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soconfusednow posted 8/14/2013 15:49 PM

Our wedding anniversary is coming up. This year it's very important that I a get a card, letter or some little trinket from him. He has never really been a gift/card giver in the past.
My dilemma.....
1.If he doesn't get me anything I'll be disappointed, but think that's normal.
2.If he gets me something without me asking I'll be estatic.
3.If I tell him I'd like it and he gets something I'd wonder if it came from his heart or he's just trying to pacify me.
4.If I tell him I'd like it and he doesn't do it I'll be heartbroken.
5. If I don't say anything am I setting him up to fail?

Maybe I just need to quit over analyzing everything.

[This message edited by soconfusednow at 3:50 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)]

Lonelygirl10 posted 8/14/2013 15:58 PM

I would drop a hint that you are getting him something. If he thinks that you're getting him something, that might inspire him to get you something.

LosferWords posted 8/14/2013 16:02 PM

I don't think this is over analyzing at all. It's perfectly okay for you to tell him what your needs are.

Have you done any reading in "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman? I think it's a great book to help couples communicate. One of the languages of love is gift giving. That's a perfectly valid need, and it's okay to ask for it. At the same time, he should also be learning to speak this language to you on his own as well.

soconfusednow posted 8/14/2013 17:31 PM

Yes I have read 'The Five Love Languages' and he has read part of it. I wish we would have read it when it was first recommended to us, before the A. Since my primary love languages are physical touch and quality time he has been focused there so much the others have kinda been pushed aside. While I want to share my needs, I don't want to overwhelm him. We need to take baby steps if we are really going to mend along the way. Just tonight he has asked me to do 3 different things with him!

soconfusednow posted 8/22/2013 11:51 AM

On the day of our anniversary he said "I wasn't able to get a card because we haven't been apart since you asked. I suppose it defeats the purpose now." I explained that I needed that so I had something to hold onto when I was having doubts. Later he said he would have to write me a letter. 4 days later I'm still waiting
maybe... he doesn't truly understand the importance to me, just plain doesn't want to do it, forgot, isn't really committed to R, the list in my head keeps growing. maybe he hasn't had time (He's been working 12hour days since), or am I just making excuses for him again?

I want to talk to him about it, but isn't that the same as begging for it? If he can't provide that with out begging, do I really want it anyway? Will I believe anything that's written? Am I just being selfish expecting him to honor that request?

I'm beginning to wonder if he is still involved with OW and all the right things he is doing are just a smoke screen. Almost as if he's been on this site and read the things I should look for from a WS wanting to R.

It's hard since they work at the same location. WS says I can come there whenever I want. But I can't just walk in, the doors are locked at all times. You have to have special clearance or be escorted to enter & she could always leave through the backdoor if she's there.

[This message edited by soconfusednow at 11:57 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)]

tushnurse posted 8/22/2013 12:40 PM

As my H often told me - " I am not a mind reader, and although you have convinced yourself something is obvious, if you don't tell me what you want then I will always fail you." Now he is a bit of an emotional retard. He will admit that as well.

It is absolutely wonderful when they do something kind, and thoughtful just because. To me that means way more than doing it because it's a special day. However he does know that I expect cards on our anniversary, valentines day, and my birthday. That's really it. Anything above and beyond that is icing on the cake. Now what he writes in those cards. That's the real gold. That's the big gift. When he can let down the tough guy barriers, and really share what's in his heart. That's when it really pulls the heart strings.

So to answer your question Yes tell him. Also give him a list of dates you expect some small sort of something. This way he can't totally deny being aware of it. When it follows through, it may feel forced at first, esp if it's not something he is used to doing. But he will get better.
My H now seems to like giving cards, sometimes they are mushy, and sometimes they are just flat out face blushing sexual. Whatever they are it's nice, and it's fun.
Make sure when he does follow through that you show appreciation, and that he is getting more than a "gold star on his chore chart" another of H's phrases.

Happy Anniversary.

StrongerOne posted 8/22/2013 13:06 PM

So sorry he didn't come through, and with a truly lame excuse.

I had a similar problem with my H. He didn't want to give me "words of affirmation" because I had told him that I needed to hear them, and gave him examples. It wouldn't be "authentic," he was sure that I would think he was just doing stuff because I told him to.

My point was that, yes, I would be ecstatic if he did these things on his own, but since he never did, I was happy if he did things that I *asked* for explicitly. Because then he was doing something that he knew was important to me. I was looking for *effort*.

I had to put it like that several times (and finally, I broke down weeping because he *wouldn't* do it if it wasn't his idea = he didn't do it -- then he got it. Doofus!)

Hugs to you, I know this is so painful. I hope your WH comes through in the future...