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how to get rid of the ghosts.

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bushbaby posted 8/15/2013 07:10 AM

I am now over three years into a new relationship with a wonderful man, living with him and his three beautiful boys......

And waiting for the shoe to drop. Try as I will, I still have the insecurities....I check his phone, his emails....I suspect him of dark secrets...is he secretly gay? FOR NO REASON!! there are no flags. Every check comes out clear, but I still have this horrible feeling.

How can I make the ghosts go away? I want to be able to love my new man, and build a "happy ever after" instead of waiting for the day when it comes to a horrible end

heartbroken30 posted 8/15/2013 07:25 AM

I see that your dday was 4 years ago, but your dating you SO over 3....did you do IC? Perhaps you didn't have enough time to fully heal? Are you in IC now? It sounds to me that you need to do more work on yourself. If he has given you no reason to be suspicious, it's not fair to him to check his phone and email. Have you discussed your fears with him?

cmego posted 8/15/2013 07:54 AM

If he does have a dark secret...there is nothing you can do about it. All you can do is love and hope he is who he says he is. Sometimes you just gotta leap to trust again, without dragging your past with you.

bushbaby posted 8/15/2013 08:44 AM

I never did IC.....I live in a small town in Central Africa, so the only real counselling available here is very Christian, and I am not overly religious....

I have discussed it with him, and he says he loves me, will not cheat, and does not know how to reassure me. He is not the demonstrative type, but that is par for the course for men around here

I just don't know how to get rid of the demons of my past

Amazonia posted 8/15/2013 09:08 AM

Have you expressed your concerns to your SO? Has he reassured you otherwise?

I would honestly say to stop checking his phone, stop checking his email. By investigating where there is no cause, you feed the beast of fear and insecurity. Trust can be a choice, and you can retrain your mind to focus on the positives. When you are tempted to check his info, instead tell yourself out loud that you trust him because he is a good man who is faithful, respects you, loves you, treats you well, etc. and then find something else to do to occupy yourself.

chikastuff posted 8/15/2013 09:51 AM

There are therapists who do online/skype sessions. Perhaps that's an option for you?

better4me posted 8/15/2013 13:31 PM

There are some self help books that may be of some benefit. I'll PM you with titles.

homewrecked2011 posted 8/15/2013 20:08 PM

Bushbaby,, this is what my counselor told me.

The more you invest in a relationship, the more you have to lose. Therefore, it is reasonable that you feel this way. She recommends doing a lot of things that you like to do to keep your self image strong.

fireproof posted 8/15/2013 21:36 PM

Trust yourself that you been through it once and you survived and you are strong enough to handle it again if you have to.

Enjoy the time you do have- not to be depressing but there are no guarantees of life - affairs, accidents, etc. Let go and know you can handle whatever comes and soak up life.

bushbaby posted 8/16/2013 05:16 AM

Thank you all for the help....it really seems I have a lot more to do myself to rebuild properly. (Or does one ever really get over it?)

I have a really amazing man, who fortunately for me is very understanding, despite having a lot of baggage of his own, which he is a LOT better at dealing with than I seem to be!

Trust, love and working on the ghosts is the order of the day!

TXanTB posted 8/18/2013 15:30 PM

I am ready to stop backsliding too. It isn't fair to my SO that the ghosts of my ex and OW effect our life. I'm secretly scared that this relationship will fail because of them.

I hate this.

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