Maybe I just need to quit over analyzing everything.
[This message edited by soconfusednow at 3:50 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)]
Have you done any reading in "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman? I think it's a great book to help couples communicate. One of the languages of love is gift giving. That's a perfectly valid need, and it's okay to ask for it. At the same time, he should also be learning to speak this language to you on his own as well.
I want to talk to him about it, but isn't that the same as begging for it? If he can't provide that with out begging, do I really want it anyway? Will I believe anything that's written? Am I just being selfish expecting him to honor that request?
I'm beginning to wonder if he is still involved with OW and all the right things he is doing are just a smoke screen. Almost as if he's been on this site and read the things I should look for from a WS wanting to R.
It's hard since they work at the same location. WS says I can come there whenever I want. But I can't just walk in, the doors are locked at all times. You have to have special clearance or be escorted to enter & she could always leave through the backdoor if she's there.
[This message edited by soconfusednow at 11:57 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)]
It is absolutely wonderful when they do something kind, and thoughtful just because. To me that means way more than doing it because it's a special day. However he does know that I expect cards on our anniversary, valentines day, and my birthday. That's really it. Anything above and beyond that is icing on the cake. Now what he writes in those cards. That's the real gold. That's the big gift. When he can let down the tough guy barriers, and really share what's in his heart. That's when it really pulls the heart strings.
So to answer your question Yes tell him. Also give him a list of dates you expect some small sort of something. This way he can't totally deny being aware of it. When it follows through, it may feel forced at first, esp if it's not something he is used to doing. But he will get better.
My H now seems to like giving cards, sometimes they are mushy, and sometimes they are just flat out face blushing sexual. Whatever they are it's nice, and it's fun.
Make sure when he does follow through that you show appreciation, and that he is getting more than a "gold star on his chore chart" another of H's phrases.
I had a similar problem with my H. He didn't want to give me "words of affirmation" because I had told him that I needed to hear them, and gave him examples. It wouldn't be "authentic," he was sure that I would think he was just doing stuff because I told him to.
My point was that, yes, I would be ecstatic if he did these things on his own, but since he never did, I was happy if he did things that I *asked* for explicitly. Because then he was doing something that he knew was important to me. I was looking for *effort*.
I had to put it like that several times (and finally, I broke down weeping because he *wouldn't* do it if it wasn't his idea = he didn't do it -- then he got it. Doofus!)
Hugs to you, I know this is so painful. I hope your WH comes through in the future...