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Newest Member: EllaE21 (60723)

User Topic: Does the OW always lie?
♀ 38597
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know, I know, yet another thread on contacting the OW...

It's been 5 months and I have never contacted her. I still think about it though. I wouldn't even be interested in telling her off (well, of course I'd be interested, but I wouldn't). I just want to ask her if she slept with H or not. I know that I either trust H or not, but that part of me that needs to know for sure just can't seem to go away for good.
Of course I worry that she'll get some weird ego boost if I contact her and it has stopped me for this long.
He's terrified of me contacting her. He says it's because she can be a nasty piece of work. But what if it's because she has information I need?

DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"It is an act of self-respect and preservation to not forgive."

Posts: 967 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ 38020
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some lie, some don't.

The trouble with people who you can't trust is that you never really know.

Don't contact her. You can't trust what she says anyway, even if she is telling the truth. Plus, your H's behavior is telling me that he is NOT being honest.

I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."

Posts: 879 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ 39588
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think so, especially if they were completely knowledgable they were messing with a married man. I view the OW's in my case as selfish asshats who only cared about themselves. Why else would they potentially destroy a family? I know the second OW wanted my H all to herself and I could never believe a word of what she says.

Me (BS): 36
Him aka narcissistic psychopath (WS): 36
Married 17 years 6 kids ages 16-7
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

Filed for divorce 5/8/15

Posts: 326 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 10347
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course they do not ALWAYS lie. Some of them are remorseful. Some of them may be on this site and be done with their lies.

But the one you are likely referring to is probably not one on this site, even so, I am not one to paint them all with one brush and assume that all will lie when asked details about a past A.

So, if you decide to contact her, and she agrees to meet with you, I would try to go with some known facts that she would not know that you know. I would start the conversation there and that way, based on whether her answers are consistent with what you already know to be true, you can make a better guess as to whether what she will tell you is likely to be true.

In my own case, I talked to the Whore enough to realize that everything out of her mouth was a lie and I would never get information from her. But I talked to one of the OW from my first M, and I believed what she told me and believe she made some attempt to be honest with me.

But even with the lying whore that I had to deal with, I'm glad I got to see first hand that she is a lying whore rather than just "assuming" it because I don't want to believe there is anything good about her.

Posts: 6768 | Registered: Apr 2006
♀ 18429
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eliminate the problem and have WH take a poly. Parking lot confessions are not uncommon at all, and they are often just the tip of the iceberg as to what would be discovered during a poly anyway. If he refuses and makes a big deal about it, then you have your answer. If he doesn't go through with it for any reason, then you have your answer.

DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - WS
Us - working on R - again
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
D-day 2 July 4, 2015, turns out he is a SAWH, status, working harder than ever before, trying to fix something we thought we already had. It's

Posts: 4467 | Registered: Feb 2008
♀ 38597
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess "always" wasn't the right word. All people are capable of telling the truth if they want to! I do believe in some cases that OW's are extremely naive or hurt people (like when you hear betrayed people becoming the other person). I just don't think it's the case in my situation. On her facebook page, she has a rant telling off an old boyfriend for not telling her he had a girlfriend.

I don't know how we'd afford a polygraph. We've been through a rough time and even now, we sometimes have to scramble to get grocery money together for the week. I guess when I get a job we can start saving. Of course H is worried about how accurate a poly would really be. Again:

He still insists there was no sex, and I've been resisting getting tested for std's. But today I bit the bullet and made an appointment. I guess it's causing me some stress today. I haven't felt this anxious for a while now.

DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"It is an act of self-respect and preservation to not forgive."

Posts: 967 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ 10347
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't believe in polygraph results. From what I have read, at best they are 93% accurate. And the only reason they are that accurate is because of the "parking lot confessions" and other acts related to the fact the person taking the test may believe the test will know. so therefore they are more likely to tell the truth.

So I can't deny they work for the positive for many who believe they work.

I personally, trust the method of guaging how honest someone will be when you engage them in a conversation where you know some facts that they don't know you know. Of course that method is not going to be perfect either, but it is a lot cheaper than a lie detector test.

Posts: 6768 | Registered: Apr 2006
♀ 16394
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Red flag, when he is already questioning results of a poly. He isn't tell you the whole can take that to the bank. I would watch him carefully to see if A has actually ended. Keep investigating, believe what evidence you find and only half belief what is coming out of his mouth.

BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time." Bionical girl

Posts: 3163 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
♀ 38121
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ahh, so your husband is claiming it was only an 'emotional' affair and your gut is telling you he's lying?

The OW's loyalty (as ridiculous as it sounds) lies with her xMM, not with you. Most can't be counted on to tell you the current wheather, much less an intimate truth. Lastly, the chances are very high she'll either ignore you, contact HIM and whine that you're "harrassing" her, tell you whatever lie he told her to tell you should you come looking for answers, or give you that standard crap answer, "ask your husband" because they don't have the intestinal fortitude to own their own shit.

So she's a dead end.

HOWEVER, since hubby seems to be witholding some truths from you, I highly advice you schedule him for a polygraph test. Yeah, he'll tell you they're a bunch of bunk and can't be used in court and all that nonsense, but when it's HIS butt wired up to it, he'll sweat like they all do.

Seriously, consider a poly. Google "polygraph testers + your town" and call some of the testers returned in your search. Testing is usually around $500.

Lastly, don't be surprised the morning of the test or as you're leaving to get a sudden 'confession' from him. When they know the jig is up, they start singing like a canary.

Good luck to you.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 6327 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
♀ 35593
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They both lie. WS lies to you and AP, AP lies to them as well as you. The circuit is complete. Why should the AP change after DDay. Hopefully the WS will work at not lying to get their BS back, but he AP has nothing to gain at being truthful to you.

In the only 10 minute face to face with OW I had, she lied to me about things I had already checked on and discovered. Some were tiny little things that did not matter. If she lied about little things I knew she would lie about the biggies. What a piece of work. Have I mentioned she is a seminary grad with ministry background?

Me 50's
WH 50's
Married 30+ years
2 young adult children
OW single 20 years younger
Together trying to R

Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose

Posts: 3387 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
♀ 32847
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my case, both of the ones I confronted lied. I shouldn't have been surprised, but somehow I was. Somehow, I thought that when these women, these "sisters" heard my pain, they'd be sympathetic, remorseful? I don't know. But I couldn't have been more wrong. It only opened me up to more pain.

Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
♀ 40264
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H's OW told me "I thought you were just his kids mom...I didn't know you were in relationship." Which is believable because married people will lie and say they're happens..then he shows me texts where he clearly stated that he was married but things were rocky. SO if she lied to me about that, what else would she lie about? I didn't give her the opportunity.

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 1:06 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]

Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 15 years
3 awesome and beautiful children
OC discovered on Dday - born in 2005
D-Day Summer 2013

working towards D...I can't pretend anymore

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**

Posts: 509 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
♀ 34755
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. He really doesn't want you to contact her.
2. He's afraid of a polygraph.

My bet? He's lying. He has not given you full disclosure.

How is he actively working his SA program?

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
♀ 38597
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He seems to be doing all of the right things. I've detached pretty well, though of course I'm still very much on my guard.
I don't know how much I should separate his issues. The EA was off and on for 5 years. He also admitted to setting up a meeting with a prostitute, which he still claims he cancelled before going. He also has webcam, chatting and porn addiction. He goes to all of his meetings, has started working on his steps and talks to other SA's in his group daily. He says he's really really telling me everything.

I'm just so tired of all this.

And I'm sorry to everyone who's had a bad experience when confronting the OW. Salt, meet wound... :(

DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"It is an act of self-respect and preservation to not forgive."

Posts: 967 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ 8271
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think they always lie. I believe, however, that they know exactly where to put emphasis or exaggerate to make things particularly painful for the spouse who is already in a great deal of pain.

You can't treat them as friends because a friend has your best interest at heart. You don't know what his/her interest is other than to further his/her own interests.

Understand that when you talk to the OP, you are giving them legitimacy and importance. If they were the nothing you are trying to tell them they are, you wouldn't feel the need to talk to them.

I want the whole truth about everything that happened between my husband and the OW but getting it from the OW is the last thing I will ever try to do. The short time she was with my husband is a drop in the bucket over my 27 years and children with him. If anything, she should want to know what he's been doing with me all these years. :)

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson

Posts: 5937 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Southeast
♀ 39070
Member # 39070
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LIE...... They lie to themselves, to their family, friends and husbands, their AP, and everyone in their world!!! They are pathetic skanky losers!! JMO!!!


Posts: 84 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: MA
♀ 8291
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hell, they lived a lie being in the a. Why on earth would you think the ow would tell you the truth.

However, I do believe there are a very few who would tell the truth due to guilt and remorse. With that said I would still have trouble believing an op either way.

Posts: 2648 | Registered: Sep 2005
♀ 32430
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never really encourage someone to contact the OW, but I dont know, in your case maybe it would help.

But, I would almost trick her in a way of telling you the truth so she doesnt try to lie in her answers.

If you call and tell her "I think my H is lying that you didnt have sex" if she really is a piece of work that he claims she may say they did even if they didnt.

But, if you call and say something like "I have scheduled my STD testing even though my H claims you guys always used protection, do I have anything to be worried about?"

There is a good chance you will get "oh, trust me I am clean" or "Yeah we used protection (or didn't), or "We never had sex, thats stupid he said that"

It truly sounds like you are not getting the truth from him.

BS(me) 34
fWH 38 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2018 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadone...say you do ask her and she says still don't know if its the truth. If she says no, same thing. You won't.know anymore for sure than you do now. It will just give you more b.s. to process.
I wanted to do the same thing. Just ask, but my sister talked me out of it and I'm so glad she did.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5738 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
♀ 38597
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. I'm back to 'I'm never going to talk to her' mode. It feels much more peaceful than worrying about what she's going to say.

DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"It is an act of self-respect and preservation to not forgive."

Posts: 967 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 21
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