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Newest Member: HeartbrokenQueen

New Beginnings :
how to get rid of the ghosts.

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 bushbaby (original poster member #22921) posted at 1:10 PM on Thursday, August 15th, 2013

I am now over three years into a new relationship with a wonderful man, living with him and his three beautiful boys......

And waiting for the shoe to drop. Try as I will, I still have the insecurities....I check his phone, his emails....I suspect him of dark secrets...is he secretly gay? FOR NO REASON!! there are no flags. Every check comes out clear, but I still have this horrible feeling.

How can I make the ghosts go away? I want to be able to love my new man, and build a "happy ever after" instead of waiting for the day when it comes to a horrible end

I'm alive. They say it's gonna rain, but I'll survive....I know I'm crying out, but I'm in pain....
Me BS, 39
WH 47 D twice
M 8 years
Daughter and Son 15 & 13 from his 2nd marriage raised as mine
DDay 13 Feb 09. Divorcing

posts: 122   ·   registered: Feb. 19th, 2009
id 6449336
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heartbroken30 ( member #18437) posted at 1:25 PM on Thursday, August 15th, 2013

I see that your dday was 4 years ago, but your dating you SO over 3....did you do IC? Perhaps you didn't have enough time to fully heal? Are you in IC now? It sounds to me that you need to do more work on yourself. If he has given you no reason to be suspicious, it's not fair to him to check his phone and email. Have you discussed your fears with him?

Me - BS 42
Kids 12 and 9
Divorced

posts: 1846   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2008   ·   location: NY
id 6449345
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cmego ( member #30346) posted at 1:54 PM on Thursday, August 15th, 2013

If he does have a dark secret...there is nothing you can do about it. All you can do is love and hope he is who he says he is. Sometimes you just gotta leap to trust again, without dragging your past with you.

me...BS, 46 years old.
Divorced

posts: 4745   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2010   ·   location: South
id 6449372
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 bushbaby (original poster member #22921) posted at 2:44 PM on Thursday, August 15th, 2013

I never did IC.....I live in a small town in Central Africa, so the only real counselling available here is very Christian, and I am not overly religious....

I have discussed it with him, and he says he loves me, will not cheat, and does not know how to reassure me. He is not the demonstrative type, but that is par for the course for men around here

I just don't know how to get rid of the demons of my past

I'm alive. They say it's gonna rain, but I'll survive....I know I'm crying out, but I'm in pain....
Me BS, 39
WH 47 D twice
M 8 years
Daughter and Son 15 & 13 from his 2nd marriage raised as mine
DDay 13 Feb 09. Divorcing

posts: 122   ·   registered: Feb. 19th, 2009
id 6449420
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Amazonia ( member #32810) posted at 3:08 PM on Thursday, August 15th, 2013

Have you expressed your concerns to your SO? Has he reassured you otherwise?

I would honestly say to stop checking his phone, stop checking his email. By investigating where there is no cause, you feed the beast of fear and insecurity. Trust can be a choice, and you can retrain your mind to focus on the positives. When you are tempted to check his info, instead tell yourself out loud that you trust him because he is a good man who is faithful, respects you, loves you, treats you well, etc. and then find something else to do to occupy yourself.

"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

posts: 14469   ·   registered: Jul. 17th, 2011
id 6449446
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chikastuff ( member #35288) posted at 3:51 PM on Thursday, August 15th, 2013

There are therapists who do online/skype sessions. Perhaps that's an option for you?

Me- 32
Happily engaged and moving on

posts: 382   ·   registered: Apr. 9th, 2012   ·   location: New England
id 6449504
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better4me ( member #30341) posted at 7:31 PM on Thursday, August 15th, 2013

There are some self help books that may be of some benefit. I'll PM you with titles.

DDay 11/17/2010 BW:58
Happily remarried!

posts: 4246   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2010   ·   location: Missouri
id 6449833
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homewrecked2011 ( member #34678) posted at 2:08 AM on Friday, August 16th, 2013

Bushbaby,, this is what my counselor told me.

The more you invest in a relationship, the more you have to lose. Therefore, it is reasonable that you feel this way. She recommends doing a lot of things that you like to do to keep your self image strong.

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child. Dday 12/19/11I went to an attorney and had him served. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!D final10/30/2012Me-55

posts: 5513   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2012
id 6450401
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fireproof ( member #36126) posted at 3:36 AM on Friday, August 16th, 2013

Trust yourself that you been through it once and you survived and you are strong enough to handle it again if you have to.

Enjoy the time you do have- not to be depressing but there are no guarantees of life - affairs, accidents, etc. Let go and know you can handle whatever comes and soak up life.

posts: 1563   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2012
id 6450493
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 bushbaby (original poster member #22921) posted at 11:16 AM on Friday, August 16th, 2013

Thank you all for the help....it really seems I have a lot more to do myself to rebuild properly. (Or does one ever really get over it?)

I have a really amazing man, who fortunately for me is very understanding, despite having a lot of baggage of his own, which he is a LOT better at dealing with than I seem to be!

Trust, love and working on the ghosts is the order of the day!

I'm alive. They say it's gonna rain, but I'll survive....I know I'm crying out, but I'm in pain....
Me BS, 39
WH 47 D twice
M 8 years
Daughter and Son 15 & 13 from his 2nd marriage raised as mine
DDay 13 Feb 09. Divorcing

posts: 122   ·   registered: Feb. 19th, 2009
id 6450704
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TXanTB ( new member #35889) posted at 9:30 PM on Sunday, August 18th, 2013

I am ready to stop backsliding too. It isn't fair to my SO that the ghosts of my ex and OW effect our life. I'm secretly scared that this relationship will fail because of them.

I hate this.

Me: BS, 39
Him: WH, 44
Her: old, ugly, lonely, pathetic

Kids: my two reasons for getting through each day

posts: 22   ·   registered: Jun. 19th, 2012
id 6453572
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