He says he does, but I think that's like a priest saying he knows what Heaven is like. Just not capable of the feeling maybe? He's doing everything right I think.
It can't be a deal breaker because of the kids. I have to figure out a way to put this hot mess back together and smile and get on with my life. I miss what I thought I had. But then I realize that I never had it anyway. It was all fake or just a misunderstanding on my part.
It sucks finding out I loved him more than he loved me. But it sucks even harder realizing that the plate is shattered into a million pieces and I can't make It like before. Because there never was a plate after all. Just the illusion of one.... And now I realized the only way to keep this family together is to eat off this plate and swallow glass shards and actually believe that it's just extra crunch. Not glass.
When does this go away? I'm 11 months out. He's doing everything right. He asks what he can do to help me. But I'm sitting with this broken plate. Nothing to do because there never was a plate. Can't fix something that was not there to break right?
So I sit with it in my lap and have no response when he asks. Because there's just no way to make it whole again. I can sit and talk about it being broken but that's not getting me anywhere. And there never was a plate I guess.
Other times, when you put it in the kiln, it just doesn't sit right and breaks apart again. And you can keep trying to put it back together. But that scar just gets bigger each time. And it loses its beauty.
And at times, it's best to know that you can just scrap the plate and start over. It all just depends on how important that plate is to you. There will always be more clay to work with.
The good memories from the past have become a bigger trigger for me than the bad memories. Because the good wasn't real, it was just hidden. The bad were at least real.
I had to mourn the death of that relationship. Realizing it wasn't all I made it out to be in reality made it a lot easier. Whether we stay or we go, we have to mourn that relationship. Its gone, thank god.
R started a new relationship. A different relationship. Not based on the old fairy tail. But based on a new reality, new rules, new honesty. A New Path.
Him: inappropriate emails with ex girlfriend. She was OW during his last marriage. OW- skank with no morals or ethics (personal or professional)
D-Day mid July 2013
As a parent, we have to weigh the lifelong impact on our children. IMO, a divorce will hurt for a while, but the damage that can be done by seeing a dysfunctional marriage can be life altering. Take my H and myself for examples. Again, I'm a child of divorce. I have learned in my life how to deal with adversity due to all the hardships I had as a child. I also learned how to be a better parent by watching how my mother wasn't there for me (she is a horrible person, independent of D'ing my dad). My H, his parents have been married since before he was born. They were both cheated on in prior marriages, and both feel the best way to deal with things is rugsweeping. They have a gaggle of kids, and out of all of those children 75% have cheated on their spouse, and the other 25% have divorced multiple times because they have no idea how to handle emotions and deal with reality.
I think the kids who were in a fake "household" where the mom and dad were married but not in love and a team suffered far greater than I did. Which is why I would never have stayed with my H if I didn't know he was in it 100% and willing to do the work to make the changes within himself to become a real partner to me and help me work through his infidelity. I want to show my children what a real marriage should be like because I want them to have a real, happy, and productive marriage as well. If my H couldn't help me live that example, then I would need to find someone else who would.
It's finding life without justice, letting to of anger and pain, and opening myself to another hurt. It's hard. Like shoving my hand into a fire willingly.....
I know WH doesn't feel about me the way I feel about him. I know my priorities, the promises I made/make have different meanings and definitions than those words mean to him. I know that at the end of the day, we are different in vast, possibly insurmountable ways. That's impossible to push aside.
But that's not the whole picture. There are other people involved. There's goals and plans that can still come to fruition.
It's why R takes so long; basically running a long reaching cost/benefit analysis.
You being ambivalent and thinking of other people isn't weakness. It's kindness. Just be equally kind to yourself. Hugs.
[This message edited by Reality at 5:01 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]
That's beautiful. Thank you. That really helped......
It does tell a story, maybe one of my strength.....