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Newest Member: YoungNInLove (61865)

User Topic: Self-betrayal
♀ 37362
Member # 37362
Default  Posted: 5:55 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do I come in temrs with it? How do I move forward? Why was systematically working against my welfare? I just cant make any sense of it.

Some of the beliefs trashed by myself. Value system thrown away. Some broken promises which cant ever be recovered. How do I deal with the anguish at myself?

WW: 28 (ME)
BH: 28 (SI profile: CrappyLife)
D-Day- 15/10/12

Posts: 334 | Registered: Nov 2012
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some of the beliefs trashed by myself. Value system thrown away. Some broken promises which cant ever be recovered.
I understand. That person feels like a stranger to me.

But someone posted once (I think it was Floridaredman) that that was, in fact, you, not a was you.

So, I acknowledged that I was capable of such behaviors, and owned it, and decided to work on that person I allowed myself to be, and promise myself that I wouldn't behave that way again.

I decided to always act like someone I could be proud of and work on myself.

I had to let go of the anguish of being that person and not let it have power over me. I need to focus on the positive and put my energy there.

DS, you are forever in my heart. Thank you for sharing your beautiful spirit with me. I will always try to live by the example you have set. I love you and miss you every day and am sorry you had to go so soon, it just doesn't seem fair.

Posts: 55131 | Registered: Sep 2007
♀ 36684
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^ This!

FWS me 38 (recovering addict)
BS him 41 AFrayedKnot
Together 10 years
2 children

"Your secrets keep you sick"

Posts: 1168 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
♀ 36717
Member # 36717
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree EF ... your biggest barrier seems to be that you can't accept what you've done which is probably not letting you - or your BH - heal ... as long as you are in denial that you were capable of what you actually DID do, it will impede the recovery process ...

Posts: 13 | Registered: Sep 2012
♀ 37781
Member # 37781
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At EF....I agree with authentic was me who did those things...not a stranger. As a WS, it's important for yourself and your BS to recognize that even though you (the WS) may have done a lot of good in your life, that doesn't extinguish or erase the infidelity and pain you caused. They are separate issues. A WS MUST own what he/she did, and make a commitment to him/herself to be live be transparent ...and to work on getting to the core of what allowed him/herself to make such destructive choices.

Also, this all takes time and each person is on a different healing timeline. Everyday for a BS and a WS is a struggle dealing with the scars that were created by the WS's actions. Like authenticnow said, focus on the positive. You can still focus on the positive in your life and relationship and work on yourself at the same time. Each day I have numerous feelings about myself ...mainly negative ones ...questioning myself, hating myself, feeling ashamed, being angry at myself and all the pain I have caused..the list goes on, but in the midst of that I try to see whatever is positive in my life as well as in myself. Working on you and healing doesn't mean that you forget or rug sweep the pain you have caused to others. It's quite the opposite. Working on you and healing helps you own your actions and be accountable for them, and it allows you to share the pain of your BS. I do believe that people can truly change if they are genuine about the change taking place. And I agree with stillaround, you have to accept what you did to allow healing to take place for you and you BS. Having said all of that, it's a difficult journey.

D-Day 7/6/12 - My A was discovered that day; he confessed of his A's the day after
HIM: WS/BS (Cantgetworse11)
US: Madhatters
Together 20 yrs, 2 children, and trying....

Posts: 62 | Registered: Dec 2012
♀ 32753
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Each time that pain comes up of knowing who you were and what you did - sit with it for a moment. Acceptance is powerful. Yes, it hurts. But once you accept it, you can embrace the positive changes you're making as genuine as well. You can know and see that you're changing and becoming a different person. But part of it is accepting who you were. Sitting with the pain. It will get easier. Don't give up.

Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 4243 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Topic Posts: 6

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