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Help I Need a Little Perspective and Clarity

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StillLivin posted 8/14/2013 11:20 AM

I am too close to the situation to have enough clarity on how to handle when my husband comes home from his deployment next week.
A little history. He started a PA/EA approximately 3 - 4 years ago when we were stationed somewhere else...he has never answered a single question about her. About 2 1/2 years ago, we moved to the West Coast. He continued the EA part. He did try to break it off when we first moved out here for about 7 months...the phone bill gave me this info (FYI I also had a PI and did a lot of my own sleuthing for everything that I know).
DD was 3/25/2013 when he was home on his R&R from the deployment. Just before discovery he had been saying the Iloveyoubut... and that's what got me suspicious.
After discovery he went underground. I found out the secret phone within 24 hours, waited to see if he would come to his senses on his own. I busted him 4/10/13. After that I packed...did the 180 without even knowing what 180 was. He caved within 48 hours and professed we were going to work on our marriage. He did EVERYTHING right (now I know this...wasn't a member then though).
He redeployed in May.
We were doing good with R if there is such a thing as doing good.
In June I got an email he meant to send to her...won't even dignify the lame lie he tried to use to cover his tracks.
One week after that, he calls me and tells me he is filing for D.
It's been a roller coaster back and forth with EVERYTHING since that day. One day we might work, next day he doesn't know, etc etc.
I'm having him served with S papers first. Will file D when I'm ready.
I've decided to do 180. Attorney says I can't kick him out until he has been served.
So, when I go to pick him up from the airport and bring him home, gaggggggg ahgggg, how do I treat him? Do I answer any questions. Do I tell him he is being served in the morning? Do I act nice, ignore, disregard?
Coming to all of you to find out how other folks would handle the situation. OMG I just need some clarity. I really really wish he didn't even have to come home, but that wouldn't look nice in court.
I'm doing semi NC. I don't call, email, text, or engage. But, since he is in a danger zone, I will accept calls. Distantly ask what he needs. If it is ridiculous I don't respond and firmly tell him not discussing. If it is legitimate treat him like a business associate with business to handle. Oh and our youngest son, 18, ran away....yeah I know he's 18, but it's what he did. Backlash from him trying to comprehend the D. So my H really does have some legitimate things to discuss with me.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 11:20 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)]

Morhurt posted 8/14/2013 12:11 PM

I'm so sorry, how absolutely devastating. It sounds like you're doing all the right things. I don't have any advice, but I wanted to respond to let you know that you're not alone.

Elaine2012 posted 8/14/2013 12:35 PM

(((StillLivin))) If he is talking D then it's all business from here on out. You need to take care of you and you've done a great job so far as you worked through the trauma of dday.

I hope your son is safe.

StillLivin posted 8/14/2013 12:44 PM

Thank you both. And yes, my son is fine he is living with his girlfriends parents right now. He just doesn't have the nicer amenities, truck, XBox, 40 inch tv, money in his account. I won't stop parenting just because I'm not wifing right now.

kiki1 posted 8/14/2013 12:45 PM


I hope your son is doing better. 18 is still a baby really when your trying to deal with dissolution of your family. My heart aches for him. My son was also 18 on dday.

As for when your h comes home: calm and cool as a cucumber. It is what it is.

I dont think i would tell him that you filed. Let him experience that on his own.

Good Luck and hugs,,,,

StillLivin posted 8/14/2013 12:50 PM

Thank you. Ok, got it. No telling what he is going to throw at me, but if I treat him like one of my ex soldiers that went a little nuts, and distance, I'll be ok.
My son I worry, but I know he is raised right and he is more mature than most his ate. I think he is just doing his own 180 from Dad and I because he couldn't deal with the hurt just yet. I'm giving him time, space, and spiritual love and hugs. He knows we are both here for him.
But really, thanks again. I've had sooooo much support since joining recently.
I've had so much clarity from the WS that were so brave. Healing is coming faster, I just know it from all of the support and newfound knowledge/perspective.

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