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2married2quit posted 8/15/2013 11:57 AM

Just this past weekend my FWW had a new revelation for me. It hurt lots but it's part of the infidelity sandwich I had to take a year ago so it doesn't really add much more to the shit. However, I find myself rejecting her more.

At night, when we used to cuddle, after the A, I needed that SO bad! After this weekend, I basically do NOT want to feel her skin all night long. Not even an elbow!

What's happening to me?

[This message edited by 2married2quit at 11:58 AM, August 15th (Thursday)]

huRtZ413 posted 8/15/2013 12:29 PM

idk ...hmmm that makes me a little uneasy though cause i think thats the only thing keeping me here is i still need him and his touch if i didnt i guess i wouldnt want to stay....but i would think maybe its something you guys should talk about maybe its just other bump in the road and need to find some way to reconnect on another level. jmo

damaged71 posted 8/15/2013 12:47 PM


Your timeline is very similar to mine. You are about a month behind me. I can tell you one month ago I felt EXACTLY the same way you did. I couldn't even look at my wife. Even though she has been great. Something kind of hit me and indifference set in.

I seem to be getting past it and things are getting "lighter" again. My FWW felt the indifference and is now terrified I am going to leave. She is actually going through the same emotions that I had after D-day.

Funny enough she actually had the nerve to tell me "you don't know how this feels". I said "sure I do, but there is a difference. You are being comforted by me, when I was going through it I was being betrayed by you."

It'll pass, if not you can divorce with no problem.

2married2quit posted 8/15/2013 12:52 PM

damaged71 - Thank you. I needed to hear that. Glad you've got a glimpse of what I'll go through next month.

I have been going through so much anxiety since DDAY that it has made me too vulnerable so this sudden feeling I'm getting now makes me feel more in control. It's just strange.

If she does feel like she's loosing control and anxious soon, I'd welcome it. Not as a revenge, but the fact that I could too, walk away.

damaged71 posted 8/15/2013 13:10 PM


When you get here the stress is gone out of everything. The reason is no matter what, you are going to be ok.

My FWW asked if I would be mad if she did X. I said you can do whatever you want, I don't care, I'm not checking up on you. I told her if she wanted to be married to me she knows what the conditions are. If she doesn't want to me married to me, that's ok too. I'm going to be fine either way. I have expressed this to her and she knows it. This has her freaking out quite a bit. I told her, "you created the world we live in, not me".

I am under no illusions that loyalty plays a part here. We are useful as long as we are convenient. At least that's her perspective and I am under no illusions otherwise.

Personally I like the way I am now. I don't want to be that other guy again. I hate that it took this to get me here but here I am and I like it.

This experienced purged some inner insecurities that I carried around all my life. That stuff is GONE. I don't know what drove it off but it's gone.

Take a look at who you are and I'll bet you are a great deal like you were when you first met your wife. I know I am back to the person that I was before I got married. I was confident and had no illusions on how the world worked.

That's the guy that's typing these words....

2married2quit posted 8/15/2013 15:21 PM

Thing is that I am that guy that attaches and feels secure that way. Of course after 22 freak'n years, you do become co-dependent no matter what. So my anxiety on top of that kicked in. I live in fear of abandonment and a second DDAY. That's what's kept me glued. She on the other hand is more dismissive.

However, if this same feeling I'm feeling now continues, I will be in a better place. Let's see how long it continues.

damaged71 posted 8/15/2013 16:27 PM

My wife took a couple of out of town trips. I thought I would freak out when it happened. The funny thing was, just the opposite happened. I was given a respite from all of the drama. You know what, it felt damned fine.

She expected me to call her every hour and I didn't call at all. I figured if she wanted to talk to me she'd call. And...she did, often.

If you think about it, the thing that gives you the most anxiety (her leaving you) is only a threat as long as she is there. What I am saying is if there is another D-day and you decide that you will be single if that happens (which I did) then the anxiety is gone if it happens. There is resolution. Right now you are scared of the unknown. When it becomes known it's power is gone.

My unknown was that my wife would leave me and I would be by myself. I found out when she was gone for a week I was fine.

So... I know if she leaves I'll be ok. I feel that you will be the same way. You are scared of what you don't know. You will probably find that when you are alone that it's like laying down a burden. You get to leave the drama behind.

You are dragging around an anchor. "You" choose to do it because of the abiding love that you still have for your wife. That being said, nothing changes the fact that it feels good not to drag the anchor around.

This is how I describe what happened to me, to my wife. I said "imagine a pond. You threw a rock into the pond. Once the rock hit the water (D-day) your action was complete and your ability to change the outcome had passed. I am the pond your action will ripple through me for years. I don't know when the ripples will stop or what I will be like when they do. Always remember, you threw the rock".

Sorry to drag on and be a bit abstract but it's how I've thought about it.

Best of luck to you.

2married2quit posted 8/15/2013 16:46 PM

damaged71 - Thank you. This helps me. I think DDAY obviously gives anxiety to anyone. However, she didn't come home saying "honey I'm sorry, I love you and let's make it work". It was more like "I don't love you anymore and I'm not sure I want to be married". Yes, she was in the fog, but the process has been slow. She DOES want to work it out now.

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