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Painfuljourney posted 8/14/2013 09:53 AM

Living in the now. If I do that and not let my mind wander to the should have, would have, could have. If I allow my mind to rest on positive thoughts...

So for this thread I would love to hear some positive thoughts about your reconciliation.

For us, we are talking more, touching more, more sex (fantastic sex), learning about our marriage through books together, crying together when one of us needs to, being happy despite reality, happiness is a choice. Being good parents together, supporting one another with our daily struggles. Massages, touch was sorely missed during our last 10 years of marriage, it was a need for both of us...

Realizing that just because this is hard doesn't make it impossible. We CAN get through this. We WILL get through this. We are worth it.

[This message edited by Painfuljourney at 10:32 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)]

OldCow18 posted 8/14/2013 10:02 AM

I'm no where near where you are, I'm in awe of how good you sound so soon after d-day. So, while my life is still circling the drain, there are fleeting moments when there is hope, not just to R, but to have a better relationship after. I thought we had it pretty damn good before, but perhaps we can take this to another level that I never even thought of. Maybe. Like I said, it's a fleeting thought.

TxsT posted 8/14/2013 10:14 AM


Love that you are returning to positive posts.

I too can wite down everything you did in your post. Talking, texting, touching, emotionally fulfilling intimacy, parenting, smiling, laughing. We too are supporting each other as we move through our individual hells and reading, sharing and iusing books have been a huge way of getting back to positive.

I think the best part of all of this is that I am slowly seeing the twinkle return to my husbands eyes when he looks at me. He has been so unhappy for so long and it brings me great pleasure to know that we have come this far.

The second best part is continuing to improve our communication skills together. We don't sound like a broken record anymore. Our conversations are thoughtful and well constructed. They don't blame or point fingers. Oh my god it is so good to know we can heal from something that tried very very hard to kill us!


[This message edited by TxsT at 10:15 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)]

Painfuljourney posted 8/14/2013 10:22 AM

TxT - Yes, I see the twinkle in his eye and his need for me to love him. He's very different, he's happy again. For so long he was an angry fucking asshole. When he came home I'd go to another area of the house, I just didn't like him for a long time. He had so much anger and even though it was for himself it was projected to me and the kids.

Don't get me wrong. Yesterday I was crying in his arms in agony. I was depressed all day thinking of his actions, the intimacy he had with another. He got his STD testing done yesterday, it triggered me bad.

But we cried in each others arms, we are worth working it out. I love him, he loves me. He fucked up royally. He knows I will trigger and be sad. He is sad because he has hurt me so much. He is sad because for him our marriage is forever contaminated for him too. But we can't dwell there too long. We cry and move on. We focus on positive stuff and things will get better. I am the most jealous person in the world, so it kills me, all of it kills me. But I have no choice but to get through it. It's my choice.

confused615 posted 8/14/2013 10:26 AM

We have had a very difficult 3 years since dday.

But in the last 5 days,he has done 3 things that show me he might be "getting it." Last night,he read some posts on SI..big step for him. Yesterday he heard me out on an issue that we disagreed on..and agreed that I was right and we would do it "my" way...this is HUGE..he usually feels he is right and doesn't consider my while some make be shaking their heads..this is HUGE to ME. And he did something in the store last weekend(I posted about it) that really showed me he was being proactive and trying to prevent a trigger AND show me he loved me at the same was very sweet..and unexpected.

I have read some of the loving poems and texts that other BS's get from their WS..and while my WH *says* and *does* the same things,I have had a very hard time believing them/him. Maybe I need to let my walls down..just a little bit..and peek over to the other side..just to see..if maybe..*maybe*...he is being sincere?

I am feeling really good about my husband today.

SorrowBhindSmile posted 8/14/2013 18:19 PM

YEAH! positive. I can do that today!

ALL the stuff you guys

I think, for me, one of the biggest things is seeing how OTHER PEOPLE notice the changes in my WH...and in me as well. When other people notice, or comment on something, it helps to squash those insecure feelings that creep up on me sometimes. it makes me feel as tho the changes he is making in himself are substantial and REAL because other people (who dont know about the A) see a change in him.

Never, in the 20+ years that we have been married, have i ever seen him work so hard on himself, our marriage or his relationship with our children. I truly in my heart feel as tho he is sorry for what he DID...and not because he got caught. There's a big difference for me. He gets it. He knows what he did. He wants to be a better man, for himself, for me and for his family. He works everyday to prove that to me.

So like you...i try my best to live in the now. Its working for today!

hugs to you all!

TxsT posted 8/14/2013 18:44 PM

I agree with you is nice when others see the changes. Makes me feel like we are really on the right path.


unfound posted 8/14/2013 19:15 PM

Even this far out, I still see and experience the positives of what we learned and are still learning.

We use the tools we have gained in not just out M, but in our lives. Communication, patience and being proactive .

[This message edited by unfound at 7:17 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)]

ifinallyfoundme posted 8/14/2013 20:35 PM

This is a great post. It is hard as you say, but the bad times help us appreciate the good times. My life and my marriage can be better than its ever been. Starting anew with more wisdom and knowledge and creating a life that suits us. learning to live and let go as well as being clearer in my/our expectations

JustDesserts posted 8/14/2013 20:48 PM

Very nice thread to read. Creating positive energy, together, has been so rewarding, and carries the day even if I trip up and revert to some of my old character flaws.

One thing I do as a WS, just like many BS's do, is sometimes struggle to accept that positive change IS happening. Versus wondering when some other shoe going to drop. And infidelity puts a whole new spin on state the painfully obvious.

Best exercise for me if I "go there" on non-acceptance is to focus on living, on fully being, present in the moment. Easier said than done.

Our R isn't all rays of sunshine. But my BS's choice to radiate positive energy, hope, and belief on us has had a profound affect on how I am seeing our life, and my role in it. For that, I am grateful.

I like reading positive anecdotes here. Thank you.

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