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Joanh posted 8/14/2013 05:16 AM

I'm so trying not to go there. Its not working. Been a long night my H triggered early in the night by my stupidity on having a conversation of a situation I found horrible. He saw me as a total hypocrite which I am. I just thought the situation was uncalled for. That lead to the discussion of what I did was so horrible and how can I judge anyone when I was running around like a whore, and it went from there. I know he believes in family and that is the main glue at this point. I know he loves me and he has hope for us, at the same time he is stuck, I know we are such a short time out. I also know nothing I say will ever explain my decisions some of which I can't believe my selfishness and my immaturity. I had the opportunity to be done with the affair before I was caught, basically with no consequence from my BH. He said not to talk to the AP. The AP had tried to mark his territory at my BH bday party and my H called me on it the next day. I acted like a child and continued to see him for I think it was 2 or 3 weeks during this time I knew I was done. It all changed for me with the AP, I was done. Why didnt I quit. I know it felt better if that makes sense I felt so guilty when I was at home. It was like a reprieve from what I have done where I was. Why Why Why did I have to screw up not only my life but my Husbands too. Been listening to audio Just not friends and see how many boundaries I lack. The niavity that people don't purposely hurt others or set out or systematically plan too. He is in so much pain and anger. He regrets me he believes he chose the wrong person. When I say sorry to him he says he has no response. He has nothing to say doesn't know what to say.
I have found so many things that I have done could have been done differently and all because I was weak and have useless skills. I am working very hard to recognize them and figure out where they come from. It just feels so fruitless. I know its too soon to even expect my BH to feel any happiness. And I know I can't give that to him, but I sure wish I could.
Sometimes too when we talk about the loss of income I can feel some old resentment creep in. We loss 3 months of incomes because my BH couldn't work He works away from home and he couldn't leave. And he blames it all on me, and it is. What keeps creeping into me is all the years I would complain about his not working for months due to spring breakup or the business taking all the money and thinking, really. And you told me not to worry about it. And we are actually in better situation than we were before. Because we had to live so cheap this winter. Its so confusing. I know I shouldn't be feeling that way but I do.
WE talked about sex and the AP and how grossed out and discussed he is and thats when I started to loose my ability to listen. I broke down. The picture I had in my head and I want it gone. I tears me apart that man has any idea what I look like. I want to crawl out of my skin. Either of the two AP. This one #2 just makes me crawl. It might be casue its more here in the now. Not sure. THe other one feels like a different life. I feel like I had two lives with my H after my son was born and before. I don't maybe I am feeling so like this is never going to work. He will never be able to live with me maybe I am holding on to the past maybe I am hoping for my than I deserve the right to hope for. If I am going to be true to myself and love myself I want someone in my life that can appreciate me, not be embarassed of me, disgusted by me. find me worthless. I know he doesn't like to say these things. WHen does a person start working on the rest. Not just the A . When does the M come first. And I know, why didn't it for me . I know!!!! I'm pushing for answers again I Know. I feel frustrated and so sad all I seem to say is I know what I should.... and I am sorry........
How does a person keep moving forward when the other is stuck. and won't use any help except for his own head! I am not giving up! I just feel like at this very moment just so tired:-( And so want to smile with out feeling bad for it.

authenticnow posted 8/14/2013 06:02 AM


I don't really have any words except for, this is a process and you are at the beginning of it. It's exhausting, I know.

It will get better.

Joanh posted 8/14/2013 13:03 PM

I know its a long term process, its been a long term process for me to be what I have been. I saw a posting on accepting for myself that what I have done is horrible and repulsive though it does not mean that I am a horrible person nor am I repulsive. I spent the morning talking to my girlfriend and she stated this as well. Its just very hard to seperate the two. The thing is I have spent so much of my life feeling worthless, phony and unknown that I have only strengthened that negative thought , and when my H tells me the same thing, and its only the negative I hear or being told I cuts deeper. Its hard not to shut down to put my wall back up to protect myself. Which was alot of the problem before each A. Im not sure how healthy it is for me to stay in a place to grow and be better. I know I my H has been hurt worse, and that in moment of time, he probably feels worse that I do with a life time of feeling this way. Please don't get me wrong. When I know he's looking at me and feeling that way it's really hard to think I am not that person and can only be that person.
Sorry Thank you for this place to talk.

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