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kg201 posted 8/14/2013 10:49 AM

I'm 2.5 weeks in from d-day. I posted my story in the JFO forum , but I was wondering whether others who are hoping for R are in the same place as me.

In short, I found out my wife of 15 years had a 3 year affair with her business partner (this past year while she was being treated for metastatic cancer). We have three kids (15, 11, 10).

I have told her I am willing to R and forgive her. I do love her. She doesn't believe that I will ever forgive her and that with the time she might have remaining to live, the work that would be required to R would be too draining to her health, and we might never fully recover anyway. She is afraid of losing the support she had from her person both health-wise and also from the marriage issues we had.

So basically I am in limbo waiting for her to make a decision. And it sucks! One day I am confident and think that I can handle her choosing him, and the next (like today) missing her (she is away with her mother for 3 days).

If this cancer wasn't an issue I would feel more confident in pushing a separation. But thinking about my kids having to deal with both a potentially dying mother and a separation hurts. I can't imagine not helping her with the health issues.

I know that my story is probably very different from most, but I am wondering if anyone else here is dealing with a limbo issue and how you are handling it?

K

LosferWords posted 8/14/2013 11:37 AM

((kg201))

Your story is unique. I'm not sure what advice to give you, but I can definitely see that you have a big heart, and a huge capacity for forgiveness.

Have you thought about seeking out counseling to help you sort out and prioritize what actions you should take, in regards to dealing with your wife's infidelity, supporting her through this sickness, and also supporting your kids? Not only that, but taking care of yourself, too?

Hang in there. Know that you have been heard, and you can find support on this site with whatever you need.

Take care.

kg201 posted 8/14/2013 11:56 AM

LosferWords,

Thanks for the reply. I have a therapist and we have been to MC as well. The talking actually is the only thing that really helps settle me down.

Of course it seems like all therapists take August off so it isn't until Sept. that I get to see one again.

Thanks,
K

LosferWords posted 8/14/2013 12:10 PM

Just talking through it really does help a lot. When I first started seeing my therapist I felt like I was repeating myself somewhat. She mentioned that was okay, and that repeating my story was healing the trauma that I had been through.

What you are going through is a trauma as well.

And what is the deal with therapists taking August off? Must be trying to get vacation in before school starts up again, I don't know.

Therapist or not, we're here for you, man. I think you'll find a great deal of support here. I'm glad you found us.

Strength to you.

Maxiom posted 8/14/2013 12:14 PM

Why are you letting her decide anything? If it was up to her she would want the husband and the boyfriend. Shes just delaying.

I'd say that time is up. Move toward the divorce. It doesn't happen right away anyway.. so if she does pull her head out of her ass in time then you can always stop it. The only way to get someone off the fence is to remove the fence.

Also.. I know you are affraid of the bad press this might bring your way since she is very ill. BUt make it very clear why.. shout it from the roof tops in fact. That you are willing to do everything possible to help her get well.. just not while she has a boyfriend. Let her boyfriend foot the bill.

Dallas2 posted 8/14/2013 12:19 PM

((hugs)) and prayers

You are in such a unique place. All I can tell you is to take of yourself.. This is so important. Glad to see your going to MC but what about IC? Maybe you should also consider FC because you and your kids have a lot to deal with.
Your kids will need you no matter what happens.

If this cancer wasn't an issue I would feel more confident in pushing a separation.

Have you discussed this with your WW? Are you only considering staying because of the cancer?

In the I can relate forum there is a thread for BS's in limbo. There may be some info that can help you.

Again kg201 - hugs and prayers for you and family.

atsenaotie posted 8/14/2013 12:46 PM

Hi kg201,

You can work on your aspect of separation without pushing anything. She fired you from job of husband and all that entails. You can focus on your job as father and on your kids. Do what is best for them, and for you.

So basically I am in limbo waiting for her to make a decision.

She has made her decision, and discussed it with OM and her mother. It is OK for you to move on out of limbo, even if you are not planning to D. Please visit with an attorney for advice, especially with the special considerations of your case. For example, she has left you for OM, but will you be left responsible for medical bills? Is there anything you can do about that?

Best Wishes