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Sitting on the kitchen floor with a broken plate

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TXwifemom posted 8/15/2013 12:41 PM

Wondering how I'm going to glue this back together to make it okay. It's never going to be ok. *I'm* going to be okay, but not the kids if I divorce or the marriage if I stay. but I have to admit that I have fantasies of leaving. I feel like maybe it's not too late to find someone that actually loves me.

He says he does, but I think that's like a priest saying he knows what Heaven is like. Just not capable of the feeling maybe? He's doing everything right I think.

It can't be a deal breaker because of the kids. I have to figure out a way to put this hot mess back together and smile and get on with my life. I miss what I thought I had. But then I realize that I never had it anyway. It was all fake or just a misunderstanding on my part.

It sucks finding out I loved him more than he loved me. But it sucks even harder realizing that the plate is shattered into a million pieces and I can't make It like before. Because there never was a plate after all. Just the illusion of one.... And now I realized the only way to keep this family together is to eat off this plate and swallow glass shards and actually believe that it's just extra crunch. Not glass.

When does this go away? I'm 11 months out. He's doing everything right. He asks what he can do to help me. But I'm sitting with this broken plate. Nothing to do because there never was a plate. Can't fix something that was not there to break right?

So I sit with it in my lap and have no response when he asks. Because there's just no way to make it whole again. I can sit and talk about it being broken but that's not getting me anywhere. And there never was a plate I guess.

doesntalwaysknow posted 8/15/2013 13:02 PM

Sometimes, when a plate breaks, you can put this special kind of clay cement and try to fit it back together. It's very fragile, and needs to be re-fired. It needs the intense heat to bind the 2 pieces back together. But you get to keep the plate. It will have an ugly scar, but you can still see the beauty. And if you take your time and be patient, that scar might be very small.

Other times, when you put it in the kiln, it just doesn't sit right and breaks apart again. And you can keep trying to put it back together. But that scar just gets bigger each time. And it loses its beauty.

And at times, it's best to know that you can just scrap the plate and start over. It all just depends on how important that plate is to you. There will always be more clay to work with.

AFrayedKnot posted 8/15/2013 13:15 PM

I totally know how you feel. Trying to something back together that was never really there to begin with.

The good memories from the past have become a bigger trigger for me than the bad memories. Because the good wasn't real, it was just hidden. The bad were at least real.

I had to mourn the death of that relationship. Realizing it wasn't all I made it out to be in reality made it a lot easier. Whether we stay or we go, we have to mourn that relationship. Its gone, thank god.

R started a new relationship. A different relationship. Not based on the old fairy tail. But based on a new reality, new rules, new honesty. A New Path.

SilverFlame posted 8/15/2013 13:16 PM

Txwifemom, the one thing you need to remember is that you can not fix the plate on your own. You need your H to help you.
You both need to be committed to fixing things.
You need to think really hard about what it is you want and need. You can not eat shards of glass, it will kill you.
There are other options for you and your children.
If I may ask, are you in IC and MC? Is your H trying to help you?
Sometimes you can fix the plate if its worth it. Sometimes you need a broom and a trash can. Your choice when you clearly understand your options. I hate to say it, but your kids can not be the reason you stay- if the relationship is toxic, it may not be the best environment for them. Do what is best for you and the kids. Dont stay shattered because of the kids - you aren't doing them any favours.

doesitgetbetter posted 8/15/2013 13:21 PM

Our children are not a life sentence. I am a mother, I know how much we want to protect them. But we can never protect them from everything, and we can't even predict the harm that will come from the decisions we make TO protect them. I'm a child of divorce, and I turned out fine. I know people who are children of lifelong marred parents, and they are royally messed up (my H's entire family for one example).

As a parent, we have to weigh the lifelong impact on our children. IMO, a divorce will hurt for a while, but the damage that can be done by seeing a dysfunctional marriage can be life altering. Take my H and myself for examples. Again, I'm a child of divorce. I have learned in my life how to deal with adversity due to all the hardships I had as a child. I also learned how to be a better parent by watching how my mother wasn't there for me (she is a horrible person, independent of D'ing my dad). My H, his parents have been married since before he was born. They were both cheated on in prior marriages, and both feel the best way to deal with things is rugsweeping. They have a gaggle of kids, and out of all of those children 75% have cheated on their spouse, and the other 25% have divorced multiple times because they have no idea how to handle emotions and deal with reality.

I think the kids who were in a fake "household" where the mom and dad were married but not in love and a team suffered far greater than I did. Which is why I would never have stayed with my H if I didn't know he was in it 100% and willing to do the work to make the changes within himself to become a real partner to me and help me work through his infidelity. I want to show my children what a real marriage should be like because I want them to have a real, happy, and productive marriage as well. If my H couldn't help me live that example, then I would need to find someone else who would.

TXwifemom posted 8/15/2013 16:38 PM

Yes that's the part that's difficult, not living a fake life. I wan to reconcile and he is doing everything right, it is just hard to know where to start to pick up the pieces and find out who he really is. I know it needs to be genuine, otherwise I'm gas lighting!

It's finding life without justice, letting to of anger and pain, and opening myself to another hurt. It's hard. Like shoving my hand into a fire willingly.....

MystiKay posted 8/15/2013 16:45 PM

Don't know if you heard of this. But it might make your plate better. I hope you can feel better and get through this. I am over two years out on DD1 and And a year out last Wed. On DD2.

Reality posted 8/15/2013 16:53 PM

Good post, TX. You described the feeling exactly right.

I know WH doesn't feel about me the way I feel about him. I know my priorities, the promises I made/make have different meanings and definitions than those words mean to him. I know that at the end of the day, we are different in vast, possibly insurmountable ways. That's impossible to push aside.

But that's not the whole picture. There are other people involved. There's goals and plans that can still come to fruition.

It's why R takes so long; basically running a long reaching cost/benefit analysis.

You being ambivalent and thinking of other people isn't weakness. It's kindness. Just be equally kind to yourself. Hugs.

[This message edited by Reality at 5:01 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]

TXwifemom posted 8/15/2013 18:20 PM


That's beautiful. Thank you. That really helped......

It does tell a story, maybe one of my strength.....

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