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WH no longer a hero

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RightTrack posted 8/15/2013 00:07 AM

WH has been gone for his LEO duties for three days straight. I know that he is working on a string of big operations but these are the kinds of hours he kept while he was having the affair.

Just taking care of the kids by myself for a few days puts me back in that "single mom" mode I was in while he was whoring around.

Then, I thought we were all a good LEO family "sacrificing" for our safer community. I was so proud of him.

I don't know if these three days are so much of a trigger as they are slap of reality.

I think now I compartmentalize when he is home and desperately try to just live in the moment and forget the past years BUT then a string of nights like these come up and it forces me to remember. Basically, I can forget about the bad past when the present is good.

Not too different from how he was able to forget about me when she was giving him blowjobs.

He tried to call me up between raids to tell me about the arrests. All I remember is how he would call her for hours a day to talk about work to her.

He's not a hero to me anymore. I don't care what he's doing at work. It's not worth the sacrifice anymore.

Maybe it's just the stress of working and taking care of the kids alone (applause for all the single parents!). Maybe feeling OK when he's here and DONE when he's gone is just part of the rollercoaster.

Anyone worked through similar feelings?

silverhopes posted 8/15/2013 03:13 AM

I don't care what he's doing at work. It's not worth the sacrifice anymore.

Totally makes sense. I'm sorry that you're going through this now. Hope that your H will come home soon and then not be gone so much, and not gone overnight anymore. Is there any way he can change this?

Have experienced it too, though my situation wasn't as serious. H wasn't a community hero, but he used to make food for some nursing students (all pretty girls) when they would come to our group home. Everyone always spoke so well of him for it. I imagined it was a KISA thing to get pretty girls to appreciate him. He hit on counselors more than once too, fairly explicitly, then told me he "had to" so they wouldn't bother us about our relationship. Pissed me off that their admiration of him was feeding his self-justifications that what he was doing wasn't borderline cheating and was in fact a *good* thing to be doing. Felt guilty that I didn't appreciate him for being so good to others, for being such a gentlemen (not the same as a hero, but I think the feelings of admiration might be similar). I did appreciate that about him later, after I detached. Even with things looking up now, any time he does something like that for another girl (he was helping a girl last night), that same detachment returns.

I bet there are a lot of folks here who feel the same way. You're not alone. Does your H know you feel this way?

PurpleBirch posted 8/15/2013 07:47 AM

I feel this way too! My WH is army. Any time he has to work late or go away, it triggers me. I used to be so proud of having a spouse who served overseas, but now I have a hard time respecting him. Also some of the skank military girls around here... I hate thinking that my WH might let himself get into the same situation with another one of them.

(I have met some classy girls who are in the military, it just seems like the majority around here are just not)

wifeno2 posted 8/15/2013 08:28 AM

My WH is also LEO. And used his job as an excuse meet with his MCOW. (analyst)

They still work together. Every day.

He still has legitimate reasons to work late etc. For awhile he would send me pics from where he was. Which was somewhat helpful. But I triggered hard all the time about it.

I can tell you that three years out it doesn't trigger me anymore. Well, not usually.

But like yours, mine is a big time KISA. That hasn't changed. It's hard to watch because I know that it will always put him at risk to cheat again. And of course there are some very savvy badge bunnies out there.

Time does help. But then again, I also sort of stopped caring...

RightTrack posted 8/15/2013 19:45 PM

Badge Bunnies! That term always cracks me up, it's so pitiful.

I thought having a WS serving overseas would be difficult for the same reasons. Thank you , I don't feel so crazy.

SecondHelping posted 8/15/2013 21:52 PM

fWWs AP is a LEO (see tag line) and he used to meet her on duty time and use his duty email to sext her.

I reported him but he still has his job. I guess he really IS entitled!

SecondHelping posted 8/17/2013 20:49 PM

Here is a thread that is dedicated to WSs who are police/LEOs.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=313695&AP=261

Sad in AZ posted 8/17/2013 21:55 PM

I was M to a LEO; Retired NYPD and currently AZDOC. I was so proud of the X that I was going to write a book about him, about his life and experiences... Needless to say, that book will never be written.

RightTrack posted 8/23/2013 19:22 PM

SAD in AZ,
I was half way through my book! ( 150 pages) and was looking for publishers when I found out about OW! I haven't been able to touch that book again but if I do I think I'll kill off his character.

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