I hate that I can't move on but it is easy for him. I just want to know WHY?
Understanding and appreciating what was really not working in our marriage has helped me understand why. I don't think a WS can actually put into words why. WHY is a combination of a whole bunch of things and the sooner you get down to digging and finding them, internalizing them, accepting your part in some of them, and appreciating that things were obviously not right even when you thought they were.....that's when you slowly get to start understanding the why.
I do not know your whole story so please don't think I am generalizing. I do understand there are several people here who have spouses who have problems that have nothing to do with their marriage at all. The addicts, the deviant personalities of spouses who get sick thrills out of A's ....... their whys are very very different.
I hope you eventually get to understand the why in your own personal situation.
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
He affaired down, they normally do. A woman who fucks with a married man is the lowest of the low. And in my case she was also nothing special to look at. Thank god! lol
He liked that she talked to him and listened to him. He felt something he hadn't in a long time. It stimulated him he said. Thank god he never LOVED her. She loved him. That fucking hurts. He basically used her for his own selfish needs. It's ugly shit.
This leads me to believe she did have feelings for him, but he did not have any feelings for her except using her body. She didn't anticipate I guess that he still loved me. Sex does not equal love, why does no one get that???
WS and I were completely disconnected, this created an ideal place for an A to begin. This does not excuse him in any way, he made a choice. We realize this now in MC, we were not communicating at all and completely taking each other for granted, but the A's are still 1000% on him, he knows that.
Our goal this past week (DDay 1 week ago today) is to talk every day (for hours),tell each other please and thank you, tell each other that we love each other (this has been very painful for me, I still love the bastard but have not forgiven him). He hugs me, he holds me and vice versa. It's am intimacy that he never had with his A's. It seems so stupid, he had his revelation a few nights ago. "Why the hell did I do what I did? Why didn't/couldn't I just tell you what I wanted?" I really think it's because as a society we want a quick fix. We look for easy solutions but the A's were not a solution, he knows that now. He was being purely selfish.
I look at sex with an A or ONS as fast food; it seems like a good idea at the time, fast, easy, convenient. It tastes pretty good too, but a few hours later, you feel disgusting. You are full, but not satisfied. It will satiate your hunger for a while, but it will not sustain you. You will crave it more and more until you don't want it anymore, but it's too late, you are hooked on this repeated behavior.
You have rationalized it to yourself "It's not a big deal, it's only hurting me". But you know deep down it isn't good anymore like that first time. And nothing is as good as a home cooked meal.'Nuff said
I hate looking at him on his phone and wonder what he is doing or why? I hate this lingering feelings and not moving on. Sometimes I just want to run away from it all, then I see our daughter and realize I can't. I want too so bad!
I was reading a lot of stuff online and on this site and then I paraphrased those things plus my own feelings into this letter. I sent this letter to his "girlfriend" and something similar to him. Keep in mind I met her, she came into my house and met me as the wife of his friend. Also, she was in an "open marraige" and her husband, who left her 1 week before my husband dropped his bomb- thus that is the reason for the timing. She was free and he wanted to be free. He still won't admit he had a plan (however poorly executed) but he did have a reason.
I just kept asking and asking and asking the same why questions over email/text until he finally answered me. I had to ask about 10 times but I got to the truth eventually however discusting it was.
Here is my letter:
There was a man who felt bad about himself.
He needed an ego boost, someone to be attracted to him, to make him feel good about himself.
To fill a gap in his life.
You said you could "add" something special to his life. Enlighten him, Fulfill him in ways he needed.
Introduce him to a fantasy world where he gets everything he wants
That gap however is in his soul, the gap is how worthless he feels about himself
You thought you had the best of him, but really you were accepting the worst of him.
His lies, his deception, his neediness
To fill the horrible gap in yourself, you were searching for something too
Something your "enlightened" lifestyle doesn't and won't ever provide you
You fool yourself into thinking you are strong and secure; but inside you feel worthless, unlovable, weak, pathetic
I asked him what you "Added" to his life exactly and he couldn't answer it
you are weak and injured and selfish and narsisstic and stupid
the only one with worse self esteem than him is you
I could see it in your eyes when you had the sick need to come into my house to meet me
You came to size me up
But when you left, you knew and I knew the pecking order,
you don't compare to me, you knew I was a better woman than you would ever be
And maybe then was the moment you realized how pathetic and cheap and typical your affair was
He doesn't really love you
It was sex and excitement and neediness and trying to fill your mutual insecurity
And If you truly loved him, you wouldn't have let him risk the rest of his life
Now the life he knew was over
And the life you knew was over
You might think you will have a life with him because he can't repair what he did to our family
But he will only realize how he horribly he traded down with you
and resent you and hate you for all he lost
And then you both have nothing
but especially you
BECAUSE THEY ARE SELFISH
Why her? Because she is the same and worse. She was the only one with amoral values, low self-esteem, and low-self confidence to go after someone else's man. She was not good enough to get her own. So they run around feeding off the weaknesses that every relationship and human being has.
But, you are better than them both. You deserve better than this. You can still hold your head up high with dignity. You can look at yourself in the mirror and be proud of being a better person. Even if you feel shattered.
They will always have the black stain of infidelity on their souls.
[This message edited by hopefulmother at 12:33 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]