An affair isn't about what the WS wasn't getting; it is about what they weren't giving.
This line was within another members post within a very lengthy thread...almost as a very small side path from the main thread it was buried in.
Seems like it is worth its own thread.
As we go through counseling we are really seeing our relationship in a new way...maybe a more realistic way.
My wife was,is very much the "static" one in our relationship...I am the "gatherer"...hope that analogy makes sense....it worked okay for us. I liked bringing emotion and energy to our relationship...my wife liked to remain comfortably within herself. The whole extrovert, introvert thing. This was healthy for a while, but became unhealthy and unbalanced...my interaction with my wife did two things. First, it allowed her to participate less...because of my desire to be a very active participant. Second, my desire to be an active participant bled into me becoming an OVERLY active participant, which turned my wife off....thus she started "giving" less and less.
This makes sense and is clear in a different light now...after my wifes decision to have an affair.
NOTE: Not taking any credit for my wife to take her "giving" to another mans bed...she had other choices, and chose what she chose.
Unfortunately, in some ways, this new found clarity has me thinking about our future together. I am really desiring to have a woman in my life that actively seeks ways to engage, support, and love me...and stay within the confines of our marriage when her mode is to do otherwise. Can we get back to a healthy balance? Million dollar question.
I had that with my wife somewhat pre-A...but since the affiar and specifically BECAUSE of the affair I feel so much less engaged by her...not sure how to get over that mindset.
Her activity level with her AP, her enthusiasm and energy (although unhealthy) towards that relationship, the intentionality of her actions during her affair has been missing from her towards me for years. It was there once...though she is not ready to admit that, but it was there to some level....she did leave notes for me, excited to see me, planning our many activities for us, jealous when I started dating another girl after she said she didn't want to date me, then was excited when I decided to date her instead of the otehr girl, etc..
At some point my wife chose to NOT give our relationship what she wanted from our relationship. Instead, she gave that to her AP...gave it quickly, freely, and without much hesitations.
Now...I see some regret in her...I think she is realizing all that she gave to her affair and all that she did NOT get from her affair (and what she did get was actually less then nothing)...and is starting to grasp what the real costs are. But I don't think she will fully get what she is risking or the real costs because she is not of the frame of mind that we ever had that which she "needs".
FOO issues are surprisingly strong within each of us. It is ironic on how FOO stand in our way of getting what we "need"...it is very much by our own accord that we don't achieve that which we desire. I am not just talking about my wife...I am looking right at myself too.
Currently, I am not able to occasionally walk my girls to and from school because my wifes AP parks between our house and the school. This desire is not getting met because of me, and me only. I simply can not control the pain of what he and my wife did...and it is my own limitations that prohibit me from achieving what I desire with regards to this one specific joy in life. The simplicity of this delima adds to my anger towards it, and towards myself.
I am NOT giving myself patience and understanding, so I am not getting patience and understanding.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:55 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)]