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Newest Member: infiniti (61794)

User Topic: Feels like day 1 again
♀ 40150
Member # 40150
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need advice. I'm only 3 months out from dday 1 - first confrontation with my WH and when the TT started. I threw him out and have not let him move back in. I have let him stay here and there on good days and to spend time with the kids. After a couple of good days, I always have a terrible horrible miserable day (or 2.) It feels like day 1 all over again. The nice new memories of the good days gets pushed so far back. I look at photos and read old emails to torture myself. Why do I do this? How can I stop? WH has been a model husband and has done everything I asked and more. Why am I sabotaging it? Or am I just protecting myself? Will it ever end? I get so angry and then I verbally attack with the questions and start name calling. I am so very pissed off. How could he do this to us?

Him WH
2 kids elementary school age
Married 12 years
05/20/13 I confront and TT begins
07/01/13 The whole truth. Admits to EA/PA

Posts: 89 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand. I feel the same way, and I do the same thing as you. I'll have a couple of good days where I start to think everything will work out. And then I'll be alone one day, and start reading old emails, and I just get unbelievably angry. I'll fuss at him, or cry all day. It makes the good days disappear, and we focus on the fighting.

I think it's normal at this stage of things, and I hope it gets better.

Posts: 1758 | Registered: Jul 2013
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What you are going through is completely normal. That is why they call it a roller coaster. It does get better. The extremes get a little less, more like a kiddie coaster. I asked myself all the same questions.

BS 42
fWS 38 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2859 | Registered: Aug 2012
♂ 38230
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, heres the deal. You'll have 4 or 5 bad days then 1 good one. As time goes by the ratio lessens. 2 to 1, 1 to 1. It eventually turns the other way. 2 good days to 1 bad. And gets better from there.

I'm 11 months out and we're at about 10 to 1.

It sounds like a long road. And it is. But stick to it. Its worth it.

Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 248 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
♀ 40128
Member # 40128
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're not sabotaging anything - HE sabotaged your marriage and you're just trying to clean up the mess! No matter how good the times can be now, NOTHING can change the fact that your vows have been violated and heart shattered.

I find myself opening up his phone records all the time, and it's like suicide. I don't know why I do it; I should delete them forever. But anger is safe. And I know that for me, when things are good between us, I'm not letting myself completely embrace it because it makes me feel vulnerable. I don't trust the "good" anymore because I don't even know if it's real!

I hate saying it because I remember hating when people said this to me, but it is still SO early. Don't be hard on yourself. Don't worry about attacking him right now and needing to feel the anger. Your anger is righteous indignation. It's a natural response to being hurt. You need to feel the anger or you won't heal. Scream if you have to! He needs to know how badly you've hurt him!

Me: BW
Him: WH
Married 13 years at time of D-Day, 2 small children
D-day 1: 8/16/12 (told it was EA only)
D-day 2: 9/22/12 (the OW confessed to the truth and exposed the PA)
12 month affair, 10 months PA
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 40161
Member # 40161
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was doing the same thing with text logs and emails. Looking at them would reopen wounds but I couldn't help myself. One thing I did recently was print them out. 50 pages from just one month. Watching them spill out of the printer was like watching my marraige break apart. But then I burned them all. It was very cathartic. Watching them burn seems to have broken that compulsion.

Now if I could just break my need to look at OW's Pinterest and Facebook pages maybe I could start moving on.

Me: BW - 46
Him: WH - 49
MOW: my BFF from college and good friend for 25 yrs
Married 14 years, 2 Tweens
DD: 5/20/13 2 year long EA/PAs (one 7 yrs ago and one this past year)
Status: day by day, in MC, working on R

Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: roses303
♀ 33867
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 1:41 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yakamishi is absolutely right.

For me the roller coaster of emotions lasted for 2 years...after that I had very few bad days. The bad days are not even that bad now, it is more like a bad 5-10 minutes.

I started to write down when I had a bad day. This helped me to see that they were become less frequent, it gave me hope.

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 1:42 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)]

ME: 57 BS
HIM: 64 WH
Married: 32 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 6 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

Posts: 2441 | Registered: Nov 2011
Topic Posts: 7

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