I believe I like your MC, Card!
I am no big fan of most counselors. My experiences with them for myself and some family members have almost all been extremely negative. I have read most of the same psychology books they have, and I have taken some of the same classes even though I don't have a degree in psychology. I don't believe their degree or certification really gives them any magical insight on advising people through the problems of life, and in fact sometimes their advice is terrible and counterproductive.
My H and I both have plenty of things about our childhoods that shape the people we have become as adults, in both good and bad ways. We have talked about our childhoods a lot with each other. I absolutely agree that paying a counselor to repeat all that would be mostly a waste, at least for us.
My H did not do IC and neither of us did MC, and yet it has been 7 years now. We communicate better than ever before and are closer than ever. We figured this out on our own.
I went to an IC for a time period of time during that awful year, mostly because I felt I needed a sympathetic ear, someome who did not know my H who I could be comfortable talking to. She was mostly a "paid friend." She didn't tell me how to live my life and didn't delve into my childhood, other than for me to briefly tell "my story" how far I had come in life, from divorcing a previous serial cheater, getting married again, the blended family issues we went through, and then his cheating and the death of my step-DD.
After about four months, she told me that she didn't think I really needed to come back unless I wanted to. She had never met my H but based on what I told her, she said, "He is IN the marriage." And she seemed confident we would make it and be fine. She was right.
I admire the fact she was not in it just for the easy money, encouraging me to come back for years.
And in the end, it boils down to this for me:
I believe my H has learned his lesson, even without counseling! I believe he is truly remorseful. Does he know EXACTLY why he cheated? I would say not, but I am not confident people have those answers even after years of counseling. Sometimes there just isnt' a good answer. So how do I know he won't do it again, then?
Well, he gives me reasons to believe he won't do it again, but the bottom line is this. After being cheated on in two marriages, I will never be 100% sure it could not happen, and that is with or without all that counseling. The only thing I know for sure is what I would do if it happened again. And that is immediately file for a D.
[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 12:05 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]