedupmyeyes posted 8/14/2013 08:31 AM

What is he doing to heal himself, and your marriage? What is he doing to help heal the rift he caused?
Is he putting his wants before your needs? Hell... is he putting your wants ahead of his wants? Now, ask yourself. What are you doing? What are you teaching your kids? What is he teaching them?
I know 13 years is a long time to be with someone. I'm so sorry for your pain. Cry, girl. Get it out. Then wipe your face with a cool towel. And go out there and face it. You are strong. You deserve a mate who will love you as you love him.
You do.

[This message edited by openedupmyeyes at 8:36 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)]

nowiknow23 posted 8/14/2013 08:40 AM

Honey, I am so very sorry. There may not be a lot that is clear to you at this moment, but I hope you are seeing clearly that he is not a safe person to be in a relationship with right now. He is not someone you can trust. He is not honest with you, with OW, with the kids, or even with himself.

Sending you so much strength as you weather the storm of his moving out. It will pass. You and the kids will survive it. Until then, you know the drill - self care is paramount. Take care of YOU so you can be there for your kids.

Big hugs. (((((TTD)))))

noprincess posted 8/14/2013 08:55 AM


I'm so sorry for all that you are going through. I can truly relate because I myself have had multiple D Days and it leaves you beyond shattered.

Also, I have been in a situation where my H has left, come back, left again...its a nightmare. I say this gently, at this point you should contact a lawyer. If he's still in contact with the OW and is now packing his bags to move out (for space or whatever!), you must protect yourself and your children. I know I wish I had done this sooner.

Sending you strength and hugs. You will get to the other side, honey. We are here for you.

Runninggirl posted 8/14/2013 13:54 PM

Hugs. I had to come back too after a very long time.
Read your post a couple times.
'On paper' it all sounds so easy doesn't it.
I should have just left then or I jum
ped th
e gun on other things seems like our manta doesn't it.
I wish I has some brilliant words of
wisdom regarding finding yourself back here. I definifely don't because here I am too. Just wanted to say you are not alone.
Like you, so grateful SI was here
when I needed to return. I used to be one of those people years ago,
whenever I saw BS return I would think I would never allow myself to be in this position again. I
will never be one of those people.
Now if ONLY it was THAT easy, right

Trying_To_Decide posted 8/14/2013 14:04 PM

YES, exactly. It only gets harder with each time :(

After leaving last night for our old home, he returned this morning in tears because he was surrounded all night by our "good memories". I told him to give it time, it will be fine. Focus on getting things fixed...yadda yadda...again, WHY was I helping HIM???

Anyhow, I actually felt pretty good when I woke this morning. Calm and assured. It wasn't until he walked in upset that I started to feel anxious again. Damnit.

Trying_To_Decide posted 8/15/2013 21:23 PM

Okay. Two days into him being moved out, and it is a little bit harder. Not feeling as confident about this being a good decision. My finances are going to kill me :-(

LifeIsBroken posted 8/15/2013 23:19 PM

Sorry to know you had to return, TTD. I was given a one sentence "words of advice" 34 years ago by a very wise employer: "You cannot lose what you don't have." I wish I had listened more closely. What YOU DO HAVE in your ws and what YOU THINK YOU HAVE in your ws are two very different scenarios. Think about which one of those is your reality and know what you must do to for your own survival. If the "you do have" ws is tearing your heart out on a continual basis, the writing is on the wall and you must face dealing with the ws YOU DO HAVE. Because the 'think you have' spouse would be doing all the right things to put an end to the infidelity madness. Sending hugs....

Trying_To_Decide posted 8/16/2013 00:21 AM

Thank you, LifeIsBroken! That really makes sense to me. I decided tonight that I am ready to let go of the life I thought I should have all planned so I can have the life that is waiting for me.

Trying_To_Decide posted 8/16/2013 09:52 AM

A little help?

So, the last two mornings (prior to today), he showed up, had coffee, saw the kids and then was off to work. No bug deal, didn't mind so much.

Last night was the first night he did not come by to see kids, and again this morning. This is fine, but I don't like answering the kids' questions about when he is coming home, etc. So I just send him an email asking for a schedule. This sucks.

But, I am hanging in.

OnAnIsland posted 8/16/2013 10:07 AM

I read this post and your profile. There is a consistency throughout your whole experience of infidelity. There is a cycle but within that a consistency. He keeps showing you who he is. Believe him.

Be strong. Be true to yourself and your kids. Thinking of you.

Trying_To_Decide posted 8/16/2013 10:11 AM

I know. I do. It is hard to actually take the leap...away form him. But, I am taking it little by little. Most afraid of the finances at this moment. The kids seem okay, since they think he is living in our old house to "fix it up" to rent it again...*sigh*

PrincessPeach06 posted 8/16/2013 10:26 AM


I don't know if I can post a link here. I saw this this morning and it got to me - applies so much to so many of us.

openedupmyeyes posted 8/16/2013 10:54 AM

Hugs and strength to you.

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