But today is a different day. My BW is angry. Really angry. It feel like all of the headway that we have made over the past couple of days has all been thrown out the window and that we're right back to square one. I know that this in it's infancy and that there is a very long and difficult road ahead. Is this what we have to look forward to....two decent days followed by one, two or ten bad ones?
I can tell you, it's going to get a lot worse before it gets better.
It really is a roller coaster ride.
- an impossible inability to communicate
This was a HUGE problem for us. We read a book called "The Marriage You've always dreamed of" by Dr. Greg Smalley. It is a very faith based book, but the activities in it really opened our eyes, and helped along our communication.
"The 5 love languages" helped a lot too!
The act of reading these together, and discussing them, opened up the door to our increased communication.
Also IC helped me open up too.
My old coping mechanism was to wall off, and not give anything. I had NO idea how to communicate anything of importance.
I would curl up in a ball and hide, quite literally, face down, knees up to my chest, arms wrapped around me.
It's a process. Sometimes slow and frustrating, sometimes huge leaps forward, followed by steps back.
It's incredibly painful for both sides.
Be honest. Practice communicating. Be transparent. Buckle up.
It does get better.
Another good read is "How to Help your spouse heal from your affair". Get this one! Like yesterday.
It's a quick read that is tremendously helpful!!
"Your secrets keep you sick"
The "rollercoaster" does a good job of describing the ups and downs of R. However, I think people typically ride rollercoasters for pleasure... There is nothing fun about this. I think the bad days are like standing on a beach and looking up to see a tsunami bearing down on you. You have no time to get to high ground, you are going to be swallowed by it; You see it coming, but it's too late. What to do now? You can't hope to stop it, you can't fight it... It's coming. Don't struggle, you'll just wear yourself out and will surely drown.Just go with it, and try to keep your head above water by comforting your wife if she wants your comfort, or giving her space if she wants to be alone. Maybe the intensity of the wave will be too intense, and even this is not enough, maybe even without struggling you can't keep it going long enough. And this is a very real possibility. We knew it was a possibility when we chose to go outside of our marriage. We can't be angry at the wave, can we? But maybe you'll be able to keep your head above water long enough for the waters to recede and leave you once again on dry land. Hopefully, in time you will become more attuned to your wife's feelings and you'll see the wave coming sooner, and be better prepared to take a deep breath before it hits. In the end, you'll br able to see it coming early enough to get to high ground and head off her feelings at the pass, maybe even defusing them before they hit. Once you are at this stage, you can start building defenses like sea walls that will prevent the waves from ever striking again. Remember though... Anything manmade can be broken or worn down. Take the time to inspect the defenses occasionally to make sure the barriers that are necessary to keep your marriage safe are in good working order.
Make sure you REALLY look deep inside for the answers to her questions. I went the TT method... It doesn't work. Like the world's biggest band-aid stuck to your hairy leg, just rip that shit off and get the pain over with so you can get down to business. From the WS side, it is a crushing blow to have your genuine efforts negated by that detail you kept to yourself when it finally comes out. Just get it all out there.
And your wife doesn't hate you. She hates what you did. It is painful for her to say nice things to you. When she does, make sure you realize how much effort she made to do it, and appreciate how special that moment was.
I'm typing on my phone, so I tend to ramble. I hope some of this will help you on your journey. Good luck to you... It's a brutal ride to a happy place.
[This message edited by TimeToManUp at 8:36 AM, August 15th (Thursday)]
I think that it was the extreme swing and sudden anger that hit me the most. I thought that we were doing as well as could be expected under the circumstances. There was open and honest dialogue and honestly, I've shared more and deeper stuff with my wife in the past week than in the past ten years combined. And right there is the root of all of my problems. It's amazing to see just how damaging things can be to other people, when you are constantly worried about protecting yourself and unwilling to open up and share. I see the pain and hurt and hate that I've caused, and know that the simple inability to talk about myself, my wants, desires and fears has put me here and so badly hurt somebody that I love and care about.
And that's the rub...I've spent so long keeping everything bottled up, that now that I am forced to share and be honest, that it hurts so much. It seems that whatever I say, it causes more pain. A double edged sword. If I stay clammed up, I'm not being honest and truthful and while in the midst of trying to work this out, that is the last thing I want to do. But then when I do answer the questions that she asks, I get attacked for what I tell her. It's taking everything that I have to not retreat back inside...it really is. But there will be no chance at all of R if I do that, so I guess this is my cross to bare.
Nothing about R is fun, and nothing about it is easy. I have been a pretty good example of what NOT to do if you wish to R for a long time. Do yourself and your wife a HUGE favor and don't follow the path I did.
I don't know why, but your bandage and tsunami comparisons struck me in a similar way. Simple and logical things that make sense. Why in the hell couldn't I think that way myself?
If you walk down a hall and a man hurriedly pops out of a door and slams it shut, clothes torn, bleeding and sweaty and he tells you "Do NOT go in there!" You should probably listen to him.
[This message edited by TimeToManUp at 10:46 AM, August 15th (Thursday)]