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Notifying xwh about ds's check ups?

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chikastuff posted 8/15/2013 12:33 PM

My son will be 3 in early September and will have a well baby soon after. This is the first check up he's had since we separated and divorced. My ex and I share legal custody, but I'm the primary custodial parent.

Do I have to tell him about the upcoming appointment? I aim for no contact outside of texts around pick up and drop off. He and his gf have a really hard time respecting boundaries. I feel like since we're not making any serious medical decisions and it's a routine thing, that I shouldn't have to. He would say that as shared legal guardian I <b>have</b> to tell him when my kid so much as skins his knee.


Dreamboat posted 8/15/2013 12:56 PM

Assuming that you always made the appointments and took care of this in the past, I would make the appointment that is convenient for you and then inform of it a week or 2 ahead of time. If (when) he screams about it and demand that you change the appointment, simply say no. Do not get into any discussion with him, just say no once and ignore any additional ranting that he does.

caregiver9000 posted 8/15/2013 12:59 PM

I have older children, but I think you start as you mean to continue. Well checks, routine dental work, even appointments for colds or sickness, I notify AFTER the fact with the needed facts. IE, saw the ped. DS has sinus infection, will be on antibiotic for 10 days.

I have notified on my way to the ER for the emergency visits that could be something serious.

Think of it the same way you will school work. Every homework assignment doesn't get two parent attention, but long term projects, or meetings relating to long term issues or emergencies, you include both parents.

If something were to come up at the well baby check, say "speech delay" or something involved, then ask the doctor to schedule a time to meet with both of you to go over what she found. But just a height, weight, routine booster shots? Did he go to every well baby check up when you were together?

chikastuff posted 8/15/2013 13:03 PM

No he hardly went to anything when we were married. He went to last year's WB because he was trying to look super involved to the court. He's big on wanting to look like the "perfect father".

Nature_Girl posted 8/15/2013 13:10 PM

I've been told by my attorney that well-baby/child appointments are considered routine and not necessary for both parents to be present. Let's face it, in normal married life both parents don't attend well baby/child appointments but once in a blue moon, if ever. I've been told that routine health issues, colds, cuts, bruises don't need to be relayed to STBX. Only if something is not normal does he need to be notified.

Since I have been awarded sole legal & physical custody, I do not need his presence at regular pedi appointments. Furthermore, we are unable to be in the same room. We are not able to communicate about the kids, nor is he able to refrain from yelling at me when we're together. It's really bad.

But really, my kids tell him anything, anyway.

Nature_Girl posted 8/15/2013 13:11 PM

ETA: He never went to well baby/child appointments in the past. Not one. The last time he went to the pedi was when the baby was 2 weeks old. So me not telling him about the appointments now is simply how we've always lived our lives.

caregiver9000 posted 8/15/2013 13:16 PM

You aren't going to get his opinion on the backpack when he starts school? Crayola vs. Rose Art pencils?

I think the standard language in the parenting agreement in my state is that the parent who has custody at the time is trusted to make the routine parenting decisions necessary during that time.

If he has specifically asked to be included, then I guess you should notify him. I would have a conversation about it too. Maybe if this is so important to him, let him schedule the appointments and miss work to take DS to the well baby checks? You can always follow up with the doctor's office for a summary of the findings. Then he can entertain the toddler in the waiting room.

Sick child visits usually occur on the day of and there is no "notify ahead of time" as it is take the appointment you can get and get the prescription filled so the child begins to feel better.

devistatedmom posted 8/15/2013 13:28 PM

I always think what I would want if it were the other way around. I would want to be notified that DS has an appt on X day for his well baby check. So I would inform him before hand. Just state the fact. No asking him if he's coming, or anything else.

My thought is, something happens while DS is with him, he takes him to ER, and he doesn't inform you of it because you didn't tell him of this. I know, to US, it's two different things, since the ER is an emergency, but it isn't to him. He will just say well you didn't tell me about that, so I'm not telling you about this.

I would just state the fact of the appointment. Afterwards, I would just say, growing fine, 40lbs, 2 feet tall, no problems. If he wants more info, he can figure it out.

suckstobeme posted 8/15/2013 13:30 PM

I don't. We have joint custody but, at least in my state, that means that he gets to be consulted on major decisions regarding my kids' health and education. Taking them for a check up or annual physical is not in any way related to a major health care decision.

Like others, I have told him if we are in the ER or of issues like an orthodonture plan for one of them. But, a well visit, no way.

I think of it like this - if there is something going on with the kids that I would want to know if it happened while they were with him, I tell him. For instance, I would go apeshit if he ever kept an ER visit from me or told me after the fact, so I feel like those are certainly important enough to tell him. Scraped knees and sniffles? Sometimes we communicate about more minor stuff depending on the issue, but it's not like the text or email has to be send immediately.

If your ex pitches a fit, tell him that he can make the appointment and take off work to take DS next time.

My stupid exWH tried to take on the twice a year dentist appointments. He never made them on time and ended up having to pay the cancellation fees and look like an asshole to the dentist and the office staff. So, I got a call one day from the office saying, "douchebag said we should probably go through you from now on for appointments.". Oh really? No shit.

Fooled Me Twice posted 8/15/2013 20:35 PM

In my agreement it says I have to tell the wankstain beforehand. Though he didn't come to a good majority of well checks when we were together.

As he can't seem to follow anything with our decree or court order, I might find myself "unable" to comply at my dd's 3 year well check...we'll see how generous I'm feeling closer to the time. And let's face it - any major decisions will and would have always been made by me anyways.

tryingagain74 posted 8/15/2013 20:41 PM

I only tell him if there's something significant-- like one of our kids has to start a new medication or needs a follow-up with a specialist to check something out (like with a heart murmur). I don't bother with any of the other details. He never cared or asked while we were married, and I was always fully responsible for those appointments, so unless he starts directly asking me for information about an appointment, I'm not going to make an effort to let him know.

ruinedandbroken posted 8/15/2013 20:43 PM

I don't tell mine about routine things like that. And so far, knock on wood, there hasn't been anything to come up that has been an emergency.

peacelovetea posted 8/15/2013 20:59 PM

I put them on the shared calendar, so he can see they are scheduled. He wouldn't show up though, most likely, but I wouldn't mind if he did -- he has as much right to be there as I do. I always give him a heads' up after as to what was said too.

Catwoman posted 8/16/2013 04:26 AM

I don't think it is necessary--I would report after the fact: DS had his 3-year-checkup today. All routine with vaccines for x, y, and z.

My rule of thumb was to notify if they were ill enough to stay out of school or warrant a visit to the MD for illness/injury: DS is home with me today and will be seeing the MD later. It looks like an ear infection--will let you know.

That's all.


Bluebird26 posted 8/16/2013 06:19 AM

Yes I think you should notify him. The decision is then up to him if he attends or not.

I have always done all the appointments, school stuff etc. The xwh never turns up to anything. But I always notify him.

One stage he was whining about how the appointments are always not at the right times for him to attend. I made the suggestion that he makes the appointments and notifies me then and I will attend. He chose to ignore this. His choice.

chikastuff posted 8/16/2013 08:47 AM

Catwoman, did I read that you're an atty? Just wondering because my D agreement is out of MA.

My gut reaction is to tell him after the fact and when he bitches to use the agreement to back me up. The issue is he has no concept of what my rights are as the primary custodial parent and what it means to share legal custody. As state before, he thinks sharing legal custody means he has a say in the minutiae of our life. It's a control and perception thing for him, he wants to be perceived as a super involved, great dad and that's simply not the case. And when he's invited to something and he can't make it, he sends his FI, who I can't stand.

I just want to make sure I'm not shooting myself in the foot.

hoya96 posted 8/16/2013 16:49 PM

My ex asked to be notified of all appointments (because my 2 sons see a psych for ADHD meds management and my kids have been in regular therapy since divorce, it's quite a lot), and I have always complied. He still asked it to be put in the decree in the modification suit he brought against me, which seemed insulting considering I always tell him anyway, but now that it's officially part of our decree, I will certainly continue to do so.

It's hard because as the primary parent, I'm always the one scheduling and doing the appointments (so it's always a one way street of me informing him) but it is what it is.

Catwoman posted 8/16/2013 17:23 PM

I am not an attorney.

However, shared legal custody is supposed to cover things like what schools, what church, what doctor, should we get braces . . . those sorts of decisions. Well child checkups, unless there is some serious per-existing condition or some concern, are routine and can be handled by either parent. If there is a decision to be made regarding treatment, his opinion should be solicited. Likewise, if the child is ill, he should be informed. But this is routine stuff. Letting him know the outcome after the fact would not be a violation in my opinion. But if you are concerned, ask your attorney.


[This message edited by Catwoman at 5:24 PM, August 16th (Friday)]

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