"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

CheaterMagnet posted 8/15/2013 14:07 PM

This is a series of texts from STBXH yesterday. I know, NC. But, like so many others I just keep hoping that I can hit that magical combination of words and the clouds with part and a ray of sunshine will fall on his upturned face and he will suddenly stop being an asshat.

Since you all are so good at this, please translate these from their native doucheweasel into English for me.

Thanks!

I would of wanted to say congratulations on being a gramma to you also if it was reversed. It isn't as you see it.

(Funny, he didn't feel the need to congratulate his first ExW (mother of his only child) when SHE became a Grandmother.)

ME: See, this is why I left. You refuse to understand or learn or respect my boundaries. That is just so fucked up that you think it's ok to be friends with the woman you cheated on me with!!!!!

OK, I am not trying to sleep with her or get with her. Just saying I was happy for her. I think it's ironic the kid that was such a pain in the butt is having a kid (this is his SS). That's all.

ME: You just don't get it. Every time the choice is her or me you choose her. Contact with her is more important than being with me.

I decided I won’t stop talking to people I know because you hate everybody in the world. Except your VBFF! You have me not talking to my family, you hate loser/freeloading/idiot, you hate anybody I know. Just like Pigfucker did to you.

ME: You keep making shit up to justify your actions. I told you that any contact with Whore and I was done. You made your choice.

God I wish not talking to whore was the answer to our problems. Everything would of been great then.

ME: The fact is that if you'd been working your program I probably could have overcome the problem with your mom. But when you aren't doing anything that I ask you to do and I know that she is a go between for the 2 of you it doesn't work.

She isn't a go between! never mind!

ME: How did you find out she is going to be a gramma?

In a conversation about how great [my DD] is!!!

ME: You were supposed to have told your mom you didn't want that kind of information.

Fuck, so you don’t care about anybody you spent 10 yrs of your life with?

ME: Not after you fucked her! In MY bed!!!!!!!!!

That was a huge mistake!

ME: But it happened. You can't undo it. I cannot for one second believe that if the situation was reversed you would be ok with it.

Like I said, I wish to God she was the only problem between us!

ME: She is the biggest. Or part of it. There is the Craigslist stuff too. Your refusal to deal with that has been slowly killing me.

And the financial stuff too. And moving to Hawaii to change our lifestyle which has stayed the same. We would have been better off in (old home that we both hated) talking about how we would change!

Please keep in mind that my world was blown apart within 2 months of moving here. Not only did I find out about his extracurricular activities, but then I had the whole crisis with my sister. We never even had a chance to have a new beginning because we were immediately thrown into trauma.

Then why do you want to stay together? We are both dragging a dead horse. That’s what I mean when I say I’m sorry I have taken your smile away. Think about it. Do I make you happy or am I just convenient?

ME: What is convenient about feeling dead? Why would you never even take 1 step to heal us? Why do I have to change but you don't?

We didn't change!

ME: I did. I died. You wanted me to change. You wanted me to make up with your mom and forgive your sister but you didn't want to do anything to make that easier for me. Or to make me feel safe with those relationships.

You took the SA quiz and said you scored really high. That is terrifying. But you didn't do anything to address that. But you wanted me to feel safe about having sex with you.

OK, it is all my fault. You have no responsibility for anything.

ME: That's not what I am saying. But I do not have responsibility for your addiction or your acting out. You seem to want to make it all MY fault and you don't have to do anything.

Never said that! [Um, yes you actually DID say that.] I am sorry

ME: Then why am I the only one who has to change? You want me to forgive your mom and have her in my home but you don't do anything to make that feel safe. And you talk shit about me to her so she hates me more.

I don't talk shit to her!! This is going in circles!

ME: So when you talked to her after I moved out you didn't say anything negative about me?

End of conversation.

Later he invites me to come to the house and use the massage chair (my neck is killing me) and offers for me to spend the night. I politely decline.

Come on SI peeps. Slap me back into reality here!

nowiknow23 posted 8/15/2013 14:17 PM

I won't translate, because I think his answers speak for themselves - you're the problem, CM. Seriously.

Here's the thing - there is NO magical combination of words. There is NO sunshine bright enough to get him out of where he is. He likes it there. He isn't going to stop doing what he's doing - he's going to keep telling you you're wrong for needing what you need, instead.

It stops when you say, honey. And not a moment sooner.

Sparkles posted 8/15/2013 14:18 PM

OMG.

Do Not Engage With This Idiot.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. He's talking in circles to do what he wants and insulting you in the process. This is hurtful and going to drive you insane. Cake-eating at its finest! F-him!

You do not need this in your life!

NC! NC! NC!

wonderingbull posted 8/15/2013 14:21 PM

Reading that is like watching a dog chase it's tail...

Trying to have a serious discussion via text never turns out well...

WB

PurpleRose posted 8/15/2013 14:23 PM

Get off this crazy train! The air is calm and it's all YOURs when you do. No more rants, no more worry about whores or hook ups! No more circle talking, back-stabbing wayward douchebag to keep twisting the knife he already embedded into your heart.

Can you hear it? Its your stop.. Go ahead and get off CM.

homewrecked2011 posted 8/15/2013 14:50 PM

This helps me realize my XWH isn't gonna change, either. This conversation is alot like the ones I used to have with him. In my case, the OW has screwed up his brain so much, he's not the person I married, never gonna see my point because he has OW PLUS FAMILY keeping his brain in a circle.

They are on a completely different train track mentally that we are...they want to be on that train going wherever it goes.

We have to decide if we want to stay on that train, with it's crazyness, and us going crazy or if we want to get off at the next station and get on a train that's going to a different/better place.

Thank you so much for posting this,,, it really helps me to see XWH is like the other brainwashed WS, until they WANT to change, this is how they are.....

CheaterMagnet posted 8/15/2013 16:15 PM

Thank you all! I knew I could count on you to tell it like it is.

HW, I am so sorry that you are going through this too, but I know what you mean when you say that seeing someone else write your story helps make it real.

I will spend the day trying not to engage. It's futile at this point.

Last night DD wanted to talk about the situation. She was trying to tell me how devastated STBXH is. I tried to gently tell her that unless and until he starts working on the why, we can't be together. I don't want her in the middle, but she was the one forcing the conversation. I kept it neutral and she agreed with me that my requirements for R are reasonable. She knows NOTHING about the CL stuff, just the A with Ex-W. If she knew everything she would lose ALL respect for him. I won't do that to her. No one should have to know this stuff.

gonnabe2016 posted 8/15/2013 19:03 PM

he will suddenly stop being an asshat.

Oh, wait ....were you serious????

CM, I've engaged in a shit-ton of conversations like this. Your stbx is playing 'hot potato' with you. Are you able to see how this is NOT a conversation? He never really addresses *what* you are saying. Not once.

Re-read it again and this time insert either "fuck you, you suck" or "nu-uh" into the space where his response is.
The end result is the same.

stillstrong posted 8/15/2013 19:22 PM

He says would of instead of would've.

I see blameshifting, and you two are going around in circles because he's driving the conversation in circles.

CheaterMagnet posted 8/15/2013 19:28 PM

He never really addresses *what* you are saying. Not once.

Wow. I just went back and re-read and you are correct! That is what makes me bang my head on my desk!!! He NEVER addresses what I say. It's divert, blame, divert, blame, divert!

Wow. Just wow.

Thanks Gonna.

Stillstrong, I know. It drives me crazy. He isn't very good at your and you're either. But that is the least of his problems.

Housefulloflove posted 8/15/2013 19:56 PM

OMG..Reading that felt like reliving some of the many circular conversations I had with Ex over the last decade but especially after Dday. My heart actually started racing with anger because it would piss me off so bad that he wouldn't actually address what was being said so nothing was ever resolved. He knows what he is doing is hurtful to you and not the actions of a good man who wants to move forward in a relationship but it seems like he thinks the real offense is that you won't believe that he is doing right by you solely because he is telling you that is how you should feel.

This is going in circles!

Of course he would accuse you of the exact thing that he is doing. Crazy-making!

Translation: "I'm a POS. Let me prove it to you covertly while proclaiming the opposite. This will either confuse you into submission or show me that you will no longer do what I want and that I need to focus my energy on a more willing victim. Also it's all your fault. If you just turned a blind eye to everything I did that hurt you it would have worked out better. I would be happy, I would get what I want and I could feel like a good man despite that being untrue. But nooooooo, you went and messed it up by having expectations, boundaries and limits. See! Your fault!"

[This message edited by Housefulloflove at 7:58 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]

gonnabe2016 posted 8/18/2013 00:14 AM

He NEVER addresses what I say. It's divert, blame, divert, blame, divert!

I 'recognized' this because it is sbtx's SOP. And FYI -- I never figured out a way to 'overcome' it. It's a situation of 'when you *see* who your WS is, you can't *unsee* it'.
And if your WS is going to play the perpetual 'victim' who will not accept responsibility/ownership and is only interested in *playing* semantic/word games with you......then you are left with absolutely nothing to 'work' with and your wisest course of action is to detach and move forward.

And.....*what housefull said*......

Chrysalis123 posted 8/18/2013 08:33 AM

I 'recognized' this because it is sbtx's SOP. And FYI -- I never figured out a way to 'overcome' it.

I recognized it as NPD-x's MO too. There is no way to stop the mind fuck,

Well, I never talk to him now because of it so it has stopped with me. But, if I did decide to talk to him it would start up again. I do not have the power to change him no matter what I say or do.

He now does this to our kids. Awhile back I posted a text exchange between him and DD16. He did the same as your guy...divert...blame mom...divert...blame mom....repeat ad nauseum

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 8:35 AM, August 18th (Sunday)]