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so how do you deal with Your lonely feelings?

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Andthencraigslis posted 8/14/2013 16:11 PM

In the throws of finding out via trickle truth and WS blames it all on being lonely ( you know all that time while I'm running around taking care of the house, kids, EVERYTHING and he is sitting on his ass lonely...) And WS is away on business. I am feeling incredibly lonely and as I obsessively search these sites for his profile I keep thinking I'm young, I'm attractive enough, I like dinner out and sex and feeling all those crazy butterfly in your stomach feelings again. So my question how do you cope with your loneliness? I have to admit fantasizing about having an affair just to spite him now, but I never would - I can't even deal with the heartache one man brings :)

Phoenix9572 posted 8/14/2013 18:06 PM

I'm struggling with the same things - my WH is away on a guys fishing trip and even though he's broken my heart a million different ways I still miss him. I'm torn with wishing he would not come home and then counting the days until he's back.
As for the loneliness, I've tried keeping myself busy with little projects that I keep saying I want to do but don't make the time. I've also tried to reach out to friends a little more which is something I generally haven't done in the past.
I can also relate to the revenge affair fantasy. My WH has been caught twice on NSA type web-sites. I keep thinking that I could hook up with someone this week while he's gone and the kids are at school. Deep down I know I couldn't do that to myself and in the end it really would not make make feel better. But oh that temporary excitement of feeling wanted is sure tempting at times.

heartache101 posted 8/14/2013 18:19 PM

Ok anyone can cheat anyone.
Those that don't cheat love and respect themselves too much to hurt them and their families.

OMG I have 4 dogs! Seriously I am never alone

I exercise a lot!! I crochet and I watch funny movies to keep me laughing.
I listen to music when I exercise. Someone mention Podcast for learning haven't went to that yet but I see it in my future.

Landoes posted 8/14/2013 19:15 PM

I too am dealing with feelings if revenge, which is making me get even more detached from my WS.
Yet, I can't! I think we're just better humans.

Nature_Girl posted 8/15/2013 03:54 AM

Well, not by cheating on my spouse, that's for sure!

Alexa posted 8/15/2013 04:37 AM

I can totally relate. I did exactly what you are doing and thinking now. Stop worrying about him and worry about yourself. It may be difficult but you need to get out with some friends. I did that last night and I make it a point to get out once in a while. Do not have an affair. Figure out the path you are headed before you take that road. As much as I would love to do it myself, we have to be the better person and parent. And don't look for proof of his infidelities. I did and it only brings more pain. Instead, reach out to family and friends. You'd be surprised at how many people feel the same loneliness. It feels pretty good to be surrounded by people who actually care about you too.

TheRealDeal posted 8/15/2013 05:12 AM

It was a struggle at first to find "things to do" because honestly I didn't feel I could do anything. I was just in too much grief and agony.
One good friend has been by my side since the beginning and she's been solid as a rock, day or night.

I did immediately start going back to yoga; up to 4 times a week sometimes. I also continued with my weekly muscle-toning class.

as I've grown stronger I've started reaching out to other friends, finding new activities, joined group therapy, reached out to other SI member in my state and planning to meet in person, found several adult education classes at local community colleges/towns, looking at going back to school, etc.

Here is a link to a past SI post that gave a list of ideas, too

the last thing on my mind is any type of RA. Can't even fathom it. I'm 100% focused solely on myself and it feels good. I'll continue to be honest, respectful, loyal and act with integrity regardless of all his countless screw-ups.

[This message edited by TheRealDeal at 5:15 AM, August 15th (Thursday)]

jjct posted 8/15/2013 06:29 AM

How interesting - your WH blames his A on being lonely, and you're the one who's lonely?

I'm sorry. My brain just crashed to a screeching stop and I don't know what to say.
(to many I'm sure - that's a good thing lol!)

But for you I have a present.
A poem in a video. Consider it wrapped in bows & given in warm thoughts for you & everyone who silently clicks here.

tushnurse posted 8/15/2013 10:47 AM

Being Lonely - I feel that for many many people this is the crux of so many of their issues. Not being happy being with yourself. Being Afraid to be alone.

The fear of being alone, and not being able to be happy alone is what leads so many people to tolerate the horrible situations they are in. If you can't be happy all by yourself, you search for it other places, usually in dysfuntional relationships.

This is where the 180 can help many of us get strong, and the ideas behind it can be carried out by those that are in active R. Figure out what you need to be happy, to be comfortable in your own skin. When you do this, and accomplish it, then you are never alone. You will find that you are a pretty neat person, and can be fufilled through your own actions. You don't find your happiness through others, you find it in you. The more you do, the stronger you get.

Focus on you. Make you a priority. What intrests you? What have you always wanted to do, but never did because you didn't have the time, money or someone to do it with you? Go DO IT!!! Life is too dang short to depend on others to make your happiness.

For me I was codependent as hell. I never did anything, without my H, or my kids. After Dday I realized I lost myself, and my intrests. So what did I do? At first it was small stuff. I got all my hair cut off, I love my hair short, and had kept it long for many years, because that is what my H liked. Nope you don't have to wash it, fix it, or care for it, not your decision to make.

Next thing I did that I was missing out on was going to concerts. I am a huge music lover, and my favorite group is DMB, I saw them no less than 5 times in the next year to year and a half after Dday. I get a concert date, and location, I'd buy my tickets. If H could go great, but if not I would find someone elsee.

Slowly and steadily doing more and more for me, until I was getting pedi regularly, taking time for exercise, and starting a brand new hobby that has turned now into a strong/thriving family business of beekeeping.

My H is usually right by my side to do all of this, and I love it, we R'd, and had our happy ending, but I would be just fine if he we hadn't, and am just fine when he isn't right by my side.

That was how I dealt with Lonely, and being Alone.

TheRealDeal posted 8/15/2013 11:06 AM

For me I was codependent as hell

^^^ this TushNurse -100% accurate for me too

I've started going to weekly CODA meetings (that's the group therapy I mentioned) and reading everything I can get my hands on and talk to IC about.

What an eye-opener about MYSELF. So like you, I focus on ME for the first time in decades and do I feel bad? feel selfish? HELL NO

I am learning about myself and what I like. And I'm excited to learn.

What is going on with WSO has almost -not quite - become secondary.

The more I learn about ME, the easier it is to deal with WSO. By default it's almost like doing the 180.

And believe me, he is noticing the changes and commenting...saying positive things.

I don't know what will happen with our relationship. I want to say we will eventually make it, but honestly its not my primary focus right now. I take it one day at a time as I learn more about myself. I have good days and bad days.

And as IC says, that's what it's all about...they are steps in right direction to getting through it.

pregnantandsad posted 8/15/2013 11:52 AM

I am really getting hit hard by the loneliness lately too. I have been trying to talk and get together with friends as much as possible, I started watching Breaking Bad on netflix at night and I read here a lot. I am 36 weeks pregnant so I feel pretty limited on what I can go out and do right now, lol.

I am hoping the baby will keep me so busy I won't have time to think about how lonely I feel. But right now it is so hard not to dwell on it, and wonder what WH is doing while I am home lonely and missing my old life

TxsT posted 8/15/2013 15:34 PM

Thankfully the job that set up the avenue for his A is no longer an issue and my WH does not have to travel for work anymore. He does do z3 boys trips though and when he goes he flys me to one of my friends houses. He is more worried about my loneliness now then I am but that's how we deal with it.


Gemini71 posted 8/15/2013 17:37 PM

Loney? Oh hell yeah. Especially at night after the kids are in bed. So that's when I call my friends. Sit on the porch, watch the stars, and just take time for me.

My SAWH cheated with my BFF of 30+ years, and I know her BH would be open to an RA. But as others have said, I have too much respect for myself to do that. Getting tested for STDs once because of SAWH was enough! If it gets too bad, I'll invest in a good BOB.

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