SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well I don't know where to start but I am a newbie. I found out two weeks ago he's been cheating on me for more than I care to admit. For so long I trusted him and I feel like a fool now. We've been married 21 years and this year he forgot our anniversary. We've been together 27. I feel like I've wasted those 27 years. The only good that has come out of this marriage are my two children. He hasn't been the nicest person for the last 3 years. I pretty much lost respect for him because of that and I haven't been taking care of him like I should. He probably resents that like I resent his behavior. I kind of feel like I pushed him into a relationship by not being there but I was disgusted by his drinking and going out 3/4 nights a week with his buddies. So now he goes out and his buddies cover for him. I think this has been going on for over a year and I didn't want to see it. In retrospect, the signs were all there. He even went so far as to try to bring the OW to our house with the kids and me home in their inebriated state. He succeeded the second time. I woke up to find her on my couch at 4:30 am. Needless to say, I was extremely nice because my kids were in bed sleeping. We're supposed to go see a counselor tomorrow but I don't see the point. He's out with her tonight. I've been too nice and trusting for too long which is how he got away with it for so long. If he thinks I'm staying married, he's got another thing coming. I'll go to the counselor and go through the motions for a little while because i want to hear what he has to say. With all the proof I have, he still denies anything is going on and says they're just friends. They can have each other. As far as I'm concerned, there's nothing to save. I've tried to kick him out but he won't leave. He can't have his cake and eat it too. I may have been young and naive when he met me but I've toughened up over the years. He's got a tough battle to fight. His entire family and mine knows what is going on and I don't try to hide it. I've been suspicious for a while but when I saw her in my house that was the end of it. I am so ready for this to be over so I can move on. Am I in fight/defense mode now? Will I crash later?

UPDATE 8-19-2013

So he's been pretty nice these last few days almost too nice. Even my 16 year old asked if he was feeling guilty. (She has no clue.) We went to a very nice family dinner Saturday with the kids and daughter's boyfriend. Then I did a BBQ and more family time on Sunday. Today kids went to movies and we went for a drink. Sounds great doesn't it? Well that's where it all ended. I've been asking for him to be honest and I've been pushing so I shouldn't complain but I wasn't expecting what I was about to hear. I asked him how many there have been thinking he might say 2, 3 even 4 or 5. Well, multiply that by 3 (the 5 that is) Well he finally broke me. Not to mention, I think the waitress was one of them. He had the nerve to tell me I wasn't being social with her. Well excuse me if I no longer give a shit about neing nice to a whore that slept with my husband. And to think I thought she was actually a decent person. I don't know how much more I can handle. I'm totally devastated. I thought I could handle it but it's way more than I ever expected. On top of that, I read his text messages and he's meeting his current whore for lunch tomorrow. Then they're meeting again Wednesday after his supposed after work function that he wants me to buy him a new outfit for. I haven't decided if he's the crazy one or I am. We go to counseling again on Thursday. I'm beginning to think he isn't worth it. I thought he was trying but it's more like he's just trying to fake everything. Now I don't know what to do. This comes after I told family members today that he has been better. (They asked me.) Maybe I should stop asking for details. I thought it would be better if I found out all at once instead of hearing bits and pieces over time. I thought it would save me from reliving his "indiscretions" every time something popped up. In retrospect and to quote Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men, "you can't handle the truth." I still haven't figured out if he truly wants to reconcile like he says he does and he's having a difficult time breaking things off or he's just stringing me along. He swings from both sides and I'm still giving him the benefit of the doubt. I'm trying to believe he has a heart but he keeps proving me wrong. I asked him if he thought about how I feel discovering what he has done. I asked what if I cheated on him and how he would feel. He told me to go do the same. He actually gave me permission to sleep around which only makes me think that he thinks it's ok to do what he has done. Sometimes I would love to do what he suggested but I told him I have morals (which is what he lacks). Let's see what MC brings this week. This will definitely be a major point of discussion. I may not have been anywhere near a perfect wife but trust and honesty are the building blocks of any relationship and mine just crumbled.

[This message edited by Alexa at 12:02 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

Hi Alexa

I am sorry for the reason that brings you to this community, but you have joined a great group of people who will support you and can relate to your situation.

The first advice I will give you is to take care of yourself first as it is extremely upsetting to deal with infidelity. Have a look at the Healing Library ( yellow tab on the left) for some advice - some experienced SIer will be along to give you some advice.

((Alexa)) I am sorry about your situation and feel your pain.

Welcome. Right now in addition to seeing a counselor, see an attorney and find out your rights, start getting your ducks in a row.

Your emotions could change from day to day. But taking action will help you feel in control of your life, which I suspect you have felt out of control for sometime with his drinking and now his cheating.

Hang in there

Hi Alexa. Hate seeing you here but we are all in the same boat . My stbxw cheated and denied and lied and emotionally tortured so I feel your pain and understand what a mess you are in . First off you have to most importantly put you and your kids first ! You are with him for a long time and I'm sure you know the truth deep inside as I did also . I ignored my gut and made excuses and I let her make me believe I was jealous and insecure. Do not let him manipulate you . You deserve better! I don't know you personally but I know that nobody deserves what we are going through. Going out drinking 4 nights a week? When you are married with kids ? Come on . Did you always tolerate that or is this new behavior? Bringing another female to your home ? Alexa you deserve better and of course the anger is normal . I'm sure you love him and don't want this but you didn't choose it . All relationships have issues mine too I was not perfect as I'm sure you are not either but for me infidelity was the deal breaker . After I caught my wife in a hotel I was unbelievably devastated , we also had two young kids . I thought about them at that moment and the message I would send them if I tolerated that in my marriage . Stay strong and take care of you first ,talk to a lawyer and get your options ,use your anger wisely but do not tolerate the infidelity ( in my opinion) because you deserve better. As far as seeing a counselor I think this is a waste from my experience my stbxw just lied and diverted and manipulated the therapist and turned it around to focus on me . I'm not saying that will happen to you but cheaters have similar if not identical actions as you will see if you read the posts on this site and books. If your mind is made up already then follow through. I hope my advice helped and once again I am sorry for the mess you are in. Good luck in your journey and stay reading this site there are a lot of people who can help . If I can suggest a book for you to read I would tell you to read " not just friends" by Shirley glass.

Alexa, you need to be kind to yourself first. Take care of yourself and your children.

Assess what it is that you want: do you want to save your marriage or not? Can it be saved?

From there you can decide what to do.

I decided not to do R- like you stated it would be a waste of my time. I am filing for divorce to save further heartache and a life I don't want. This is an extreme and final measure.

Be sure before you do anything - your WH may need to be shocked out of his stupidity and he will need to give up his OW.

The bottom line is he should not be able to have you and OP. he needs to make a choice or you will make a choice for yourself.

I'm gonna bust his balls. I am taking care of me and my kids. They come before him, always have. He wasn't always a partier so to speak until the last 3 years. I let it get this far because we had other issues. I didn't try to stop him. I have to admit it was quiet and peaceful when he wasn't around. I believed he was just with his guy friends. I really did trust him. Now I'm on a mission to break them up. It doesn't matter if I stay with him or not but she won't have him either. I texted her husband and hopefully he'll be all over her about it. I want him to feel the misery I am feeling. I will get in every possible dig I can get into him until I put an end to his relationship. Then when I'm good and ready, I'll most likely divorce him. Not sure when, but it will happen one day. I just don't see myself staying married to a person like him until I'm old and grey. My mom said to stay until the kids are done with high school and use his money in the meantime. Lol She is a divorcee from the early 70's when divorce was a stigma.

I notice you are from Michigan. Online research indicates that Michigan is one of the few states that still consider adultery a felony (sex crime type?). The charges have to be brought within a year of adultery and by the spouse.

This law may not be prosecuted a lot but depending on bad it gets maybe your attorney can give you advice on whether it would help in your situation.

Just wanted to give you some ammo in case you really mean you want to "bust his balls"...

Also I've read that when the adultery and affair is brought into the marital home that judges tend to give more favorable divorce settlement to faithful spouse. The article I read was written by a Grand Rapids Michigan attorney who said he made his client (the cheater) settle out of court and give the faithful spouse more because the judge would have been harsher because it smacks at their conscience. Equitable distribution doesn't always mean equal. This would also help when it comes to custody, spousal support and child support.

And since you and your kids were in the house at the time I think that would smack at the judge's conscience even more.

If this were me and he brings her in the house again I would call the police and have them remove her (good documentation also). Then I would see if it would be possible to get a restraining order on her to keep her away from my home, me and my kids. Drunk or not it would take a "mental case" to boldly go into someone's home like that.

[This message edited by whattheh at 4:27 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]

Whattheh - Thank you so much for the info!!! 😊

I did not know adultery was a felony in Michigan. I'm going to look that up and educate myself. I will definitely push that issue in my defense given what you are telling me. Although as dumb as he is and he's done some pretty dumb shit, I don't think he will bring her here again. If he does, next time I won't be so nice. I only did that for the kids' sake.

Yes, Michigan is a no-fault state. You are right. Sometimes judges take other factors into consideration when deciding who gets what. I definitely want this house. I will not leave under any circumstances.

You need to see a lawyer ASAP. Find out what your rights are. Take half the money and put it into an account only you can access. Get his name off any joint credit cards you have.

Take care of this business now. Don't wait until he dissipates the assets and hides the money. File now, why wait?