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Dating OW's husband

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lost4now posted 8/14/2013 09:16 AM

I phoned my STBXH OW's spouse to inform him of the 5 year affair last August. After 5 ddays with my STBXH I pulled the plug on the 22 year marriage. OW's husband and I spoke occasionally on the phone to compare some notes. His STBXW left him two years prior and had continued with my H and apparently at least one other man that he knows of. He knew of the affair two years prior to my phonecall but like me, was hoping for R so he did not contact me. Obviously, looking back with both should have made that call!

We became friends and shared stories and our lives with each other by telephone. He lives 5 hours away. After roughly 8 months of phone conversations he asked if he could meet me for drinks or dinner. I agreed to drinks and scheduled an hour and a half of time for this. I just didn't know how it would go and I wanted to limit it. It turns out that we really enjoy each other and we get along so well. He is very nice and makes me laugh. ALOT! (side STBXH found out about our impending meet up and he followed me and took pictures and told my youngest daughter!). Ughhh! We have gone on several dates since this and I really like this man.

Anyway.....I know the circumstances are strange but I can't think of one reason why I shouldn't continue this except for the fact that it's a bit weird. I'm enjoying myself and it's probably good at this point that it is a LDR.

What do you say?? Is this just totally crazy??

gonogo1 posted 8/14/2013 09:34 AM

Shania Twain married OW husband and she seems to be a grounded real person from her interviews .

homewrecked2011 posted 8/14/2013 09:38 AM

Cheers! Enjoy your life!

If you two have lots to talk about besides the A then this might just be awesome!

nowiknow23 posted 8/14/2013 09:38 AM

Hmm. I don't know that I could do it. For me, the A and the exes would be along for the ride on every date.

More power to you if that's not the case for either of you.

Dark Inertia posted 8/14/2013 09:48 AM

There is a poster here (can't remember his name) who ended up dating and marrying his OM's ex wife. Their spouses had met at a BDSM site, had an affair, and eventually were married as well. The WS' had a collaring ceremony. The WS', though, were killed in a car accident, the poster still happily married.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 9:49 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)]

NewMom0220 posted 8/14/2013 09:55 AM

It worked for Shania Twain! I say do what makes you happy. :)

Brandon808 posted 8/14/2013 10:05 AM

One question to ask yourself privately. Is the way we met just the way we met or is it how we bond?
If it's just how you met then I see no reason you shouldn't pursue it. After all it's actually taking a positive out of a horribly negative situation.
So make some lemonade out of those lemons...then add a shot of vodka to it.

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 8:15 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)]

PurpleRose posted 8/14/2013 10:23 AM

I don't find it strange at all. I have become very close to the OWs ex as well. I'll just leave it at that.

Do what you want. It's YOuR life and you get to make the decisions. If it makes you happy to be with this man, then go for it.

Crescita posted 8/14/2013 10:47 AM

side STBXH found out about our impending meet up and he followed me and took pictures

How did STBXH find out about it? If he has been stalking you, you will probably have issues regardless of who you choose to date, but if he was tipped off, you should be cautious that the BH doesn't have some revenge motivation for seeing you.

lost4now posted 8/14/2013 11:07 AM

This man and I have had MANY conversations as to whether our seeing each other is for any reason other than our mutual like of each other. He is genuine in his feelings for me and I for him. I am not trying to hurt my spouse. In fact, I have not introduced this man to anyone in my social circles or to my family as of yet. I am still a married woman and I don't feel it's right. He assures me he has no vendetta against my STBXH and is not trying to get back at him for sleeping with his wife. We are happy to be moving on with our lives. We both stayed in our marriages until we had done everything in our power to fix them. I remained faithful to my husband and him to his wife.

In the beginning we talked alot about our soon to be ex's but now the details are exhausted and we simply enjoy each other's company. Occasionally, we will say something funny about it but we don't dwell on the past.

The only reason my STBXH knew I was meeting up with him was because his AP hacked into her spouses email and read the hotel reservation he had to make because he lives out of town. She let my H know of it and he followed me!!! What a loser!!!!!

StrongerOne posted 8/14/2013 11:08 AM

What Brandon88 said. That would be worth figuring out. (t/j Brandon88, you always have such thoughtful advice!)

I had a college teacher who married his WW's OM's BW Anyway, they were married for decades, had a wonderful marriage, ended only when my teacher passed. It could be the same for you.

katiesmom posted 8/14/2013 12:51 PM

Lost4now, I contacted the recently divorced ex of the OW, just like you did. I wanted to know if he knew that my soon to be ex husband and his ex were an item. I suggested we meet so that I could show him the phone records. I had no intentions of pursuing anything romantic at all.

He wrote me back that he didn't think it was a good idea, but contacted me a few days later saying that maybe we should meet. I have no idea what caused this change of heart at the time, but I am pretty sure his ex wife and my ex were in on it. My ex told me at the time that he knew about it and told me to have fun, in a very sarcastic manner. I should never have gone!

We met for dinner and drinks, and at the time, it seemed like we were getting along great. We stayed out for hours. We had so much in common and he made me laugh. I was under the impression we might see each other again. We hardly discussed our exes at all and were having a great time enjoying each other's company.

The next day, he called, and was very short and curt with me. He said things like he wasn't ready for a relationship with anybody and that I was just using him to get back at my ex. Then he said, "Good luck" and hung up.

I was totally confused and hurt. I think he still had feelings for his ex and was also pretty messed up from the divorce. And he apparently reported back to his ex everything that happened and everything that was said. It was more than I could handle. I was hurt, yet again. My ex had left two months before and now this.

From what I understand, this man has not dated anyone since his divorce over three years ago and hangs out in the company of my ex and the OW (who married shortly after our divorce). Sounds to me like he is still holding out hope that OW may come back to him. I don't think he will ever move on!

It sounds like things have a chance of working out with you and this guy, and that's great. But, from my experience, I would still be very careful and take things one day at a time. Who knows? This may be the perfect guy for you!

wildbananas posted 8/14/2013 12:57 PM

I have a friend who recently got engaged to her XH's OW's XH. They are really suited to each other and it's worked out well for them.

I would just ask yourself this:

Is the way we met just the way we met or is it how we bond?

Like the Empress, I don't know that I could do it. But if it doesn't bother you and if it's just how you met, why not give it a shot? You never know.

Bloomsday posted 8/14/2013 14:05 PM

I have heard about this happening a number of times. There are probably a lot of reasons. In some cases it led to a serious LT relationship. In a few cases I think it was revenge sex or mutual blowing off steam, which is not a bad thing so long as both parties understand that going in.

mof2 posted 8/14/2013 15:06 PM

lost4now...I have also met the OW's spouse and spent quality time. He is actually coming to visit Labor Day weekend. I say do what makes you happy. Your husband and she did this to you and him. You would have never met had they not done what they did. Enjoy!

Griefstricken25 posted 8/14/2013 20:35 PM

My first thought was at least wait until you're both divorced and free and clear. To me, that's always the #1 priority before dating someone, but YMMV.

That aside, if it works for the both of you, go for it. I don't think *I ever could do something like that simply because the mere thought that this man slept with that awful skank would be hard to get out of my head. That's just me, though.

lost4now posted 8/15/2013 09:26 AM

I initially thought that my seeing this man was just too weird and could end badly. I suppose that is still a real possibility. I never really thought that this was going to go in this direction. I knew I liked talking to him over the telephone. I was unsure if there would be a physical attraction until I met him.

I think about dating in the future and putting myself out there on the dating sites and meeting many men blindly and THAT scares the crap out of me. And now that I have met this man whom I spoke to for many months before agreeing to see him, realizing that I like him, I just don't know why I would put myself out there to possibly meet a few creeps! KWIM??

ladies_first posted 8/15/2013 10:03 AM

lost4now, have you dated any other men since your divorce?

lost4now posted 8/15/2013 10:37 AM

ladiesfirst.....I have not dated anyone yet. In fact, until I met this guy I was not planning on dating for a while. It just sort of happened without trying.

I have spent the last five years in false R with my high school sweetheart. Our relationship erroded over those five years to a point where I never quite felt the same from dday #1. Each and every dday resulted in more distance and less love. I really tried. He really did not. I have spent two years in therapy. I have examined just about every aspect of my life and marriage to the point of exhaustion. In fact, after meeting OW BH, I called my therapist so I could get an outside opinion on this. I was concerned about starting anything with him and hurting myself, him or our collective children.

I have essentially NOT been in a relationship with a man for many years given how many years of false R I have experienced. I never really reconnected with my STBXH. I never trusted him again (and rightfully so apparently) enough to really LOVE him. I was waiting it out to see if he would "f" up yet again. He did not disappoint!

I don't know where this will lead. I am happy and smiling and laughing again. These are good things. He is too. He had been playing solitaire on the computer and wondering how he ended up alone. We weren't looking for one another.

We are staying in the background with our relationship at this point. We are just feeling things out and getting to know each other better. We are both going through our divorces and he respects how I feel about still being married. My children know now (thanks to STBXH) that I talk to OW BH and that I have gone on dates with him. I keep it at that. No introductions.

Obviously, I worry about this situation a little, hence my posting. I do see the concerns. However, if it weren't for how I know him, I would absolutely date him. see my dilema!

ladies_first posted 8/15/2013 13:05 PM

OW's husband and I spoke occasionally on the phone to compare some notes. His STBXW left him two years prior and had continued with my H

So you are currently married.
Is he still married, too?

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