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Can't believe he has done this

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Strugglestreet posted 8/14/2013 00:48 AM

I am new here and this is my first post. Dday was a little over 3 months ago now, but some days it feels like it was just yesterday.

WH had a 2 month affair with a co worker from another office. They met at the usual company friday night drinks. WH has been working away from home for over 12 months now, and was drinking heavily to combat the lonliness and depression he was suffering (none of which he told me about). Now when I think back I can see that his depression started even before he started working away.

Anyhow, the skank started texting and calling him, they mainly talked about work, sports (one of his and her interests) and drinking (she is a heavy drinker also!!) She asked him to walk her drunk ass home one night where she kissed him and asked him in. This became a friday night drunken ritual for 5 weeks, until WH woke up to himself and told her to fuck off. Of course she didn't and continued to pursue him with texts and calls for a while before she finally got the message.

WH has been extremely remorseful, we have both been in IC and MC and he has not touched a drop of alcohol since dday. He has been doing all the right things, given me total transparency, been honest and open, written me poetry and admitted to how much he took me and the kids for granted. He has put all promises he has made into actions and has made some really positive changes in himself over the last 3 months.

My problem is that I don't feel like I will ever get past what he has done
I know he never loved her, but he still used her to boost his ego and make him feel good about himself, instead of opening up to me. He has alot of FOO issues as well, and has never felt loved or wanted by his family (this shows very much in their actions), but NOTHING will ever be a good enough reason for me to move past what he has done. He takes 100% of the blame for his 'terrible choice', and does not blame me at all or make excuses for what he has done, but I still can't see myself ever being able to move on. Does time really heal the pain, or am I just setting myself up for a lifetime of misery if I commit to recovery? I love my husband, and I know he is crazy about me but is this enough for a marriage to survive such betrayal. This is a very exhausting process

momentintime posted 8/14/2013 01:08 AM

If you are both committed to R, then time can indeed heal your wounds. But it does take TIME. You are still relatively new to this and I am sure it feels like the pain will never end. It doesn't go completely away, you will always remember, but it lessens and you can get on with building a new M. In some ways a much stronger M. You both just have to be willing.

However, for some, it is a dealbreaker. Only you know what is right for you. Remember, you don't get over it, you go through it to the other side, whichever way you decided to go R or D. You will still have to deal with all of it.

kurt203 posted 8/14/2013 02:10 AM

strugglestreet yes you can heal. it will all take time.

nekorb posted 8/14/2013 06:41 AM

I'm new also so I don't have any advice, really, but I feel your pain.


dontknowwhyme posted 8/14/2013 09:02 AM

You can recover if that is what you wish to do. Not everyone can get through it. For some it is a dealbreaker. You are very early on in a long painful process.

If you want to survive this you certainly can. You have a better chance than many here because of the effort from your WH.

I felt much the same way early on. Prior to DDay I always considered having an affair to be a dealbreaker. After I found out I was willing to try. Things got better a little at a time. There were plenty of times I would be taken back to day one because of a trigger or something but eventually it was not on my mind on a constant basis.

You will get there. Some recover from this and actually have a better marriage afterwards. It can happen.

Jewlz posted 8/14/2013 09:17 AM

Your story sounds very similar to mine. I am also having the same feelings. My WH is just starting to really get it and showing he is sorry. He seems to be coming out of his fog but now neither one of us are sure we can survive it. We had a conversation just last night how we both feel like it would almost be easier to start over with someone else.

I know how it feels to not feel like you will ever get over it and like posters are saying, we may not. Right now, I am just trying to have faith that things will get easier and better. I don't feel it yet, but just hoping it comes is all I can do. I want to be able to love him and respect him, appreciate him, all those things again, but it's just not there right now. BUT, I keep remembering that it is normal. They betrayed us in the worst possible way, it is definitely going to take a lot of time to regain ALL of it.

Hang in there and give it time.

NeverAgain2013 posted 8/14/2013 09:37 AM

Strugglestreet, I'm so sorry you find yourself here and I hope you're able to find the strength you need to begin healing.

I would just be very, very wary of your husband's story as he tells the entire tale from a 'victim' point of view. A lot of cheaters do that, they play hapless victim and blame ALL the activity on the affair partner - claiming they were coerced into things or went along with a pushy/foreful/blackmailing/aggressive OW or OM, and 99% of the time, it's simply to minimize their story to make it more acceptable to you. Mine tried that too and I believed him in the beginning, but as time went on, it was pretty clear he had his own hand in the pot, as well.

I just think if they’re not going to be honest about what really happened, reconciliation just becomes that much harder to accomplish.

Good luck to you.

Strugglestreet posted 8/14/2013 10:00 AM

Thanks for all of your replies.

WH is 100% committed to recovery, but I just feel like I am not as committed to it. I guess I am protecting myself from more hurt.
NA2013 - He has admitted to being a willing part in the texting and phone calls, and on one occasion he was the instigator of the meet up on the friday night. He is definately not the victim, but was a willing party unfortunately

I am just taking it day by day, whatever the wheel of emotion lands on when I wake up, is usually a good indication of what sort of day I will really is a roller coaster!!

Painfuljourney posted 8/14/2013 10:14 AM

It's a roller coaster ride. I'm only 6 weeks past D day, it was the most traumatic day of my life and I'm still reeling from it. I've had some good days and some horrible days. My marriage is too important for me to walk away and damn it I love him. I see why he strayed. We both made mistakes, our marriage was disconnected for many years. I don't condone the straying and it hurts like hell, but I know why he did it.

What helps is just keep on talking, if you feel like you need to ask the dirty details, do it. Tell him how important it is for him to ride out your moods and weather the storms and be totally honest. TT (trickle truth) will only make things worse.

Read books. So many good ones. So far my favorites are "The Five Love Languages" His Needs, Her Needs". We read a chapter a night and discuss. From them we have learned many needs we have not met for each other. I ordered, "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair", as recommended from here by many. I also am reading "After the Affair". So knowledge is power, read them together.

Also we are reading sex books, that was one of my needs was more sex ironically. I want to be more adventuress. So we are experimenting and having lots of fun with that. We visited an adult novelty store and picked up a few things, it was fun and we've found some great tools. lol Also, we agreed not to masturbate in secret. He was doing that behind my back instead of having sex with me and I was too. Now we do it in front of each other or tell each other when we do it. TMI I know.

I know I will always have shock at what he has done. He's in shock at what he has done. I will never be able to forget, but I'm hoping in time I will be able to not feel so much pain when I visualize him kissing another, fucking another, sleeping with another and talking intimately EA with another for several months. It was 4 years ago and it ended without me ever knowing. But it's like yesterday for me since I just found out. I have so much anger towards OW. It's insane. But so does he. He hates her too because of her role in it all.

I wrote to letters to OW and sent them, it was therapeutic. She's no longer a threat but I just wanted her to know I knew and she can't just live her life without no consequences. I called her a fool and a homewrecker, ugly, whatever made me feel better. I told her how I felt. I told her my WH said the sex sucked for the most part. He was disillusioned by it and described why. I was one that needed full detail so I was able to say what he didn't like about her. It just felt good to tell her that. I just wanted to creep her out a bit. I hope I succeeded. I was mean, but I don't give a shit. She's the OW, the worst kind of trash imaginable.

[This message edited by Painfuljourney at 10:15 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)]

Painfuljourney posted 8/14/2013 10:14 AM

6 weeks, not months past D day.

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