Yesterday I realised that I had forgotten to take my medication for two days and I felt really anxious, angry and on edge. What worries me is that one part of me feels that I need to take these to be able to function as I have two small children and my DD is only 16 months old and very hard work. Yet, part of me thinks I should stop taking them as surely these feelings need to come out and be dealt with? I feel that it is only going to take longer to heal but I have to be in a place where I can function properly as a single mother.
I was feeling really low the last two days, partly because my two children and I are visiting my brother in Scotland and before we visited him as a family unit. It is also my DD's first trip here so it makes me feel sad that she is never going to experience having her mummy and daddy together on a family holiday like my son has experienced.
But, it does make me angry as I still feel like I am constantly battling each day for survival and ex doesn't give a shit that I am having to take AD's to cope and is happily moving on without a care in the world.
Yet, part of me thinks I should stop taking them as surely these feelings need to come out and be dealt with? I feel that it is only going to take longer to heal but I have to be in a place where I can function properly as a single mother.
in my own eyes I couldn't seem to move past the sadness/crying stage for weeks. I would be crying throughout the day at the drop of a hat; not just a few tears but great big huge gulping-for-air sobs that brought me to the floor at times.
I wondered what the hell was wrong with me. IC kept explaining it was part of the grief stage and was completely okay.
After several weeks he said that if I wanted to seek ADs, he would understand my need to do that but that I might be better off continuing through the grief process...truly feeling my feelings and letting it all out.
Well, I went to doctor, got the RX filled and thought to myself "here's the magic pill" that will help me. I had never taken AD before but I took them for 4 days.
I stopped for a few reasons: 1. a few side-effects kicked in immediately (couldn't sleep, shaking, increased heart rate). 2. ICs words kept replaying in my head..."feel your feelings" 3. I can now admit to being co-dependent. I started going to CODA meetings. My current situation dredged up really repressed memories and feelings from my fathers affair 28 years ago and what I had experienced back then. 4.I didn't want everything - current and past - to get "masked" by taking AD. I recognized I need to truly face it, feel it, deal with everything. 5. all that I read and all that I was told indicated I'd eventually move through the extreme grief stage.
everyone is different and taking AD is an extremely personal choice for doing what is best for you. I don't hold it against anyone who takes them because I do believe they are definitely necessary and valuable.
But for me I realized I needed to truly feel what I was feeling. I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I was just going to break if I did. And it is a mixture of suppressed shit from many, many years ago with my parents plus also dealing with current situation. It's overwhelming.
But I am at least FEELING. And once I started doing that, I'm actually making progress on improving myself. It was a major breakthrough for me. Even my IC was pretty impressed with my recent appearance/attitude and for the first time ever I didn't reach for his tissues during my most recent session...no tears!
I wish you peace. trust yourself that you will make the best decision for yourself based on where you are with your personal-discovery
Maybe the anxiety you experienced was a withdrawl from the Prozac? I am on Zyban, and I feel like I am still fully feeling all of my emotions - I just have control of myself usually. Not always. I still cry, feel anxious, get angry... all of it. But I don't feel despair all the time, and I don't feel like killing myself, and I have clarity in my thinking. I am not worried that I am stuffing any feelings down... but I can control when and where I start screaming and pounding my fists at the sky.
If you don't feel like you're able to feel your feelings, maybe you could try a different AD? You should be able to feel... I agree, you can't heal if you can't deal with it head on.
