SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

In the middle of nasty divorce and custody battle . My stbxw cheated and divorced me with no remorse at all ( story under heading " no remorse at all" ) so my question is how do I stop or even if I can diminish the pain of just her site or voice? I can see her for a split second literally and it's like D day all over. Does she really have that much power over me? Dam sad part is she knows it and thrives on it! I don't show her the pain but when I pull away I go nuts and flood with emotions. Tell me this is normal and goes away soon. She has a dam boyfriend and is divorcing me she is trying to take all my money , my kids, and my manhood why the f--k do I still give a crap about her in anyway ? Sexually or emotionally? And why doesn't she care? I know I have to stop searching for why? I'm trying.

(((Thefly559)))

I'm so sorry for your pain. I don't know when your D Day was, but it sounds like you stbxw is your trigger right now. That's sounds pretty normal considering she nuked your life. The trauma of betrayal is so huge that many people develope PTSD or symptoms very similar. That could be what you are experiencing now.

Are you in IC for yourself? Have you seen your family doctor and discussed what's going on? Sometimes getting the right medication can help with the emotional tsunami and help you regain some mental/emotional stability.

Also, if you haven't already, check out the Divorced/Separating Forum. There are wonderful, supportive people there who have navigated these waters too. You are not alone.

Thefly - Your emotions and your connection to her aren't on a light switch. The circuits will atrophy and eventually fail, but it will take time AND distance to get there.

Time is time, not much you can do about that. Distance, however, is under your control. Go No Contact with her to the fullest extent possible. Not seeing her, not hearing her voice - every bit of distance helps.

Arrange hand offs with the kids to be in public and/or from a distance, or with a third party between you (such as school/day care or a trusted friend or relative).

Don't text, phone, or talk face to face with her. Period. Make all communications in writing (email) so you have time to process things before you respond and you also get a record of all that was agreed upon.

You can do this.

One other thing - I was helped tremendously in the early days by remembering that wasband was NOT the guy I fell in love with. He looked like him, talked like him, moved like him, etc., but it wasn't him.

Think pod people.
Think alien in a familiar meat suit.

And hang in there.

I don't show her the pain but when I pull away I go nuts and flood with emotions. Tell me this is normal and goes away soon.

The Fly,

I am so sorry, but know that you are not alone and it absolutely is NORMAL. I am ten months past D-day, divorcing, and detest her for what she has done. Yet like you, all I have to do is hear her voice or worse, see her, and there are are all the emotions, fresh and painful as hell.

It's just not reasonable to expect that feeling forged by years spent with someone will just click off. So, soon? Unfortunately no. Very very gradually--or so say all the people on SI who have gone through this and come out on the other side, emotionally healthy and detached from their ex. They have been consistently right about everything. We must have faith that they are right about this--for both of us.

I don't know when the reactions will go away. I can tell you that for me the ache is not nearly as intense as the months go by.

And as everyone always says, keep NC as much as possible. It's really all you can do. Let time do its thing. And yes, always remember WHAT she did to you and your family. This will keep anger alive (healthy righteous anger) and nudge you through this excruciating ordeal.

Strength.

Emotional detachment will come. I'm about 3 years out from his last betrayal and I'm to the point where I don't want to kick him in jimmies or puke every time I see him. He's just this guy that comes to pick up my kids a couple weekends a month. In all honesty, I have more rapport with the UPS guy, than my x. But I'm not gonna lie and tell you it was instant. It took a while. Every one heals on their own timeline, but it's often quoted here that it can take 2-5 years.

What I struggle with now is accepting that this is indeed my life and that all the dreams we shared and built over 21 years are gone.

Hang in there, Fly.

My friend, brother in arms, know that my voice is yours, my peace, my happiness, my subdued sadness, it's all so you can see your way through these outrageously painful thickets preventing your escape.

Take from me, that freedom from your pain is in your mind. Let go of everything and take care of only your needs. Focus only on you and any small challenge you accomplish for yourself.

Let it out, let it go. Your ocean tide is swiftly pulling you out to sea, don't try and stand your ground. Give in to your fears, all of them. Even if you fall you won't fall through. There is love all around you, catered just to your current needs. You must let go of everything to see what the tide brings in for you. Please remember, you're my friend, you're everyone's friend, everybody could love you if you let them.

As the other posters have said time and NC will eventually get you to the place of indifference. Do not let your mind dewell on what you lost, but what you will gain.

I spent over 20yrs with XWH#1. We had dreams and I thought we would be together forever. It didn't happen. It took a while for me to accept that. Only when I went totally NC with him did I start to see that I could build a new happy life without him. It made me see him for what he had always been instead of who I thought he always was. Now when I see him or talk to him on the phone about the kids (not very often since they are now grown) I feel nothing other than a little pity that he threw it all away for his own selfish needs. You will eventually get there too, once you just let it go and move on with your life. (((HUGS)))

I had to move out-of-state. The pain continued but seemed to lessen somewhat as I put time and distance between me and XWW. As it turned out, I had to return to "our" town briefly on business a few months later. As I got closer, my discomfort grew and grew until it was every bit as strong as day 1 even though I never saw her. But as I drove away, it began to diminish again. I know that sounds silly and simplistic, but it was like "Lord of the Rings" and I just had to get physically away from her evil.