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Is testing your spouse beneficial or harmful?

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soconfusednow posted 8/15/2013 08:44 AM

My H's OW is someone he had to have contact with for work. He requested NC on personal level and business related items go through a co-worker. His work phone is set(at my request) to ring a different ring tone if the OW calls/texts him, so he knows not to answer it. I have the ability to add another number under the OW's name. I'm tempted to do that just to test him. Not sure if it would be a good or a bad thing. Since we are working on the trust thing, would that undermine everything we have accomplished?

[This message edited by soconfusednow at 8:47 AM, August 15th (Thursday)]

LadyQ posted 8/15/2013 08:48 AM

I think that's probably not a good idea. What would you see happening? What is the goal of the test? What do you plan to do if he "fails"?

Try to think back to your school days, how many pop quizzes did you bomb because you were unprepared? It's almost a situation where you are being set up to fail.

LivingALie posted 8/15/2013 08:52 AM

I have to admit I've thought of "testing" my H too -by sending a spoof email or a spoof phone call - just to see what he would do. We've already talked about what he's "supposed" to do if she contacts him - so it wouldn't be a "pop quizz"

Its probably not a good idea - but just wanted you to know - you're not the only one with these thoughts.

ButterflyGirl posted 8/15/2013 08:58 AM

I could think of a lot of other ways to "test" him that I would do before pretending to be OW.. I do think it would be more harmful than beneficial to you guys.. I never upgraded to I-tips since I came here already months into the process of divorce, but I imagine it could have some great ideas for you to be verifying and validating him and building up some trust without opening that nasty can of worms..

Some off the top of my head would include a VAR in his car, double checking phone records (and text message counts) against his phone to make sure he isn't deleting any, and doing a thorough search of his phone for any apps with which he could be communicating with her. I say that one because my STBX took the A underground using the chat feature on a word game on his phone.. Of course those never show up on a bill..

Sounds to me like you want to trust him, but you need some reassurance. I see nothing wrong with doing some investigations on the down low, but I don't agree with that way of testing him..

confused615 posted 8/15/2013 09:10 AM

I guess it would depend on how soon after dday it is..and why you feel the need to test him.

I actually think it's a really good idea to test a WS shortly after dday. I know this is tropically frowned upon here on SI..and seen as deceitful and manipulative..which I suppose it is.

I wonder how many false R's..or affairs going underground,and undetected for months..and all the pain that comes with both...could be avoided if a BS were to test their WS? If they're going to break NC,or try to take it underground, I would have much rather found that out right after opposed to months later,after some healing had taken place.

And,honestly,I remember those first few weeks. I really wasn't in the mood to care about whether or not I manipulated him..I needed to protect myself. He had already shown me he didn't give a shit about me or my well being(until he was caught...of course). So what is the harm in testing that?

Of course...he could which must be prepared to do *something.* Form an exit plan,file,leave,or whatever is best for you.

Now...I see it differently if you're more than a month or two out from dday..and your WS is doing everything they *should be* doing.

People say it's dangerous to test your WS. To me,the danger lies in trusting to early.'s not dangerous..if they pass. It IS dangerous,though,if they fail..and the BS does nothing.

LadyQ,respectfully,I don't see what OP is suggesting as a "pop quiz." They have discussed the importance of NC..and on the surface her WH seems to be doing what he should. If she sent a fake email from "Ow" he should be prepared..because it has been discussed. And responding to an email is more than just clicking a few buttons. There would have to be some sort of thinking before he responded..or didn't.


[This message edited by confused615 at 9:13 AM, August 15th (Thursday)]

Bobbi_sue posted 8/15/2013 09:14 AM

I have mixed feelings on this topic.

In the early stages of R, I believe things like these tests, or finding information from other sources than what your WS tells you, are ways to verify if he is truthful, honest and sincere. I don't trust lie detector tests at all, but do trust many outside sources of information, and real life "tests" where we can see the results first hand, what they would do if they didn't think we'd find out.

I actually did something like this...I set up a fake email with her name to see if he'd answer and what he would say. My biggest mistake was not having a good plan for determining what was "passing or failing" because we really did not have a conversation or plan for what he should do if she ever "emailed" him. He said she didn't do emails, and didn't even know how to turn a computer on and had no interest in learning (I think now that was true). It was before the days that emailing from a phone, and texting were popular and they didn't text either.

So I was surprised he didn't see through my trick right away, realizing I was the computer savvy one and she didn't have anything to do with computers and email. But he bought it, hook line and sinker and replied to her email. It was very damaging and still showed at the very least he was in conflict avoidance mode, and at worst that he may have actually planned to contact her later to talk further about what happened after I "caught him" with the secret Tracfone.

It was a setback, but I am still not sure that my experience is reason not to do it. As far as the WS being angry at you for "tricking" them, well my attitude was if he really wanted me back, he would understand why I did it and would "get over it" quickly if the trick bothered him.

My H was not angry that I did it, but the way I saw it, he failed the test. He felt he did not fail the test since he did not say anything "lovey dovey" in the email.

Well if one good thing came out of it, we had one hell of a conversation about what WOULD be acceptable IF she ever did email him or try to contact him in anyway.

soconfusednow posted 8/16/2013 06:09 AM

Thanks everyone for helping me think this through & look at it from different angles.

confused- first DD Jan 2013 Last known contact July 2013.(this affair he also had an EA a few years ago with a different W) He has said "it's over" several times and then I would find something new. I want to believe it's over but I'm afraid to trust him. My gut says there is still contact but I can't find any proof. I have seen a lot of positive changes this time that I didn't before.

confused615 posted 8/16/2013 06:19 AM

Last contact was last month..and he has said it was over..many times..and it wasn't.

Yeah...I'd test him. need to decide what you are going to do when/if he fails. What will YOU do..not what will he have to do(consequences)..because it's clear he doesn't care about consequences if he has repeatedly said it was over..and it wasn't. So..this time..if he need to do *something* different. Whatever the consequences have been so far for broken NC..ot taking it underground..haven't mattered to him.

What needs to change is how YOU react to this. If you are prepared to do something else..file..kick him out..etc..then go through with it. If you're not prepared to follow through if he's caught again,lay low,get your ducks in a row,then test him. If he know. If he doesn' have hope.


ladies_first posted 8/16/2013 07:57 AM

If your best friend's will power was being tested (at least 3 times a day) by a strict diet ...

Would you tempt her with rich desserts, double cheese pizza, and shit sandwich hidden by a double layer of frosting?

Andthencraigslis posted 8/16/2013 09:34 AM

The thing about the phone is it is impulsive, ring and answer. I've seen people pick up their phone at a funeral. All kinds of inappropriate places and times. I answered the phone and exchanged pleasantries with a family friend moments after I not just broke but smashed my foot to pieces, I never even told him what happened and said we would call him later... Later he was at the hospital asking me why the hell I didn't tell him what happened so he could get help. I don't have a good answer on the testing, but using the phone to do it , I think you could be setting yourself up for hurt that really doesn't mean anything. And if he manages to not answer, then you just spent some time reminding him of her and proving to yourself that at that moment , on that day he didn't answer. very big risk for potentially very little gain, and reminding him of her is not where your efforts should be, kwim?

1ost0ne posted 8/19/2013 17:10 PM

I did test my WW and very glad I did. Like the original poster, I was able to spoof one of her "Skype friends." That she passed this test was very important to me that she was clean since she wasn't showing any remorse to me.

Yes, it was selfish but I was 2 weeks from DDAY and wanted to be selfish. I came clean when she told me about the texts. If she didn't pass, it would have been yet another lie in the PAs she fed me.

Bobbi_sue posted 8/19/2013 17:48 PM

If your best friend's will power was being tested (at least 3 times a day) by a strict diet ...
Would you tempt her with rich desserts, double cheese pizza, and shit sandwich hidden by a double layer of frosting?

If my H considered the Whore like some tempting food he was having a hard time resisting, I'd tell him to hit the road. I did test my H with a fake email and my situation had mixed results at best, but as I said before, I'm not completely against testing. I just say prepare yourself for the possibilities, and if he "fails" the test, know what your plan is. Is it a deal breaker, or not?

whattheh posted 8/19/2013 18:09 PM

I prefer monitoring over testing.

Ostrich80 posted 8/19/2013 18:20 PM

I've been very tempted to do it but haven't. I guess because I know my ws would say, oh I knew it was you so wouldn't benefit me

BeyondBreaking posted 8/19/2013 20:12 PM

I tested my H a few times. I made fake e-mail accounts, and copied and pasted old messages that he sent out to OW's. I needed to KNOW that if presented with an opportunity, he wouldn't resort to old patterns of behavior.

Advice however: If you are going to test him, have a plan as far as what you are going to do if he fails. Too often they do fail, and then claim that they "knew it was you." Don't fall for that line.

Scubachick posted 8/19/2013 23:48 PM

I just tested my husband by email. I didn't expect him to pass but he did. He told me about it right away.

babbs posted 8/20/2013 01:34 AM

I wish my BS would test me. I would pass and that would be a testament to my wanting to reconcile! I have a feeling he monitors me more than I know and I don't care.

I've told him in the past he can do anything he wants and that I will never call him out on snooping on me. I've given him access to all my passwords etc and tell him everything that could ever even look suspicious before he even has a split second to wonder otherwise. I am fully committed to reconciliation. I will do anything to make my BS feel whole again... If testing me helps him gain trust in me once more by all means DO IT!!!!!

confused615 posted 8/20/2013 10:36 AM

That's really great,scubachick! Im happy for you.

Hi babbs. You sound very remorseful and open to transparency. Good luck with your R.

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