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transperancy...Not

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heathenchristian posted 8/14/2013 18:36 PM

I found out he talked to a female friend of his for an hr 2 days ago. She is someone he flirted with when they worked together(she is not the OW, who knows she could be another one)she is also married.

They have no reason to talk, they don't work together any more. I never would have let this bother me, I know her and her husband and kids. However in light of his confessed A, it really bothers me.

He has also stated at one time that she gets on his nerves that it makes him not want to be friends with her. However I also saw a msg he sent her a while back that said something to the effect "so you don't want to be friends anymore?" she replied with "call me it's easier"
How do I confront him? I hacked into his phone. I guess I'm not being transparent either. I hate this.

authenticnow posted 8/14/2013 18:57 PM

You should have total access if you're in R so you did nothing wrong. If he calls you on hacking into his phone he is blameshifting and hiding something. Defensive=non remorse.

I'm sorry he isn't committed to R. It takes two .

unfound posted 8/14/2013 19:01 PM

you don't have to reveal how you know that he's having contact with this person, just that you know. If he fusses, then let him know that how you know does not change the fact that he is contacting people that you don't consider friends of the M, period.

Set a boundary for yourself. Let him know what it is, and what the consequence will be if he chooses to cross that boundary. "I will not tolerate you disrespecting me by speaking with females that we have not agreed are friends of the M. If you choose to, I will ______ (not be a part of this M, stop efforts on my part to reconcile, etc...)

there is a difference after dday between transparency and verifying when you're a bs. transparency is to prove right doing. if you have to hack his phone to get transparency, he's apparently not giving it freely. you're verifying why he's not transparent I think.

heathenchristian posted 8/14/2013 21:42 PM

I did talk to him about her and others. His ex before me that he still talks to.

I asked a round about question to get to where I needed to get.

He said he wouldn't talk to her if that's what I wanted. I want him to not want to talk to her, not because I don't want him to. Does that make sense? Am I nuts, cause i feel nuts.

momentintime posted 8/14/2013 21:47 PM

Take what you can get. You can work on his not wanting to talk to her later, but for now the conversations need to be curtailed.

callmecrazy posted 8/15/2013 08:11 AM

I get it. You want them to understand boundaries on their own. The bad boundaries cause you to either A. Allow them to break your boundaries with no consequence and to your pain or B. Take on a parental role in trying to teach them.

It stinks, but yes. If he honestly cares that it bothers you, that can be good. If he was half annoyed by it or is saying he wont but still doing it is when you know you are even further from having the problems fixed.

heathenchristian posted 8/15/2013 20:37 PM

he is trying. he told me she called him today and asked about the OW because someone had mentioned to her that this OW was with several men at their company and his name came up in the conversation. He just told her that the OW & him were friends....It's really none of her business anyway. She doesn't even work there anymore and has way too much time on her hands and has her ass in everyones business where it doesn't belong. Karma's a bitch. I saw her husband in the arrest section of the local paper. he had been arrested with a scale and was charged with selling drugs.

Sadwife222 posted 8/16/2013 09:27 AM

I'm sorry but since all this has happened to me, and it started out with just a "friendly" phone call from OWbitch, I don't think any women should be calling a married man to chat. He needs to tell her to stop calling him. Her need for conversation should be fulfilled by her husband or family or female friends.
Geez, it's not that friggin' complicated.

StrongerOne posted 8/16/2013 20:28 PM

Heathenchristian,
He is not trying very hard. Why did he have this most recent phone call at all? Why did he even pick it up? If he didn't know it was her when he picked up, why did he keep talking once he knew it was her?

He needs to practice this:
Don't pick up the f'n call when it's an inappropriate caller.

If he accidentally picks up a call from an inappropriate caller, he needs to say, It is inappropriate for us to speak or have any sort of relationship. I have to hang up now. And then he needs to *hang up*

authenticnow posted 8/16/2013 21:29 PM

Sadwife,

Please follow the Reconciliation Forum guidelines.

A wonderful place to share your struggles, success stories and triggers while trying to reconcile.It's a long road, but you can do it! There is to be no venting about or name calling the OP in this forum.

Thank you.

blakesteele posted 8/16/2013 21:53 PM

Defensiveness = lack of remorse.

I am assuming you both agreed full transparency is a requirement. You should feel no guilt. I felt guilt early on when my wife would see me with her cell phone. Now I don't...but most of the time I alert her to the fact I am looking at it.

If nothing is to hide they should be able to handle this in stride.

This is a big deal to BS. The only reason this is even a part of our lives now is because of WS's actions.


This is tuff...hang in there.

How do you start the conversation? I am not much on games so I wouldn't act like I didn't know. But that makes me appear aggressive and can but my wife into defensive postures.

If my above assumptions are correct regarding transparency...." I recently read ....... on your phone. It pains me a great deal to read that." And just stop there.

This is where I still believe the heavy lifting needs to be done by WS...if you say too much you will either lay the groundwork for him to just agree with your thoughts and avoid really owning and recognizing his actions OR you will trigger his defensiveness and he will use your many words as reasons to justify his defensiveness.

Less is more. WS are grownups....though there affairs were "teenage like" in most ways, they are adults. They can figure out what the issues are surrounding this type of activity.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:01 PM, August 16th (Friday)]

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