Yep, this is how things will most likely be for you. I have never seen swings like the ones that we have experienced for the last 20 months. The weight of our situation is crushing at times. The past few months I have woken up for work, then gone and laid my fat ass down in the shower and let the water hit me while I ponder what our life has become and find the strength to face the day. But it has gotten better for us. The intensity of the bad days has not decreased, BUT the number of good days has increased. A few tips for you, based on my mistakes and observations along the way:
The "rollercoaster" does a good job of describing the ups and downs of R. However, I think people typically ride rollercoasters for pleasure... There is nothing fun about this. I think the bad days are like standing on a beach and looking up to see a tsunami bearing down on you. You have no time to get to high ground, you are going to be swallowed by it; You see it coming, but it's too late. What to do now? You can't hope to stop it, you can't fight it... It's coming. Don't struggle, you'll just wear yourself out and will surely drown.Just go with it, and try to keep your head above water by comforting your wife if she wants your comfort, or giving her space if she wants to be alone. Maybe the intensity of the wave will be too intense, and even this is not enough, maybe even without struggling you can't keep it going long enough. And this is a very real possibility. We knew it was a possibility when we chose to go outside of our marriage. We can't be angry at the wave, can we? But maybe you'll be able to keep your head above water long enough for the waters to recede and leave you once again on dry land. Hopefully, in time you will become more attuned to your wife's feelings and you'll see the wave coming sooner, and be better prepared to take a deep breath before it hits. In the end, you'll br able to see it coming early enough to get to high ground and head off her feelings at the pass, maybe even defusing them before they hit. Once you are at this stage, you can start building defenses like sea walls that will prevent the waves from ever striking again. Remember though... Anything manmade can be broken or worn down. Take the time to inspect the defenses occasionally to make sure the barriers that are necessary to keep your marriage safe are in good working order.
Make sure you REALLY look deep inside for the answers to her questions. I went the TT method... It doesn't work. Like the world's biggest band-aid stuck to your hairy leg, just rip that shit off and get the pain over with so you can get down to business. From the WS side, it is a crushing blow to have your genuine efforts negated by that detail you kept to yourself when it finally comes out. Just get it all out there.
And your wife doesn't hate you. She hates what you did. It is painful for her to say nice things to you. When she does, make sure you realize how much effort she made to do it, and appreciate how special that moment was.
I'm typing on my phone, so I tend to ramble. I hope some of this will help you on your journey. Good luck to you... It's a brutal ride to a happy place.
[This message edited by TimeToManUp at 8:36 AM, August 15th (Thursday)]
I know we're worth it.
WH/BH (Me-36) EA 11/11-12/11
BW/WW (tattoodchinadoll-34) EA early 2016, PA 8/16-9/16, Continued to 12/16 after discovery.
Together nearly 20 years, married for 14.
Three daughters, 12, 8 and 5.