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Is this normal?

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DeMinxed posted 8/15/2013 10:38 AM

[This message edited by DeMinxed at 2:56 PM, August 16th (Friday)]

Aubrie posted 8/15/2013 10:57 AM

Yep, normal. And yep, will stop. Or rather, it can stop. But it takes determination and work.

Have you read this? Might help.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 10:57 AM, August 15th (Thursday)]

DeMinxed posted 8/15/2013 11:06 AM

[This message edited by DeMinxed at 2:56 PM, August 16th (Friday)]

Aubrie posted 8/15/2013 11:18 AM

I remember thinking the same thing. It took time to stick with NC. NC isn't just physical. It's mental too. Does it really matter if he's happy or miserable with his family? I mean, really? He shouldn't matter at all in your healing.

Keep yourself busy. Gardening, puzzles, baking, whatever. Someone also mentioned a rubber band around the wrist. When your mind goes to AP, snap that sucker on your wrist. Your mind shifts to the pain of the band and not the AP. When your mind goes to AP, picture a big stop sign. Then do something else.

For a while, it's moment by moment. You get thru 5 minutes. Then get thru 5 minutes more. Then a couple hours. Then days. Then months. Takes time.

I do have a question for you though. I read your previous posts. Your husband has no idea you've continued your A the past two years. Also read that you have no intention to tell your husband. Then on my thread you said, "His unconditional love". Are you serious? He has no clue about your continual lies and betrayal. Do you think he doesn't deserve to know what you've been up to the past 2 years? That he doesn't deserve to know you have continually put his health at risk by playing around with your boy toy?

I get the NC battle. But why the continual lying to your husband?

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 11:18 AM, August 15th (Thursday)]

DeMinxed posted 8/15/2013 16:39 PM

[This message edited by DeMinxed at 2:56 PM, August 16th (Friday)]

Aubrie posted 8/15/2013 16:52 PM

I'm not judging. I'm asking honest questions.

You stated that his love is unconditional. But you wont tell him about your continual lies and deceit. Well if his love is so unconditional, confessing shouldn't be a big deal. Right? He loves you unconditionally because you're lying and he has no idea. That's an unfair disadvantage. Don't you think?

You say that confessing would be to "relieve your guilt". That's not what confessing is about. I could have lived the rest of my life and not told my husband about my last A. He never would have known. He could have lived in ignorant bliss. But I confessed. Because I had promised to him 10 years ago to love, honor, cherish, and cling only to HIM. I broke that vow. And he had a right to know about the third party in our marriage. He had a right to know so he could decide how to maneuver the rest of his life.

You have zero integrity, your word means nothing, you are a liar, till you tell the truth. You cannot live a truly authentic, honest life, till you come clean. That's all I'm saying.

If you can live a lie, lucky you. But you should beware that this could come back and bite you in the butt hard, at any moment. You will live life, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Are you really prepared for that?

Good luck.

DeMinxed posted 8/15/2013 17:01 PM


Aubrie posted 8/15/2013 17:08 PM

Are you just interested in staying NC or are you going to figure out why you cheated?

Have you read the Dry Adultery thread? Might wanna check that one out.

DeMinxed posted 8/15/2013 17:10 PM

PS You say, "I'm not judging" and then in the same breath you say "You have zero integrity, your word means nothing, you are a liar, till you tell the truth."

^^^sounds judg-y to me

Aubrie posted 8/15/2013 17:17 PM

Its a fact. A person who hides crap is a liar with no integrity. A person who makes decisions for their spouse does not have their spouses best interests at heart.

You're gonna do what you're gonna do. I'm not judging. Just stating fact from personal experience.

Good luck.

DeMinxed posted 8/15/2013 18:38 PM

It's a fact that you don't know me well enough to make a statement like that. You have no right to say someone lacks integrity. Just because we are choosing to take different actions and handle our unique situations differently does not mean one way is right or wrong. Therefore you stating that I have no integrity is your opinion.

Good luck to you too.

JustDesserts posted 8/15/2013 18:45 PM

Not to take any sides, but I sit a bit concerned for you, DeMinxed. Sometimes a message that gets us defensive, is exactly the message we need to hear.

Your still burning flame for your AP, NC or not, is coming through your words, IMHO, loud and clear.

You have no right, IMHO, to choose for your BS whether or not to put him through any more devastation. Especially when that choice is essentially a way for you to protect yourself (and, yes, your AP) from revealing additional lies and deceit.

Sorry, that's my IMHO take.


Aubrie posted 8/15/2013 19:01 PM

Your affair is not unique. It's not special. You think it is. Because you've both been blowing rainbows up each others butts. It's all fantasy. You only share the best parts of you with your AP and he you. It feels like it's special. It feels like love. It feels like magic. But all it is, is two broken people, sneaking around, lying, manipulating, stealing moments from their children and spouses, in an attempt to feed the black hole in their soul. Not so romantic as we like to think. I used to think my AP was something special. His life was miserable and I was the beacon of light in his dark night. Dear. Lord.

You had an affair that, once busted the first time, took it underground another 2 year yes? Can't tell you how many times I've seen BSs post in JFO and General "Well, the A never stopped." Tell me again how that fits in the "integrity" category?

If you don't want to confess that's your choice.

So what are you going to do to ensure that you're not going to cheat again? Are you going to look internally at your broken bits? Or are you going to white knuckle this?

I'm not picking on you. I'm not judging you. I'm asking you honest, grown up, real life questions. Why are you defensive?

authenticnow posted 8/15/2013 19:26 PM

Hi Deminxed,

But the truth is I did not join this forum to be judged or criticized about my decisions. I joined it so I could have someone to relate to and I joined it for confirmation that I'm not the only one in the whole world going thought this right now.
The thing about SI is that as long as it's within the guidelines, the members don't filter. Things don't get sugarcoated. You will get support, but I can guarantee that you will not always hear what you want to hear. It's because we've BTDT, we've walked the path.

I had a secret from 13 years before my d-day. It came out after d-day. It sucked. I wish I would have told my BH years ago, and I certainly wish I would have told him the whole truth on d-day instead of torturing him with trickle truth.

Sometimes a message that gets us defensive, is exactly the message we need to hear.
JD said it right. Ponder that truth for awhile.

This all takes time. Take the time you need to process, but it will help you to drop the defenses. Being defensive will shut you out from all kinds of good advice.

Good job on the NC. But truly, you need to dig deep and get some real tools going for the long haul.


[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:27 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]

DeMinxed posted 8/15/2013 19:32 PM

[This message edited by DeMinxed at 2:56 PM, August 16th (Friday)]

Aubrie posted 8/15/2013 19:33 PM

What do we not understand DeMinxed? Explain please?

authenticnow posted 8/15/2013 19:43 PM

Do you honestly think nobody understands? I think it's that we understand very well, and that's why we are here.

I am grateful for the people who early on told me what I needed to hear. There was a BS who came down so hard on me every day and I hated it (thanks, Bethany). I almost left, but I stayed and after awhile I realized that it was what I needed to hear all along.

Go or stay, it's your choice, but like I said up above, dropping the defenses will only help you.

We understand and we are here for you if you're ready to do this.

jo2love posted 8/15/2013 20:08 PM


You have a pm.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:08 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]

sunnyrain posted 8/15/2013 23:12 PM

I think it's perfectly okay for you to decide whether or not you want to confess to your H.

I can offer you support if you decide to return to SI. Feel free to PM me if you'd rather talk privately.

Continued best of luck with NC. Congrats on making it through the first week.

Stay positive. You can do this!

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