when I have to fight the urge to call xOM. I know, intellectually that it's not xOM but the feelings and chemical reactions and all that that I am craving. I am craving intimacy and wanting to feel safe and protected because the more I find out about WH's A, the more angry and sad and depressed I get.
He remembered more yesterday and it brings into sharp focus what he and OW were all flirty about on Twitter. Yes, I went and looked. No, it's not healthy, but I now know, at least, part of the puzzle of what his EA consisted of.
And it HURTS. It hurts that he felt like this was NOT what he was getting at home even though he WAS. And it hurts so FUCKING bad that I want to call my xOM and poor my heart out.
Instead, I'm posting here because this is the only safe fucking place right now. WH is at a Buddhist meeting getting all positive vibes and what have you. I'm at home because I can't DEAL with people right now. I'm too mad. I'm too sad.
I want to call him and tell him to come home immediately, but I know that if he does, he won't see a weeping, crying me; he'll see a wrathful she-demon because the anger keeps him at bay, it puts him on his guard and it keeps him the FUCK away from me.
Is that the best way to build intimacy? No. Do I want intimacy with him? Yes. Why won't I let myself have it? Because when I look him in the face all I can see is the man that murdered my fucking husband and trashed his fucking family FOR. NO. FUCKING. REASON.
I'm not a saint. I did the same with my EA/PA, but dammit! This is the start of trigger season: August 2011 was when they reconnected; Sept 2011 - Nov 2012 is when (I think) the EA truly began and lasted up until my fucking surgery. Oh, and let's not forget jolly old round 2 of the sexcapades.
I hate him and I love him and this is tearing me apart, and I just want to be comforted, but I'm struggling with letting him be the one to do it.
Yes, I hurt him with my EA/PA, and that fucking sucks.
This just fucking SUCKS.