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Well, I figured I would say hello and make myself known. I will post my full story later.(I'm on my phone)but here are the basics: found out my wife had an A with her boss about three years ago. It lasted about two to three months with approximately 13 sexual encounters. I'm not one to be emotional however this has been tough. For her part she came to me with the truth and has been completely open to doing whatever is needed for a reconciliation. We have been married for almost six years now (highschool sweethearts)and have two children and another on the way. I found out she was pregnant about two weeks after I found out about the A. It is tough and I hope that in time I can come to a better understanding of the situation I'm faced with. Well, hope you all understand that I wish I never even needed to meet you, but now that I have found this place I look forward to healing alongside you. Hope this finds you all...as well as you can be.

[This message edited by mrniceguy26 at 11:24 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)]

Hi 26,

lots of guys here - you are NOT alone in your pain.

MrNiceGuy,
Welcome to the group, there is a lot of support here. You are having a normal response regardless of whether you normally get emotional or not. Betrayal hurts. In reading your post, I am reading her A is over now, and has been for about 3 years, but you are just finding out...is that correct?

The challenge will be for her, she has put it behind her. For you, it is as if it just happened today. It is also normal to doubt everything over the last three years as to the validity of your marriage and the "realness" of it when such a betrayal has occurred.

The healing library (located in the upper right corner in the yellow box) has a lot of very good information to help you navigate through this. The important thing right now is to take care of yourself. Eat, drink and try to get some rest. Decisions do not have to be made now. You have time to do that regardless of the direction you are thinking.

Post here as much as you need. There is a lot of collective wisdom here.

I am four years out from my WH A....it does get better.

You're not alone. 6 more weeks until my WS due date, all I think about is that paternity test. Best wishes.

Thank you for your support. Yes brkn_heartd that is correct I just found out about it but the A happened three years ago.
Landoes - thank you and good luck with that test. I'm not too worried about my girls being mine, however my oldest was conceived about one month after the A so it has crossed my mind and it is one of the cruelest parts of this type of betrayal, not being sure if the most precious thing in your life is yours.

^^^ I know this is just a horrible shock to you. Lord knows, we've all been there. But I just wanted to say, you were there while your daughter was being born. You've raised and are raising her, love and are loving her, and have been her father since day 1 in every way that truly is important. Don't let anyone taint those memories nor take one day of love away, that you and your child have shared. (((hugs)))

hi mrniceguy26,
Sorry you have to be here but you're not alone and you'll find some of the nicest people here.

Affairs are quite the shit sandwich and no matter how much pepper or ketchup you try to put on it over the next few months, it's still gonna taste like shit so buckle up.

So this affair ended 3 years ago? Do you think there may have been more she hasn't told you about? Does she still work with this same boss? Has she gone 100% transparent, i.e. all email access, cell phone, etc. etc.? Is he married? Has she submitted (as well as you) to STD tests? Do you feel you'll need paternity tests to give closure to your own children?

These are just some of the things that you should be processing to see which you will need to properly heal, but everyone is different. It's hard to trust a partner when they have been lying to you for years... so it's perfectly normal and NOT paranoid at all to declare some ground-rules to help make the relationship "safe" for you in order to recover.

Good luck to you man!

Well, hope you all understand that I wish I never even needed to meet you

No worries - i think we ALL feel/felt like that when stumbling across this site. There are lots of supportive people here (men and women) that can understand.

Thanks everyone,

Medium rare - Yes it ended three years ago, it stopped after we moved. They no longer work in the same place but they do work in the same district. I have laid strict ground rules and one of them is that she fully discloses all contact with him work related or other wise and that she is not to contact him unless for work and she is to disclose this info immediately. She has committed to 100% transparency and has volunteered all info to her accounts. She finally told me after I had been working on my issues for her and when she saw the work I was doing for us the guilt was too much I guess. She broke down after I had her watch the Victor Marx Story with me because I thought it might help her with her childhood abuse issues. After the show we were talking and it finally came out. we haven't yet gone to the doctors but we may in the next few weeks, nothing has physically manifested and if it is internal then after three years a few weeks shouldn't hurt. Yes he was married at the time but he has since divorced, I know at the time his daughter was suffering from a life threatening illness. To her credit my wife is doing a lot to help with this process and while it kills me that I cannot be sure she will remain faithful I feel that she is truly remorseful. She has committed to be 100% truthful and to disclose any temptation in the future. I have been lurking on here and I almost feel bad even posting because some of the WS are treating the BS so cruelly and my wife is at least try to reconcile.

Skan - thank you and I will NEVER not love my daughters with every fiber of my being, even if the worst was discovered I would die for any or all of my girls with out a seconds hesitation.

Thanks again for the support I am typing out the story now but it may take a few days there is a lot of detail. Did I mention the obsession phase is nuts, I squandered every detail I could and I am still to some extent trying to track down where I was and the actual dates they were together. I know it may not help but I feel I cannot rest until I can say to myself "You have taken this case as far as humanly possible."

Again, thank you all for your input and support. As well as your time I do not have anyone to talk to about this issue so thanks again.

Hugs, and so sorry you are here like the rest of us. I too continue to search for evidence, of what? I don't know- it is really just more details and all they do is make me feel sad. I know there was an A, he admitted it, we are supposed to be working through it, and I am obsessed with finding out more. Why? because when I ask questions, he just keeps telling me he doesn't remember, or it doesn't matter if we intend to move forward. I told him it does matter to me though, and that the secrets are haunting me because my own mind is conjures up far more scandalous scenarios than any he could tell me. I send hugs, and stay vigilant. I think knowledge is power, and even if we used that power to heal, then it has helped in some way.