Since mine just kind of took off and we have been NC, I know rationally that there is no point. Emotionally is a different story...
I am so sick of being the better person, sucking it up so the kids and I can move forward and taking the high road. I've written letters I don't send to get it off my chest. I know that the people he talks to all either work for him or want something from him so I doubt any of them would ever step up and say "What the hell are you doing to your wife and family???"
I would like to know what you said to your wayward spouse and how they responded. Did it make you feel better?
Him: inappropriate emails with ex girlfriend. She was OW during his last marriage. OW- skank with no morals or ethics (personal or professional)
D-Day mid July 2013
It ended up costing me extra time, energy, and diplomacy because I did it in the middle of working on our settlement agreement.
Felt good to get it out, but my timing was less than ideal, and it didn't change ANYTHING he was thinking or doing, and actually made my life harder. Live and learn.
"And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be."
- Sarah McMane
His reply was to defend OW and nearly leave again. Big clue, there.
Since he's long gone and we're divorcing, I haven't said much about it lately. I don't have a lot of energy and he's so pompous now, it would be ignored or he would yell.
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
Despite the mildness in my words (didn't even curse!), his response was to use what I said to pretend like I was in the wrong as much as he was. His affair would come up and he would immediately bring up my response to his affair as though my words caused his actions instead of the other way around. The fact that I had any negative reaction at all was out of line in that warped head of his.
He would also start talking in circles and bring up totally unrelated things. Basically, I would get everything off my chest and then feel like I just had a conversation with someone who was mentally handicapped. It was more frustrating than anything else.
I tried to choose my words carefully because I mistakenly thought that how I said something made any difference at all in getting through to him. If he couldn't twist my words around he would act like he couldn't grasp what I was saying. When either of those options failed he didn't acknowledge what I was saying at all.
But he knows how I feel. I don't think anything I said got the point across as much as my ignoring the hell out of him.
His lack of remorse makes him a horrible person IMO. I loathe who he has shown himself to be. I care so little for him that I don't even care about what he thinks I think of him. If he managed to delude himself into thinking anything different, I don't care.
[This message edited by Housefulloflove at 5:25 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]
He told me during False R that in the 8 weeks right after DD when we were first S he would seek me out just to interact - it didn't matter if we were fighting or a negative interaction, he just wanted contact.
He told me this so I would see it as a romantic gesture - at the time I was confused about it but I did think it was kind of cruel. I was in a terrible place emotionally and acted like a wild animal backed into a corner. Yet there he was putting his needs/wants ahead of mine or anyone else's yet again.
I don't remember everything I said. I remember calling him a piss-weak little man, a pathetic excuse for a human being. A liar, a fraudster - a giant steaming pile of shit.
I wanted to hurt him but you can't hurt a narcissist who loathes themselves. They have no feelings save for love/hate as a single emotion.
But now I feel worse than ever. It's back to crickets for me because it felt better to think he did not exist anymore. Just that guy who drops off my son.
Slowly I began to realize that he was *saying* he wanted R... but none of his comments and actions really showed me he totally *wanted* R.
So for about two days I went back and forth a bit. When he seemed to be working on R and was being open and honest with me, we had some really productive and calm convos. When he said shitty things to me, I shot off some monologues that would make Scorsese blush. I even mused out loud about suicide at one point. I seriously snapped a few times.
Within 72 hrs of DDay#1, however, I began to realize I was the one finding the MC referrals, calling, working on R, figuring out plane schedules and where we might go if we took leaves from our jobs in order to go full-time into R.
I called him and pointed out that a) he was hardly calling *me* and b) he hadn't once asked me how I was doing (all of his texts were "*I* am sad/miss you/etc etc"). He told me he thought he had a pretty good idea of how I was feeling.
That's when I started 180.
I never really had a freak out again. Controlled and calm the rest of the way until I NCed him.
I had a lot of pent-up anger towards him and lots of resentment that I always held in.
I should have left him long ago. His affair is what pulled the trigger.
The only difference it made was to convince him I was the crazy bitch he always claimed I was.
Well, that, and it kept me from imploding.
Still, I have to say, I'm not huge on the "be the bigger person" (because, well, it wouldn't matter what I did--I'm the bigger person), but it did make me feel less in control of my emotions that I would have liked.
That said, infidelity gave me one gift: the understanding that having and expressing negative emotions (something I had not ever learned to handle, as my FOO AND marriage implicitly forbade them) will not kill me.
I also learned, though, that feeling them without expressing them is often the best route to take.
[This message edited by solus sto at 3:42 PM, August 16th (Friday)]
I wish I had the ability to explain to him how much damage and hurt he has caused to me and our children - I'm just not articulate enough and he couldn't care less it seems.
Back to silence and keeping my eyes peeled for the karma bus.
He is deaf and blind by choice - not from lack of information.
I held on for a year after that waiting for him to make the changes I needed. He made many of them but, in the end, could not be transparent about the past and present. No major lies that I know of. Just not someone I was willing to risk my heart with again. Not trustworthy.
I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken
There came a point when it was too painful to love him, so I stopped.
1.it would be evidence that I am crazy and unstable as he says
2. it would feel his drama llama, keep him engaged and attention-providing even it is negative attention
3. it would "prove" that I am just "not over him" and "want him back"
If he were the last man on earth I'd become homo or asexual.
I probably did tell him, but I'm sure he blew me off. Which I'm sure only angered me more. I know deep down nothing I say has an impact and only serves as a vehicle for him to turn it all into his favorite game "How Many Ways Can We Belittle LadyQ". So, I just quit playing.
I think THAT made me feel better than any "telling off" ever would. And not because I'm the bigger person, but because I'm a BETTER person....