Then out of the blue he makes a statement-"I have no regrets about my life, I look at everything as a learning experience."
That really has destroyed me.
It also opened up all the things I had put away. Didn't push for answers. MC said he had punished himself and he wasn't going to open his wounds.
I feel like we're back to day one or close. I am asking questions because I realize now that thoe box is open I can't shut the lid again.
I am not sure about anything anymore. Maybe A was dealbreaker. I really think it's his attitude that is the dealbreaker.
What questions will help me know his true feelings?
MC said he had punished himself and he wasn't going to open his wounds.
Well, I'm SO bloody pleased that HE has healed his wounds! Where's the clapping photo? I guess that it's OK that you're still dripping blood on the floor as long as HIS wounds are healed and he has "punished" himself enough. Strangely, I would be far more reassured of the value of the MC if the MC had come to the conclusion that WH had done the work necessary to get to the bottom of his issues, solve them, forgive himself for being a broken man, and then committed himself to your support while you healed.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
I do understand what your husband means though, I just think he could chosen a better way to say it. My husband's EA woke us both up. We now realize where we went wrong and how much we need to make each other the first priority. It's strange because as badly as he hurt me, we are now communicating better than ever and we spend so much more time together. I told him maybe his EA was a blessing in disguise. Everything happens for a reason kind of thing....Maybe that's what he meant?
I do understand what your husband means though, I just think he could chosen a better way to say it.
Perhaps tell your husband how his words made you feel, and let him elaborate on the subtext he was getting at. Sometimes we're so focused on the text (the actual words) AND our own hearing filters (how we WANT to hear something at a particular time...and based on our emotional place, our physical place, our relationship place, etc.) that we don't pick up on the subtext. Not suggesting you don't know best what he said and how he said it, but you're mentioning positives: new hopes and dreams, doing more things in three years than the last 10, and doing so well. Was all that so fragile that it's really back to day one due to that sentence he spoke? I'm asking sincerely, as it both saddens me and scares me as a WS.
My husband's EA woke us both up. We now realize where we went wrong and how much we need to make each other the first priority. It's strange because as badly as he hurt me, we are now communicating better than ever and we spend so much more time together. I told him maybe his EA was a blessing in disguise. Everything happens for a reason kind of thing....Maybe that's what he meant?
Just hypothetically, if a WS came here and wrote "I told my BS maybe my having an affair was a blessing in disguise" how long would it take for a sh^tstorm of replies to pour in, and the mods needing to do their mod thing? And yet here is a BS indicating that out of the ruins and wreckage, something new and beautiful is emerging. That encourages me and shows me that for R to work, it takes two individuals working on themselves (one, the WS, due to a need...the other, the BS, due to forced circumstances beyond their fault and control) AND the joint efforts of two people trying to find a light at the end of the tunnel.
I hope you'll verify your WH's intent with direct communication regarding how what you heard him say made you feel. And that all of the positives you yourself mentioned you've been experiencing won't be lost due to a miscommunication that was one sentence long. I don't pretend to know what you are feeling, and am not suggesting anything that isn't firmly IMHO.
I am guilty of a stupid utterance on a fairly regular basis. I am getting much better at owning it, fast, and not letting a small spark create a conflagration which burns down NEW growth. Reading here on Reconciliation is a great way to find hope, and stay grounded in the reality of how hard "R" actually is...short term, and beyond. Best wishes to you.
[This message edited by JustDesserts at 2:56 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)]
Courage is not having the strength to go on; it is going on when you don't have the strength.
Grant it I love where I am today but things could of been what I wanted if he hadn't cheated. Sooo as I say stupid speaks stupid words. He should of said he regretted the pain he caused the both of you.
I am a BS and I would never never say that his Affair was a blessing in disguise, NEVER! It is a very painful time I wish never happened. I believe all things happen for a reason I just have not figured out what the freakin reason is 'cept he had to prove how stupid he was. Just me again.
I know recon is a place of nice words.. Sorry mods..
Look you are in a great place. I get him saying that ripped your heart wide open. It did me too. But as stated above sometimes you have to look beyond his words to know what he is saying. Or tell him to explain that sentence to you. That you want to know what he meant? That is w
hat I would do. I did ask mine..
Look at the last 3 year and smile..You kinda have to closet that other years. I do..
I can see what the MC means by this. I think what the MC is saying is he can't continue to spend his life punishing himself for the A. You can't spend the rest of your marriage punishing him as well. That is not going to help in going forward and R. It also helps to see a WS showing remorse. It can be a long difficult road.
It also opened up all the things I had put away. Didn't push for answers.
This sounds to me like you haven't resolved your feelings about the A and decided to rugsweep your feelings. Why didn't you push for answers you needed?
Maybe A was dealbreaker. I really think it's his attitude that is the dealbreaker.
If the A is a deal breaker, then that is ok. If you are not seeing the changes, then that could also be a deal breaker. The important thing for you is to be at peace at whatever you decide to do. Only you can make that decision.
Gotta love the life that we livin'
I actually am planning on talking to him and clearing this up. we have had company for the past few days so it hasn't been an option.
Scubachick - I did ask questions but never got true answers all at once. The tt was killing me so I stopped asking. How can I begin to respect and love someone who is still not being honest with me? I will admit now that he has reopened things and I have thought about it. I know I can't stay if I don't feel I have the truth.
JustDesserts- Thanks for being brave enough to respond. YOur question
Was all that so fragile that it's really back to day one due to that sentence he spoke? I'm asking sincerely, as it both saddens me and scares me as a WS.
I am not quite at day one but yes this has hurt me to the point that I question myself. As a BS I know HOPE is a big reason we stay. HOPE things will get better. HOPE that the WS will not cheat again. HOPE that our M will get better and survivie.
Of course the other reason we stay is we still love the WS. Didn't mean to scare you.
heartache101 - Great words of advice. I love the stupid speaketh remark.
Wonderingwhy11 - Beleive it or not rugsweeping is not my usual mode of operating. This A crap has knocked my socks off. In a way I'm glad he made that remark. It pissed me off enough that "I'm Back"
Again Thank you all. Your support is what gets me through bad times like this.
"I have no regrets about my life, I look at everything as a learning experience."
So, he has no regrets about hurting you? How nice for him to have a "learning experience" at your expense.
"I have no regrets about my life, I look at everything as a learning experience."
Dallas, I waited all day before I posted here, because lord knows I don't want to make you feel worse, and I know that sometimes a sentence can come out wrong - but this is just so totally *self absorbed* that it just staggers me. I have to say that I see it the same way you do. I would be devastated too.
Where are his thoughts of you in this sentence? How can he have 'no regrets' about something that caused you so much pain? Even if he learned a lesson from it?
I get what some are saying - that out of the ashes of destruction, something new and beautiful in it's own right can emerge - and I agree with that. But for him to not acknowledge the COST you paid for his lesson he learned is a really, really big (and revealing) oversight to me. That statement is all about him - and the worst thing to me is that it seems that he doesn't even realise it. It's got to be pointed out to him.
and I think Skan is spot on with this about the MC too..
I would be far more reassured of the value of the MC if the MC had come to the conclusion that WH had done the work necessary to get to the bottom of his issues, solve them, forgive himself for being a broken man, and then committed himself to your support while you healed.