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HopefullyLost09 posted 8/14/2013 15:27 PM

So I'll admit to q couple of things here. 1. Between pregnancies, kids, jobs, school, stress, etc. Before the A we didn't have much of a sex life (not very often and when we did it usually was fairly mechanical if you will and often interrupted). And 2. We had sex after knowing about the A much earlier than I expected it would have thought possible. With those two things combined and a couple other things. I struggle sometimes. I don't have sex with him when I don't want to but sometimes I get worried that a small part of me is doing it out of fear that if I don't he will have another A... I guess I don't really feel that bit is strange to me that our sex life is so much better right now. We are only a month out. .. is this strange? Ugh

OldCow18 posted 8/14/2013 15:40 PM

I had sex with WH for the first time about 6 weeks after d-day and it shocked me because we had the WORST day, horrible fighting, etc...and then *I* went and initiated Especially after I vowed to NEVER touch him again, lol. I chalked it up to needing a connection. After that we had sex 2 other times both resulting in crying and fighting afterwards - ugh. Then things were bad again and I didn't want to and he didn't act interested...until last night. It was really good in a new kind of way and the good feelings have carried over today. I'm hoping it lasts a while because it's so nice to feel a tiny bit better after living in HELL.

Is this idea in your head that he will have another A if you don't have sex with him or has he given you an indication that he would?

I don't know if you are doing it out of fear, for me it's been more to have a connection and take a step forward.

bionicgal posted 8/14/2013 15:49 PM

We went from sex 2x a month pre-A to 4-5x a week post-A. Now, we are just 10 weeks out, but it has been important bonding for us-- kind of a break in the storm. We had some bad dynamics around sex before, which are improving.

I get what you are saying re: feeling like you don't want to be pressured by the situation. . .I would just say talk and talk some more. Also, I recommend His Needs Her Needs to make sure all your needs are getting met.

HopefullyLost09 posted 8/14/2013 15:55 PM

I really honestly don't feel like he will have another affair because of that. I don't know what it is that I am feeling. The connection thing you mentioned sounds right. when we have sex is good. Sometimes I have things pop into my head from the And if I am unable to push them out I stop him and he is very understanding etc. Guess thats a different topic. Lol.

HopefullyLost09 posted 8/14/2013 16:11 PM

I guess my point in posting is that I didn't expect this. Trying to figure out the norm. Things to exist, watch out for, etc

bionicgal posted 8/14/2013 16:42 PM

Some people call it Hysterical Bonding (HB) which I have mixed feelings about.

Our sex life for 20 years was a lot out of obligation, and pretty vanilla, I am sad to say. For some reason the shock of the affair broke us out of some old molds and ways of looking at things. For some reason, I realized that indeed I WAS a sexual being. It has helped that my H is meeting my needs far better than he was before, so I feel like being intimate more.

So, it is not abnormal that you feel like having sex. . although if you are like me you probably don't want to tell anyone who knows because they'd think you were insane!

LA44 posted 8/14/2013 16:48 PM

Our sex life for 20 years was a lot out of obligation, and pretty vanilla, I am sad to say. For some reason the shock of the affair broke us out of some old molds and ways of looking at things. For some reason, I realized that indeed I WAS a sexual being

This is's like the A has cracked me open in many ways - good, bad but in terms of is way better now then pre-A.

My sexuality was always something I stuffed down. I am not doing that anymore and its not bc I am afraid of him cheating. Nope. I am coming out of my shell for me. And it seems to be working for him too!

BeyondBreaking posted 8/14/2013 18:12 PM

I had hysterical bonding, and we had sex ON d-day. :( I was so mortified and ashamed after...worse than when I lost my virginity.

We are newly weds, and have sex as often as we can (with a 4 year old in the house), but it's taken a year to get to this point. After d-day, we would go months, and sex wasn't even discussed.

myheadreallyhurt posted 8/14/2013 20:04 PM

As awful as this sounds I've learned to distance myself during sex and allow it to be just sex. When I would think to much about it and get emotional, I just couldn't do it. I kept questioning him and if he was comparing, etc. Finally, I just told myself, "It's just sex and it feels good, nothing else". I know this probably isn't totally healthy to do but its helping me cope right now.

HopefullyLost09 posted 8/14/2013 20:11 PM

Ugh. I know exactly what you are saying myheadreallyhurt... Sometimes I feel like I have to do that too. I have to fight the images. .. The movie in my head constantly.

bionicgal posted 8/14/2013 21:37 PM

LA44 - "cracked me open" is perfect. And I was clear from day one that it was for me as well. . . So interesting that we had the same experience!

P.S. we are the same age as well. . .probably part of the equation.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 9:39 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)]

Twentyplus posted 8/14/2013 22:39 PM

Yes, as LA, "cracked me open" applies to me as we'll on every level. There is not much left of the person who was blindsided into oblivion on New Year's Eve 2010. Sex is a whole different ball game in the new world order.

PolyGal posted 8/15/2013 01:54 AM

My H and I had sex about a week or so after DDay... it was painfully hot. I had been staying with my girlfriend for that week, and I came home for the weekend to see where things went, and that was where they went. But once we started talking, it went downhill. I went back to my girlfriend's for another three weeks, then got my own apartment when he said that he was giving up.

A year later I told him we should D, and he wanted us to go into MC instead. From that we dated each other for 6 months before we had sex again... which was, again, painfully hot. We've always had a good sex life What can I say, despite all of our bullshit he really does it for me in that department, heheh

I'm not sure what our status is at the moment, we had some setbacks recently and we're starting MC again next week after a 2 year hiatus (I guess we felt we were fine without it?). And we've had some discussions that haven't gone well, and another DDay a few weeks ago that I haven't confronted him on. I haven't been with him sexually since then. I'm not sure I want to anymore. I mean, I want to, because we have great chemistry and I still love him and I know he loves me in spite of his lies. But I guess the dishonesty is a major turn-off for me, go figure. After 3.5 years of successfully dating and working on things and improving our relationship, he lies to me directly with a straight face. Anyway we'll see how next week's MC goes. I want some more of that hot lovin' But why the fuck can't he just be honest with me? Ah well.

[This message edited by PolyGal at 1:55 AM, August 15th (Thursday)]

PrincessPeach06 posted 8/15/2013 10:03 AM

We had sex on Dday - yes the day after his ONS - wtf I know (thank god he used a condom and basically took a bath in hydrogen peroxide immediately afterward)!!!!!! It was probably daily for a long time but then got to a point where I wanted it but he just wanted to hold me and cuddle (lol).

Then yesterday all we did was talk and talk and talk about everything - a few hugs and kisses but nothing overly sexual. Then after talking all day we both just looked at each other for a second and had the same thought - that we had to have each other! It was the most intimate, emotional sex I think I have ever had. Completely amazing!!!!

So yeah sometimes I wonder what in the world we were thinking right afterward (ok still because its only been 3 months lol) and it's far from daily now but soooo wonderful each time and doesn't at all feel like a "chore".

Landoes posted 8/15/2013 14:42 PM

For me, sex was great for a week. Then, I felt completely disgusted by her. Now, sex is very difficult; it makes me feel like crap afterwards. The last few attempts at sex, I have lost my E (sorry if tmi) during intercourse. I just can't stop being in my head.
I have no clue when sex stops becoming a trigger. I feel like everything I used to enjoy is a trigger.
Selfish people!

[This message edited by Landoes at 2:46 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]

Later posted 8/15/2013 15:19 PM

I guess the most surprising thing about HB was when my WW asked why I never told her that I love her during sex anymore.

TxsT posted 8/15/2013 15:22 PM

I am on board with Bionic on this one. Sex for us started 2 days after Dday. It came very naturally, was gentle, sweet and unexpected. We had such little intimacy for so long. I was surprised at how much I missed the sexual part of my personality. It was liberating to feel it just flow and I ran with that feeling.

It was my RWH that had a harder time with sex. Because we hadn't connected that way in so long he confessed that he thought that part of our marriage was over. He felt like I was having sex with him just to make sure he didn't leave. He felt he was pressuring me because it had been an issue for him allowing the A to happen. It made HIM feel guilty. It has taken a long time for him to feel like this is exactly what I wanted. I had to explain, rather infatically that I too had missed making love to him and wanted it back badly. That I was so enjoying our ability to bond in such a wonderful way. I told him it also made me feel safe. Knowing he was so close was comforting to me.

After a year of reengagement I can honestly say sex is natural and loving again.


[This message edited by TxsT at 3:37 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]

TxsT posted 8/15/2013 15:24 PM

PS.....for LTA's and long term marriages I do not believe this concept of hysterical bonding. I believe it is an integral part of a healthy relationship and if both party's are ok with it there is nothing hysterical about it.


Later posted 8/15/2013 15:32 PM

PS.....for LTA's and long term marriages I do not believe this concept of hysterical bonding. I believe it is an integral part of a healthy relationship and if both party's are ok with it there is nothing hysterical about it.

Not to pick an interweb fight, but I am not sure what you mean. Maybe it's because of a lack of a mutual definition of HB.

Personally, I don't think HB should carry any negative connotations -- but it is good to be aware that this desire for sex, which is often incongruent with how the BS feels about the WS, is common.

I thought I was going crazy.

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