It has been 3.5 years since DDay, and a long road. Last night at MC my BH said this.
I (about himself) AM MUCH STRONGER THEN I WAS THREE YEARS AGO. I WASN'T STRONG ENOUGH TO LEAVE THEN. NOW SOMETIMES I HAVE SO MANY REASONS TO LEAVE, BUT I AM FINDING SO MANY MORE REASONS TO WANT TO STAY.
I just wanted to share, because it does happen in baby steps. As long as we are committed to healing the hurt we have put our BS through, and we CONSISTANTLY keep NC, transparency, honesty and remain trustworthy...then these small glimpses of light do come.
It is still a long road, and I know that by next week my BH will probably pull away again, but I will hold on to this moment to get me through to the next "moment".
[This message edited by RSEB at 7:01 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)]
Sorry, I wanted to post that even though I am a BS.
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
Yesterday afternoon we were having our cup of coffee after he got home from work, like we always do and he told me that he thinks he can forgive me. He knows I am a good person and no one else would take as good care of him as I do. I cannot put into words how ecstatic I am. I am almost afraid because I am afraid this isn't real and I am dreaming. My BH also told me that he knows he will have bad days in the future, but we will deal with it.
He also showed me a quote he found about love and this is how he thought of US so I thought I would share with SI
“Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don't blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being "in love", which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.”
I wish this for all of us remorseful WSs who now have realuzed the destruction our selfish broken choices have caused, that regret every minute of our affairs and want to put our BS's hearts back together one piece at a time, no matter how long it takes
The other night, I grabbed our kids and headed to a chain where you stand in line, get your food, and then sit. My wife was meeting us, and arrived later, after we were in line for about 10 minutes. We were still a few parties back from ordering when she showed up. Glancing back here and there, I saw her pop in. She came up to us, and I gave her a nice little cheek/ear kiss and then whispered something to her. She smiled, and with our hands we did a little finger squeeze to finish off our "hello". Later at the table with our food, my wife said the woman in the couple behind us/at our side (the line snakes back and forth) kind of gave her a combo sour/jealous look as she stood there with her smart phone viewing execu-husband and kids. That little moment, unplanned and which felt so good, is exactly what I had lost sight of when I...was so very lost.
Big and grand moments, and gestures, are mostly for movies and news feeds.
Our little gestures, many unspoken, are when we know the magic we found when we first met is still in play. It's been changed, challenged, temporarily lost (and worse...due to my selfish actions), but it never disappeared completely. And neither of us has ever said "it's no longer is enough to keep me here, with you".
We both feel our "us" is worth it, and together we're going to keep vigilant to never stray, for any reason, from that core belief. There's work involved, for us both, but for those little connected, "us only" moments which are so meaningful and powerful, as they say in poker "we're all in".
I will never give up on my wife. Never. I will love her forever....
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time
2. Continue working on yourself because IF your BW chooses to R in the M, it will only benefit you both, and if not, you will be a stronger and better man for your children.
3. Let go of the outcome, just live in the moment. If your A was indeed a deal breaker for your BW, there is nothing that can be done. That is her choice to make. You can only be there for her, be consistent, open and honest with her at all times about EVERYTHING...the rest is her decision.
I wish you well.
Hi, I just wanted to reach out to you because I could feel your pain in your post.
Is it that obvious? My life feels like it's falling apart all over again.
As for your advice.....
1 - My wife has already made it known how hard the day will be. I will def reach out to her but I can almost guarantee she wants to be left alone. I will try and respect what she needs on that day and every day.
2 - I've heard this advice but not the way you put it. I guess if I continue to hope and at the same time continue my IC and relationship with my children something positive will come out of it. I'm hoping it's both.
3 - Ever since "Partial" (A multi week program of intense therapy) that has been a message I try to keep. Live in the moment. I can't change the past but I can work for the future. I fully understand that at this point I cannot do anything to change the way she is feeling right now. She is angry and unhappy and the only thing that can change that is time and space. I get it. And I'm doing it.
Thank God for this site and people like yourself. I have heard so much advice from people that are happily married (Appreciated) but they don't have the slightest idea of how hard my pain and my wife's pain really is. They have no idea the emotional roller coaster we're both on and how we just wish it would stop and go away. This is by far the toughest point in my life. I appreciate your words and anyone else who chimes in. SI is certaintly helping me.
However, after 8 weeks of either no talking to me whatsoever or when she did speak anger beyond my wildest imagination and threats of the demise of our marriage, this morning I got the following text. "I can say...sometimes...although rarely...I want to love you like I used to." I had to leave my desk at work, the tears were flowing like a river.
TxsT- just wow. I aspire to be this kind of person. We don't love each other like this out loud...we are too stuck in our pride and ego..
RSEB: what a great thread and you are working so hard - hugs!
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”
When my husband was a boy he cut his leg on a fence. The scar is big and it's obvious the wound was ugly and deep.
One evening when we were lying in bed talking about recovering our marriage, I was crying and told him again how sorry I was for what I'd done. He took my hand, placed it over the scar and said, "This didn't hurt forever. We'll get through this."
We did get through it- and there will always be a scar, but it reminds me daily of what I almost threw away and how blessed I am to have a man who could see my pain in spite of his own.
It's been 10 years since the A. R is possible. Stay hopeful and DO THE WORK!
"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."