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Has anyone done the polygraph?

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SmallButStrong posted 8/14/2013 18:34 PM

A few months ago, I was insisting that my WH take a polygraph. Not because I thought I was missing information about the exposed A, but my gut was suddenly telling me that this wasn't the FIRST affair in our marriage. I simply wanted one question asked: Was this the first betrayal in our 13 years of marriage?

When I asked him to do it, he flipped a lid. That was a total red flag for me. Then, in MC, he'd reluctantly agree to "think about it", but never did. He claims it was the principle about the whole thing - that it made him feel like a criminal. (I reminded him that he HAD committed a crime against our marriage!)

Anyways, he never complied and I gave up on the subject. Now I'm coming back to it again. I think it's because I've been on the fence lately about my decision to stay. Now that the hysteria is slowing down, it's time to get to serious work. But I come back to this and think, What if? What if this WASN'T the first time, and he's been feeding me more lies?

If he had nothing to hide, he wouldn't have reacted the way he did. But my MC thinks he reacted that way because of the guilt and shame and how it makes him feel like a child in trouble, blah blah blah.

Has anyone else had a WS who has refused the test?

authenticnow posted 8/14/2013 18:59 PM

I found every reason not to take it when I was still trickle truthing.

Once everything was out, I would have done anything to let my BS know I was being truthful.

He's refusing because he's still hiding something.

myperfectlife posted 8/14/2013 20:52 PM

I would agree with authentic.
I told my STBX that I was considering talking to a girl he had a borderline EA with 5 years ago to see if it was actually a PA.
He said "that's crazy but I understand why you would want to know. Talk to her if you need to, I have nothing to hide there."
That's more the response you should be looking for...not flipping his lid.
I'd say you need to dig a little more before you invest any more time in this. It's the TT that kills.

SmallButStrong posted 8/26/2013 17:53 PM

I am posting here to get this to the top again, because I need to hear from others on how the polygraph worked for you, if your WS was willing to do it at all.

How does it work? Has anyone had a bad experience with it?

I am begging my reluctant WH to do it regarding other infidelities, and he refuses. I am left with the assumption that there were more before the one I am aware of, but he denies any others.

Just looking for more insight on this process, I guess...

dovetool posted 8/26/2013 19:36 PM

My WH refused to take a polygraph test when we first reconciled. Absolutely refused. Then with the firm threat of breaking up he reluctantly agreed to go. Then argued with me leading up to it. It was the principle of it... the wasted money. The test came back that he had spoken the truth. THAT WAS A LIE!

I found out later the true details bc my instincts never stopped going crazy. He passed maybe because the questions werent relevant or the guy giving it sucked. I dont know.

I have again recently asked for a new one with someone more qualified to see if there are more. My heart tells me there must be. He has admitted to flirting a lot but says it only went to sex with OW.

He says thats fine we can take one. Whatever it takes to help me. So I'll book it and see what happens...

tryingmybest2011 posted 8/26/2013 22:10 PM

that it made him feel like a criminal

My WH said this exact thing. Still hasn't done the test, although he said he would.

Missymomma posted 8/26/2013 22:24 PM

He refused to do the poly for a year and a half. Boom, right after full disclosure he readily agreed and we did it 2 days later. This was a polygrapher that works with sex addicts, the police and FBI (sex offenders). So, it has to be someone that is very good and knows how to help you rewrite your questions. We were limited to 10 yes or no questions, that should be written to answer yes. Like, Are your wife and _____________ the only people you have sexual contact with since ___________ (wedding date)?

lostworld posted 8/26/2013 22:45 PM

If I remember correctly, my H offered to take one during our false R; both of us knew I wouldn't follow through because I wanted so badly to believe all that he had said (we both also knew that I couldn't conceive that we really needed the poly because I simply could not conceive of the idea that he was continuing to hurt me while witnessing my devastation).

After I discovered the false R, he offered to take one again and I said, "Schedule it."

It was an experienced examiner and I was allowed 10 yes/no questions which the examiner and my H and I went over right before the exam. The examiner helped me clarify a couple of questions and explained that questions about "feelings" and "plans" would not yield reliable results. Right before the administration of the test, I got a piece of truth that was a revelation of a trickle truth, but nothing that was a dealbreaker or overwhelming.

I chose to leave the room during the test because the entire thing was uncomfortable for me. I hated admitting to a stranger all the ugly details of my H's affair, and it was hard to let a stranger see that my H was so capable of immense deception and hurt that we had to resort to a polygraph. I absolutely know his A was all about him, but it was humiliating for both of us to lay it all out there in front of a stranger.

However, I am glad we went through with it. If I had it to do all over again, I would do it exactly the same way--actually I would change one very important thing--I would have done it during the false R when I wasn't healing and couldn't figure out why. Unfortunately, I'd be suspicious of an angry and resistant WH.

cantgetup posted 8/26/2013 23:05 PM

I guess the question is what will you do if this wasn't the first time? I struggled with this too for a very long time. I couldn't conceive of the fact that he was completely faithful for 24 years and then after all that time decided to cross the line. That one doesn't go from 100% appropriate to a full blown A just like that. I didn't do the lie detector because I had to evaluate what my actions would be. And determined ( not at all easily) that I know he had an A and it wouldn't change too much if I knew of others. We had issues to resolve regardless. Hit 2 years this month and I do still wonder about others. But I never thought I was capable of letting it go to see if R was possible.

ItsaClimb posted 8/27/2013 01:58 AM

My fWH voluntarily went for a polygraph last week. He passed all the questions. It has definitely helped a lot. The fact that he was willing to do it and made the appointment showed me how serious he is about R. A couple of the questions were things that had been bugging right from the beginning, so it is so good to have that cleared up.

catlover50 posted 8/27/2013 04:54 AM

Our polygrapher was very experienced, also worked with FBI and police. We only got four questions and he helped phrase them.

My H was willing to do whatever it took, but he also felt like a criminal. I found it very uncomfortable too.

It took 24 (very long) hours to get the results. He passed. It really helped us move forward.

Also, he had been falsely accused at work and he was able to tell his partner that he had passed a poly.

I got the name from the PI I had hired early on and he set the whole thing up. It cost $550.

If a WS says they will do "anything" for you, this should be part of anything if you want it, IMO.

datura222 posted 9/9/2013 15:59 PM

My WH took 3 polygraphs. The first one he assured me that he would pass (this is what he believed as the ONS happened 6 years before the polygraph and he thought he has buriedit in his mind). He failed it miserably. He was in shock.

He did full disclosure and admitted to a ONS, and never ever saw her again.

He went through 2 other polygraphs, and passed both.

We were allowed 4 yes/no questions not subject to emotion. Just factual questions. Both examiners had over 25 years of experience, one working for the FBI and the other the president of the polygraph association in this state.

I am relieved that we went through the process.

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